"How could you? I did everything to not let anyone know."
Clint had thought, that look on her face a few moments ago had been bad, but this was even worse. This helplessness, the guilt. Natasha never looked like that. Sure, there were flashbacks, bad nights, but he had always admired the ways she dealt with her past. She always seemed so confident, so steady in everything. Seeing her look like that was horrible, and suddenly he thought to understand a little better, what it was like for her being with that wreck he had become.
She also seemed pretty exhausted from her crying if she couldn't even finish getting her hair done, which made him feel even more like punching the next wall for his stupidity, but this wasn't about him. He had to be there for her now.
"Let me help you please, Nat", he asked quietly, already reaching for the shampoo bottle and carefully urging her to stretch her legs so she could hang her head forward. It wasn't the best solution, but he didn't want to force his touch on her in any way now, not before they had cleared this mess up. And at least with doing this for her, he didn't have a problem. He had often enough in the past, when she had been too tired or injured.
He just had never been the reason for such a condition. For a moment, the self loathe wanted to come back, blinding him, causing his hands to tremble again, but he swallowed it down. Hadn't he just found out that didn't get him anywhere? He should rather correct his mistakes and could just hope, Natasha would give him the chance to.
"Just close your eyes for a little... and listen to me to the end please."
He reached for the shower head to get her hair wet again, gently, carefully to not pull on the tangled curls, spreading it down over her head with the other hand.
"If you want to leave then, I'll understand. I just... I need to try understand all this myself. It's not like I often think about it, you know. These are not exactly the things I tell the whitecoats to get through my evaluations."
He thought about where to start shortly while he spread a good amount of shampoo on the mess that was Natasha's hair. There wasn't much more to tell about that incident back then. Except for maybe the one thing she had just noted, that he had hurt her with- again. Today was a new record, definitely.
"I thought about telling you, at least, but I think you would have confronted these guys one way or another, and... I didn't want that. I didn't want them to be in trouble for something that I'd probably would have done myself, would it have been me in their place. Just the thought of losing someone so close... Like you for example... I'd be just as pissed with whoever was responsible. I'd have asked the same questions. Why didn't you fight harder? Why couldn't you stop him? Why did you let that guy control you?"
He stopped for a moment to take another shaky breath. They were nearing dangerous territory again, but he didn't stop. He had to be honest with her. Their relationship couldn't be based on lies. She had had enough of that in her life.
"And yes... That question keeps me awake many nights. If I could have saved all these people with my death, why didn't I? Why didn't I stop it before it started? But if I was in that situation again... I'd do just the same again. I told you, I'm not a man to give up, even if it would be better. I'm a stubborn bastard like that. And then..."
He hesitated for a second and leaned forward quickly for a kiss on Natasha's shoulder, hardly there, hardly to feel. Just an assurance how serious he was. And with the water still dripping over her skin, she hopefully wouldn't feel his tears flowing freely now.
"My mind was gone pretty quickly in these few seconds when that scepter touched me... But I remember thinking of you. I was afraid, he would come for you next. I wanted to find a way to protect you, somehow. And I... I wanted to see you again. I'm selfish like that, I guess. So I let him take me, thinking that maybe I could find a way out of this mess. But I didn't. I'm nothing the warrior you are. All these years ago, when I saw your file and later when we fought, I already knew that on the right side, you would be capable of unbelievable things. You were like one of these heroes in the books I loved so much as a kid. With a dark past, sure, but that just made you stronger because you came out on top. It made me think, maybe I could be like that too. Be better than I am. But I was always mediocre at best. I was always expendable. So I come back to the same question, if the world wouldn't be better off without me. And still couldn't do shit about it, even if the answer was yes. I never go down without a fight. And I don't..."
At this point he had to stop again because his voice became too rough, clear his throat, take a few seconds to start rinsing the foam out of her hair after he had softly worked the shampoo in, massaged her scalp the way she liked it so much for several minutes without even realizing.
"I don't want to lose you", he finally added when the shampoo was out and she would hear him again with the water not all around her head anymore. "I don't want to give up what I have with you, and I don't want to leave you. Do you have this conditioner stuff here somewhere?"
Probably he should ask more something along the lines, if she wanted him to leave now, but he couldn't bring himself to. He wasn't sure, he wanted to hear the answer.
no subject
Clint had thought, that look on her face a few moments ago had been bad, but this was even worse. This helplessness, the guilt. Natasha never looked like that. Sure, there were flashbacks, bad nights, but he had always admired the ways she dealt with her past. She always seemed so confident, so steady in everything. Seeing her look like that was horrible, and suddenly he thought to understand a little better, what it was like for her being with that wreck he had become.
She also seemed pretty exhausted from her crying if she couldn't even finish getting her hair done, which made him feel even more like punching the next wall for his stupidity, but this wasn't about him. He had to be there for her now.
"Let me help you please, Nat", he asked quietly, already reaching for the shampoo bottle and carefully urging her to stretch her legs so she could hang her head forward. It wasn't the best solution, but he didn't want to force his touch on her in any way now, not before they had cleared this mess up. And at least with doing this for her, he didn't have a problem. He had often enough in the past, when she had been too tired or injured.
He just had never been the reason for such a condition. For a moment, the self loathe wanted to come back, blinding him, causing his hands to tremble again, but he swallowed it down. Hadn't he just found out that didn't get him anywhere? He should rather correct his mistakes and could just hope, Natasha would give him the chance to.
"Just close your eyes for a little... and listen to me to the end please."
He reached for the shower head to get her hair wet again, gently, carefully to not pull on the tangled curls, spreading it down over her head with the other hand.
"If you want to leave then, I'll understand. I just... I need to try understand all this myself. It's not like I often think about it, you know. These are not exactly the things I tell the whitecoats to get through my evaluations."
He thought about where to start shortly while he spread a good amount of shampoo on the mess that was Natasha's hair. There wasn't much more to tell about that incident back then. Except for maybe the one thing she had just noted, that he had hurt her with- again. Today was a new record, definitely.
"I thought about telling you, at least, but I think you would have confronted these guys one way or another, and... I didn't want that. I didn't want them to be in trouble for something that I'd probably would have done myself, would it have been me in their place. Just the thought of losing someone so close... Like you for example... I'd be just as pissed with whoever was responsible. I'd have asked the same questions. Why didn't you fight harder? Why couldn't you stop him? Why did you let that guy control you?"
He stopped for a moment to take another shaky breath. They were nearing dangerous territory again, but he didn't stop. He had to be honest with her. Their relationship couldn't be based on lies. She had had enough of that in her life.
"And yes... That question keeps me awake many nights. If I could have saved all these people with my death, why didn't I? Why didn't I stop it before it started? But if I was in that situation again... I'd do just the same again. I told you, I'm not a man to give up, even if it would be better. I'm a stubborn bastard like that. And then..."
He hesitated for a second and leaned forward quickly for a kiss on Natasha's shoulder, hardly there, hardly to feel. Just an assurance how serious he was. And with the water still dripping over her skin, she hopefully wouldn't feel his tears flowing freely now.
"My mind was gone pretty quickly in these few seconds when that scepter touched me... But I remember thinking of you. I was afraid, he would come for you next. I wanted to find a way to protect you, somehow. And I... I wanted to see you again. I'm selfish like that, I guess. So I let him take me, thinking that maybe I could find a way out of this mess. But I didn't. I'm nothing the warrior you are.
All these years ago, when I saw your file and later when we fought, I already knew that on the right side, you would be capable of unbelievable things. You were like one of these heroes in the books I loved so much as a kid. With a dark past, sure, but that just made you stronger because you came out on top. It made me think, maybe I could be like that too. Be better than I am.
But I was always mediocre at best. I was always expendable. So I come back to the same question, if the world wouldn't be better off without me. And still couldn't do shit about it, even if the answer was yes. I never go down without a fight. And I don't..."
At this point he had to stop again because his voice became too rough, clear his throat, take a few seconds to start rinsing the foam out of her hair after he had softly worked the shampoo in, massaged her scalp the way she liked it so much for several minutes without even realizing.
"I don't want to lose you", he finally added when the shampoo was out and she would hear him again with the water not all around her head anymore. "I don't want to give up what I have with you, and I don't want to leave you.
Do you have this conditioner stuff here somewhere?"
Probably he should ask more something along the lines, if she wanted him to leave now, but he couldn't bring himself to. He wasn't sure, he wanted to hear the answer.