When he took her hand, Natasha didn’t know whether she wanted to snatch it away or squeeze his fingers comfortingly. She was confused and lost and while a part of her knew that the only way they were going to get through this was to talk about it and support each other, that instinct to hide, to put on a strong mask and do what needed to be done, was fighting for dominance.
Then he looked at her and she knew she was in trouble.
The sheer emotion in his eyes, the unshed tears waiting to be released... how could she lie to him when he was being so honest with her? Didn’t they say that there would be no more lies? She wanted to run, to do anything to prevent the words she knew were coming; if he didn’t ask she wouldn’t have to lie.
“Clint, please,” she pleaded, her voice barely a whisper, but he was already asking and it was too late.
His eyes froze her in place and for a moment she could only stare back at him before finally finding her voice. “I can’t.” Pulling her hand back and wrapping her arms around her legs again she shook her head. This time she didn’t mean physically, there was so much more to it, and he deserved an explanation. He deserved the truth, and if they were going to make this work then she had to be honest with him, otherwise whatever happened it would tear them apart.
“I can’t,” she said again, forcing herself to look at him. “If I let myself want it, and I lose it...”
It happened to other women every day. Some women suffered multiple miscarriages before finally getting the baby they wanted, but Natasha wasn’t sure she was strong enough for that. She had spent over a decade believing it wasn’t possible, and to let herself hope now, to let herself want... “It’s just easier this way.” Easier to not try, to not take that risk. But when had she ever taken the easier route before?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2014-06-09 08:24 pm (UTC)From:Then he looked at her and she knew she was in trouble.
The sheer emotion in his eyes, the unshed tears waiting to be released... how could she lie to him when he was being so honest with her? Didn’t they say that there would be no more lies? She wanted to run, to do anything to prevent the words she knew were coming; if he didn’t ask she wouldn’t have to lie.
“Clint, please,” she pleaded, her voice barely a whisper, but he was already asking and it was too late.
His eyes froze her in place and for a moment she could only stare back at him before finally finding her voice. “I can’t.” Pulling her hand back and wrapping her arms around her legs again she shook her head. This time she didn’t mean physically, there was so much more to it, and he deserved an explanation. He deserved the truth, and if they were going to make this work then she had to be honest with him, otherwise whatever happened it would tear them apart.
“I can’t,” she said again, forcing herself to look at him. “If I let myself want it, and I lose it...”
It happened to other women every day. Some women suffered multiple miscarriages before finally getting the baby they wanted, but Natasha wasn’t sure she was strong enough for that. She had spent over a decade believing it wasn’t possible, and to let herself hope now, to let herself want... “It’s just easier this way.” Easier to not try, to not take that risk. But when had she ever taken the easier route before?