Clint didn’t seem to have any negative reaction to her words; in fact, he had little reaction at all, though Natasha had the feeling he wouldn’t mind a little time alone himself. What would they really do together at this point? They couldn’t talk this through, not without some time to figure out their own feelings on the matter first, so what did that leave? Distractions, all they would do was distract each other, and that wouldn’t solve anything.
“Thank you,” she said, smiling faintly as he kissed her hand. They could use some time apart, they just had to make sure not to shut each other out.
Staying seated at the table while Clint cleared it and gathered his stuff before disappearing downstairs, she eventually stood and went to the kitchen to prepare some tea. Once it was ready she returned to the living room, mug in hand, and sat cross-legged in the middle of the couch. She considered the balcony but figured the air-conditioned house was a better choice for now.
Closing her eyes she took a sip of her drink before settling the mug between her legs and taking a few deep breaths. Meditation wasn’t something she did often, but in this case she had to try to clear her mind as much as possible, so maybe there was something to this.
First she tried to separate her emotions from her thoughts and come up with a logical solution. She weighed all of their options, and logically there was no question: getting rid of the baby was the only choice. They were assassins, they worked for a shady government agency, they went away for long periods of time and put their lives at risk on every mission. How could they even think about raising a child like that? Their entire entire lives would have to change to make it work, and even then their reputations could haunt them and put the child in danger, and that was all assuming she was able to carry to term instead of losing it again.
Logically the answer was so simple, but she knew she couldn’t make this decision based on logic alone, not without shutting herself down emotionally first. So slowly she let her feelings back in and that was when things got complicated.
She had lost a child before and it had been devastating, and she didn’t want to risk doing that again. Wouldn’t it be easier to end it now while it was under her control than to lose it later after she had let herself want it and love it and adjust to the idea of having a child? But then again... what if she didn’t lose it? What if she managed to give birth to a healthy baby? What then? She would have to leave S.H.I.E.L.D., have to give up the life of adrenaline and intrigue that she was so used to. A couple of months and she would go crazy surely. Then there was Clint. At the moment he seemed as if he could walk away right now and leave that life behind without looking back, but could he really if it came down to it? Of course one of them could stay with S.H.I.E.L.D. while they other stayed with the baby, but the worry was bad enough without that extra element, and how would they explain their absence to the child as it grew older?
Again, logic was taking over, and again the answer was obvious. No matter how she sliced it, they simply were not cut out to be parents.
Listen to your heart, not your head, she tried to convince herself. Just once she had to just feel this completely and not let logic in. If they weren’t what they were, if there was no danger in any way; if she could have this baby and lead a normal life like normal people do, would she want that?
Rubbing one hand over her stomach, she thought about the life that had started to grow inside of her. Life. She had thought her body a wasteland incapable of providing anything but death, but she could give life. If she let it happen she could bring a life into this world, a little part of her and Clint. She imagined how the child might look. Maybe it would have her hair and his piercing blue eyes. She thought of holding it in her arms, to hold life in her hands and protect it instead of end it. Then she thought of Clint and that stupid grin he wore whenever Liho showed him any affection. He was so terrified of becoming his father, but she knew he would be wonderful at it given the chance.
The chance she could give him.
She imagined Clint teaching the child archery, and chuckled to discover she imagined a little girl. A girl who would learn ballet and gymnastics and would grow up strong and beautiful and wise. A child who would never lack for love like her parents had.
Silent tears streamed down Natasha’s cheeks even as her lips curled up into a smile as she continued to imagine this perfect life that could never truly be, but there was a chance. There was a chance if she could bring herself to take it.
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“Thank you,” she said, smiling faintly as he kissed her hand. They could use some time apart, they just had to make sure not to shut each other out.
Staying seated at the table while Clint cleared it and gathered his stuff before disappearing downstairs, she eventually stood and went to the kitchen to prepare some tea. Once it was ready she returned to the living room, mug in hand, and sat cross-legged in the middle of the couch. She considered the balcony but figured the air-conditioned house was a better choice for now.
Closing her eyes she took a sip of her drink before settling the mug between her legs and taking a few deep breaths. Meditation wasn’t something she did often, but in this case she had to try to clear her mind as much as possible, so maybe there was something to this.
First she tried to separate her emotions from her thoughts and come up with a logical solution. She weighed all of their options, and logically there was no question: getting rid of the baby was the only choice. They were assassins, they worked for a shady government agency, they went away for long periods of time and put their lives at risk on every mission. How could they even think about raising a child like that? Their entire entire lives would have to change to make it work, and even then their reputations could haunt them and put the child in danger, and that was all assuming she was able to carry to term instead of losing it again.
Logically the answer was so simple, but she knew she couldn’t make this decision based on logic alone, not without shutting herself down emotionally first. So slowly she let her feelings back in and that was when things got complicated.
She had lost a child before and it had been devastating, and she didn’t want to risk doing that again. Wouldn’t it be easier to end it now while it was under her control than to lose it later after she had let herself want it and love it and adjust to the idea of having a child? But then again... what if she didn’t lose it? What if she managed to give birth to a healthy baby? What then? She would have to leave S.H.I.E.L.D., have to give up the life of adrenaline and intrigue that she was so used to. A couple of months and she would go crazy surely. Then there was Clint. At the moment he seemed as if he could walk away right now and leave that life behind without looking back, but could he really if it came down to it? Of course one of them could stay with S.H.I.E.L.D. while they other stayed with the baby, but the worry was bad enough without that extra element, and how would they explain their absence to the child as it grew older?
Again, logic was taking over, and again the answer was obvious. No matter how she sliced it, they simply were not cut out to be parents.
Listen to your heart, not your head, she tried to convince herself. Just once she had to just feel this completely and not let logic in. If they weren’t what they were, if there was no danger in any way; if she could have this baby and lead a normal life like normal people do, would she want that?
Rubbing one hand over her stomach, she thought about the life that had started to grow inside of her. Life. She had thought her body a wasteland incapable of providing anything but death, but she could give life. If she let it happen she could bring a life into this world, a little part of her and Clint. She imagined how the child might look. Maybe it would have her hair and his piercing blue eyes. She thought of holding it in her arms, to hold life in her hands and protect it instead of end it. Then she thought of Clint and that stupid grin he wore whenever Liho showed him any affection. He was so terrified of becoming his father, but she knew he would be wonderful at it given the chance.
The chance she could give him.
She imagined Clint teaching the child archery, and chuckled to discover she imagined a little girl. A girl who would learn ballet and gymnastics and would grow up strong and beautiful and wise. A child who would never lack for love like her parents had.
Silent tears streamed down Natasha’s cheeks even as her lips curled up into a smile as she continued to imagine this perfect life that could never truly be, but there was a chance. There was a chance if she could bring herself to take it.