When he offered to help her she didn’t refuse; it would be a whole lot better than sitting there, staring at each other. Well, maybe not better, but it would make it easier to talk. Maneuvering a bit so she was at a better angle, she hung her head and sucked in a deep breath at the familiar touch. It was so tempting to lose herself in just that and tell him that it didn’t matter, but if they didn’t talk about this now it would only fester, and they would both be left wondering. Eventually it would all come to a head again, and it would only be worse next time.
She did as asked, and once again stayed silent while he talked, though she was quick to stopping him from the get go when he even thought to suggest that she could leave. No matter what she would not walk out on him.
She listened as he made his excuse, and she had to admit it was a good one. She would have wanted to defend him, to do something in retribution. What Clint didn’t get, though, was that if they were swapping situations, if he was the agent who had lost a loved one... if she were to be anyone else in this situation, then she would be Clint. Why didn’t she stop those that controlled her? Why did she do what they told her? She had killed men, women, children; she had killed husbands and brothers. She wasn’t sure Clint would ever understand that.
Still, it was a bit relief when he said he wouldn’t have given up, even if he’d had it to do all over again, though she knew there was much more to it. She steeled herself to listen, though the kiss took her by surprise and she unconsciously flinched.
He kept talking.
Just hearing the raw emotion in his voice made her heart ache, but to hear him speak so poorly of himself made her want to hit him. This was not the cocky archer her had bested her all those years ago, but she hadn’t realised just how hard he had fallen.
The silence while he rinsed her hair gave her time to think, and when he was finished she wiped one eye with the back of her hand and peered out through the sopping curtain of red hair to located the conditioner bottle. Handing it to him wordlessly, it took her another minute before she responded.
“For someone who is so confident in his abilities on the range and in the field, you have a real poor sense of self worth,” she finally said. “You are not mediocre, you are not expendable, and the world would not be better without you, and I’m tempted to kick your ass for even saying such a thing.”
Her voice was still raw, but it was a little stronger now than before. It was her turn to talk, and he better damn well listen. “If it hadn’t been you that day then it would have been someone else. They would have had different skills, the plan would have been different, but Loki still would have gotten shit done and people still would have died. Maybe your replacement wouldn’t have been as effective, but it all would have still happened, one way or another, only in the end you wouldn’t have been there to help us take him down, and even more people would have died.”
She took a deep, shuddering breath and clenched her jaw. She couldn’t give in now, she had to get it all out. It was time for a little tough love.
“I want to help you, Clint, but I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself; I can’t give you back what Loki stole, you have to do that yourself, but first you have to stop this pity party you’re throwing yourself. When you said that you should have died to prevent the death of others... is that what I should have done? You feel like people are right to hate you, that they shouldn’t trust you, shouldn’t have anything to do with you... is that how they should feel about me? You were under Loki’s control, Clint, and maybe you could have tried to fight him but he’s a fucking god and we both know it wouldn’t have made a difference. You can’t be held accountable for what you did, there was nothing you could have done to stop it, no matter how much you try to tell yourself there is, so it’s time to stop beating yourself up over something you had no say in. You know my past, you know how many people I killed, and no matter what the Red Room did to me, you know these were my conscious actions. And after I left, when I went out on my own, I chose to kill, I sold my skills to whoever paid enough.”
The anger was back now; anger at him for making her doubt herself, but more than that she was angry that he was still blaming himself, angry that Loki had torn him down so far.
“I fight every day to atone for what I did. There is no point living in regret, I can only move forward. Maybe it was easier for me because of my training, because of my life, because I took myself away from it all, but everything you did was not your doing, it was not your fault. Even if you can never accept that, you can work toward getting past it. Just look at your childhood, look at the things you lived through with your sense of humour still in tact. You are stronger than you think, Clint, you just need to stop convincing yourself you aren’t.”
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Date: 2014-03-27 08:39 pm (UTC)From:She did as asked, and once again stayed silent while he talked, though she was quick to stopping him from the get go when he even thought to suggest that she could leave. No matter what she would not walk out on him.
She listened as he made his excuse, and she had to admit it was a good one. She would have wanted to defend him, to do something in retribution. What Clint didn’t get, though, was that if they were swapping situations, if he was the agent who had lost a loved one... if she were to be anyone else in this situation, then she would be Clint. Why didn’t she stop those that controlled her? Why did she do what they told her? She had killed men, women, children; she had killed husbands and brothers. She wasn’t sure Clint would ever understand that.
Still, it was a bit relief when he said he wouldn’t have given up, even if he’d had it to do all over again, though she knew there was much more to it. She steeled herself to listen, though the kiss took her by surprise and she unconsciously flinched.
He kept talking.
Just hearing the raw emotion in his voice made her heart ache, but to hear him speak so poorly of himself made her want to hit him. This was not the cocky archer her had bested her all those years ago, but she hadn’t realised just how hard he had fallen.
The silence while he rinsed her hair gave her time to think, and when he was finished she wiped one eye with the back of her hand and peered out through the sopping curtain of red hair to located the conditioner bottle. Handing it to him wordlessly, it took her another minute before she responded.
“For someone who is so confident in his abilities on the range and in the field, you have a real poor sense of self worth,” she finally said. “You are not mediocre, you are not expendable, and the world would not be better without you, and I’m tempted to kick your ass for even saying such a thing.”
Her voice was still raw, but it was a little stronger now than before. It was her turn to talk, and he better damn well listen. “If it hadn’t been you that day then it would have been someone else. They would have had different skills, the plan would have been different, but Loki still would have gotten shit done and people still would have died. Maybe your replacement wouldn’t have been as effective, but it all would have still happened, one way or another, only in the end you wouldn’t have been there to help us take him down, and even more people would have died.”
She took a deep, shuddering breath and clenched her jaw. She couldn’t give in now, she had to get it all out. It was time for a little tough love.
“I want to help you, Clint, but I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself; I can’t give you back what Loki stole, you have to do that yourself, but first you have to stop this pity party you’re throwing yourself. When you said that you should have died to prevent the death of others... is that what I should have done? You feel like people are right to hate you, that they shouldn’t trust you, shouldn’t have anything to do with you... is that how they should feel about me? You were under Loki’s control, Clint, and maybe you could have tried to fight him but he’s a fucking god and we both know it wouldn’t have made a difference. You can’t be held accountable for what you did, there was nothing you could have done to stop it, no matter how much you try to tell yourself there is, so it’s time to stop beating yourself up over something you had no say in. You know my past, you know how many people I killed, and no matter what the Red Room did to me, you know these were my conscious actions. And after I left, when I went out on my own, I chose to kill, I sold my skills to whoever paid enough.”
The anger was back now; anger at him for making her doubt herself, but more than that she was angry that he was still blaming himself, angry that Loki had torn him down so far.
“I fight every day to atone for what I did. There is no point living in regret, I can only move forward. Maybe it was easier for me because of my training, because of my life, because I took myself away from it all, but everything you did was not your doing, it was not your fault. Even if you can never accept that, you can work toward getting past it. Just look at your childhood, look at the things you lived through with your sense of humour still in tact. You are stronger than you think, Clint, you just need to stop convincing yourself you aren’t.”