Clint listened quietly, let her speak out all these words he had heard from her before, in one way or another. Tried to let them get through to all the doubts and fears that had settled in especially in the last months. He wished, he could believe it. He had used to. He had never been a righteous soldier like Steve or a God-like flawless being like Thor. He bit his way through his career, tried to keep his body and mind as intact as possible with miserable success and to choose his missions wisely enough to still be able to sleep at night. Another thing he wasn't overly successful with.
All he could really say for himself was that he tried and had never even come close to give up. Even when it would have been better.
It was a reflex like breathing, he was simply unable to stop himself from startling when Natasha's fingertips came to rest right on that same spot where his old life had been sucked out of him more than a year ago. No way she would have missed that. He didn't flinch away further, tried to let himself fall into that touch, sooth it away these other, so much worse memories.
The last time someone had deemed him worthy for great things, hadn't worked out so well.
Only when she told him, she loved him, the painful tension that had already settled in his back again, let go a little. He knew it, that was something he could believe, hear it in her voice, see it in her eyes.
"I want to be everything for you. My love for you is what keeps me going. I want to be that good kind of person for you. That's the guy I can live with being", he answered quietly, leaning into the touch of her hand.
Warm, soft, familiar. Not the coldness that already tried to seep into his veins again. Somehow he had to try to hold on to this sensation instead of going through the same nightmare again and again.
"I just don't know about the rest anymore. I'm not half the soldier I should be. A good soldier would have taken himself out before being compromised like I was. A lot of people wouldn't have died if I had just taken my cyanide in the right moment."
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Date: 2014-03-26 11:52 am (UTC)From:All he could really say for himself was that he tried and had never even come close to give up. Even when it would have been better.
It was a reflex like breathing, he was simply unable to stop himself from startling when Natasha's fingertips came to rest right on that same spot where his old life had been sucked out of him more than a year ago. No way she would have missed that. He didn't flinch away further, tried to let himself fall into that touch, sooth it away these other, so much worse memories.
The last time someone had deemed him worthy for great things, hadn't worked out so well.
Only when she told him, she loved him, the painful tension that had already settled in his back again, let go a little. He knew it, that was something he could believe, hear it in her voice, see it in her eyes.
"I want to be everything for you. My love for you is what keeps me going. I want to be that good kind of person for you. That's the guy I can live with being", he answered quietly, leaning into the touch of her hand.
Warm, soft, familiar. Not the coldness that already tried to seep into his veins again. Somehow he had to try to hold on to this sensation instead of going through the same nightmare again and again.
"I just don't know about the rest anymore. I'm not half the soldier I should be. A good soldier would have taken himself out before being compromised like I was. A lot of people wouldn't have died if I had just taken my cyanide in the right moment."