Clint just stared at her for many long moments, not even sure if his expression really changed, if his eyes, his body were moving. He stared through her, through everything for a second, he couldn't quite feel his body and even less what was going on in his head. It wasn't surprise, that much he knew. Not after all but knowing it from the early morning on, and suspecting it longer than he wanted to admit even to himself.
Of course he had known. And that hole of ice cold fear in the middle of his body had been there all along. It just spread into every single cell now, paralyzing every thought, every muscle, every feeling. For a moment he wondered if he was back in the cold darkness of the P.E.G.A.S.U.S. lab with a crazy ass wannabe-God ripping his soul out of his body until nothing was left of him. The fear, the confusion, the panic, all of it just was too powerful for a moment to even let himself feel it, leave alone cope with it.
Only when his eyes started to ache, he remembered how to blink again, and a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding burned in his throat. With the pain the world fell back into place and he felt some more where his nails had dug down hard in his opposite arms, but at least he didn't feel completely zombified anymore, completely numb by something overthrowing him helplessly. He had sworn to never be that helpless anymore in his life, to never lose control that way again, and he certainly couldn't do it now when Natasha needed him more than ever.
But he couldn't stop his still too cold feeling hands from shaking when he reached out for her and pulled her in his arms, coax her to bury her face against his shoulder so she didn't need to watch him, as he was still at a loss of what to say. Or what to feel.
None of the too strong, too powerful emotions inside could really break through that ice of terrified disbelief covering his mind. And maybe it was better that way. Maybe he shouldn't allow himself to feel. He would have to be strong for Natasha now. Stay by her side in every step of the only way of dealing with this, that her body would allow. At least as far as he knew.
He was pretty sure, if he even allowed himself to think of the other possibility, that maybe this news wouldn't just mean pain and loss, then the panic would take over. Then he would probably already be out of the door to run for a few hours until he would collapse under the noon sun.
He didn't want to ask, didn't want to know, but he had to. He had to be with her, stay with her through this. He could just hope they were lucky with this part of the story. The last thing he wanted Natasha to go through was some legal crap before she could go through a painful enough experience to solve this problem.
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Date: 2014-06-08 09:42 pm (UTC)From:Of course he had known. And that hole of ice cold fear in the middle of his body had been there all along. It just spread into every single cell now, paralyzing every thought, every muscle, every feeling. For a moment he wondered if he was back in the cold darkness of the P.E.G.A.S.U.S. lab with a crazy ass wannabe-God ripping his soul out of his body until nothing was left of him. The fear, the confusion, the panic, all of it just was too powerful for a moment to even let himself feel it, leave alone cope with it.
Only when his eyes started to ache, he remembered how to blink again, and a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding burned in his throat. With the pain the world fell back into place and he felt some more where his nails had dug down hard in his opposite arms, but at least he didn't feel completely zombified anymore, completely numb by something overthrowing him helplessly. He had sworn to never be that helpless anymore in his life, to never lose control that way again, and he certainly couldn't do it now when Natasha needed him more than ever.
But he couldn't stop his still too cold feeling hands from shaking when he reached out for her and pulled her in his arms, coax her to bury her face against his shoulder so she didn't need to watch him, as he was still at a loss of what to say. Or what to feel.
None of the too strong, too powerful emotions inside could really break through that ice of terrified disbelief covering his mind. And maybe it was better that way. Maybe he shouldn't allow himself to feel. He would have to be strong for Natasha now. Stay by her side in every step of the only way of dealing with this, that her body would allow. At least as far as he knew.
He was pretty sure, if he even allowed himself to think of the other possibility, that maybe this news wouldn't just mean pain and loss, then the panic would take over. Then he would probably already be out of the door to run for a few hours until he would collapse under the noon sun.
He didn't want to ask, didn't want to know, but he had to. He had to be with her, stay with her through this. He could just hope they were lucky with this part of the story. The last thing he wanted Natasha to go through was some legal crap before she could go through a painful enough experience to solve this problem.
"How long?"