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The first few nights were the worst; that initial moment of panic when she awoke alone before remembering where she was and that Clint was thousands of miles away, the emptiness she felt not just in the bed but in her heart when he wasn’t near. Eventually that faded but with each passing day Natasha grew more worried about how he was holding up. How was he coping with the nightmares without her to sooth them away? Was he working himself too hard as a distraction?
More than any of that, though, was that unshakeable expectation that her phone would one day ring and she would be called back with those three words that made her blood run cold and still haunted her dreams.
Barton’s been compromised.
She couldn’t shake the fear, but worse than that was the realisation that the phone call never would come, even if something did happen to him. With Coulson gone, who else would know to call her? Who else knew how important Clint was to her? Sure, many people had their suspicions, but none of them knew for certain because she had never allowed it. She had been so insistent that they keep their relationship secret, and with each passing day it became harder and harder to remember why. Over the years he had become a very important part of her life, the best thing in her life, so why was it so hard to give herself over so completely? What was she so afraid of?
His last words to her ran through her mind constantly, the clear desperation in his voice making it clear that it was something he had been holding back for a long time. He loved her, and he didn’t say it expecting to hear it back, nor did he say it in some last ditch effort to get her to stay, or to stall her for a few more minutes. He said it because he felt it, because he meant it, and because he needed her to know how he felt. There was no manipulation behind the words, only truth.
And she had said nothing in return.
She could argue all she wanted with herself that there hadn’t been time, that the doors had closed and cut off any reply, but ultimately it was a lie. She could have stopped the lift, she could have gone back up or even called him. She could have been a few minutes late getting to the base, but she had just walked away like she always did. Now she couldn’t stop thinking about it, couldn’t stop regretting it.
“...if something did happen and I didn’t say it I’d never forgive myself.” Those were the words that haunted her the most. She knew how he felt, now without question, but she kept her own feelings so guarded, kept them even from herself, that there was no way he could know. What if something happened to him while she was gone? Or to her? She had a lot of time to analyze her own feelings during this mission, but what if she never got to tell him? What if he never knew?
All these thoughts plagued her every waking hour so Natasha threw herself into the mission more than ever. She took more risks, pushed harder than normal. It was dangerous and she very well could have blown the entire mission, but it seemed that luck was on her side. The job was expected to take at least four months.
She finished in three and a half.
Every second felt like a full minute as she sat through her debriefing. Director Fury praised her speed even as he showed disapproval for her recklessness, but in the end it was a mission accomplished and a job well done.
Walking out of his office, Natasha made a beeline for the weapons range. She had asked Agent Hill about Barton’s status, her heart pounding in her chest, and had been beyond relieved to hear that he was currently on base, safe and sound. She could have called him the second the mission was over, but having finished so early she had hoped to surprise him. Of course it also played a factor that if she had called him and received no answer she wouldn’t have known how to handle that.
Stopping just outside the archery range, she took a deep breath. He wouldn’t be expecting her, and while she hadn’t done anything so drastic as shave her head or go blonde, she did look a little different. She hadn’t cut her hair since before their last conversation, and while it hadn’t grown that much in their time apart she had taken the time to straighten out the curls which gave the illusion of extra length. He would probably look just the same, she hoped he would, and after a moment’s pause she pushed the door open and walked in.
More than any of that, though, was that unshakeable expectation that her phone would one day ring and she would be called back with those three words that made her blood run cold and still haunted her dreams.
Barton’s been compromised.
She couldn’t shake the fear, but worse than that was the realisation that the phone call never would come, even if something did happen to him. With Coulson gone, who else would know to call her? Who else knew how important Clint was to her? Sure, many people had their suspicions, but none of them knew for certain because she had never allowed it. She had been so insistent that they keep their relationship secret, and with each passing day it became harder and harder to remember why. Over the years he had become a very important part of her life, the best thing in her life, so why was it so hard to give herself over so completely? What was she so afraid of?
His last words to her ran through her mind constantly, the clear desperation in his voice making it clear that it was something he had been holding back for a long time. He loved her, and he didn’t say it expecting to hear it back, nor did he say it in some last ditch effort to get her to stay, or to stall her for a few more minutes. He said it because he felt it, because he meant it, and because he needed her to know how he felt. There was no manipulation behind the words, only truth.
And she had said nothing in return.
She could argue all she wanted with herself that there hadn’t been time, that the doors had closed and cut off any reply, but ultimately it was a lie. She could have stopped the lift, she could have gone back up or even called him. She could have been a few minutes late getting to the base, but she had just walked away like she always did. Now she couldn’t stop thinking about it, couldn’t stop regretting it.
“...if something did happen and I didn’t say it I’d never forgive myself.” Those were the words that haunted her the most. She knew how he felt, now without question, but she kept her own feelings so guarded, kept them even from herself, that there was no way he could know. What if something happened to him while she was gone? Or to her? She had a lot of time to analyze her own feelings during this mission, but what if she never got to tell him? What if he never knew?
All these thoughts plagued her every waking hour so Natasha threw herself into the mission more than ever. She took more risks, pushed harder than normal. It was dangerous and she very well could have blown the entire mission, but it seemed that luck was on her side. The job was expected to take at least four months.
She finished in three and a half.
Every second felt like a full minute as she sat through her debriefing. Director Fury praised her speed even as he showed disapproval for her recklessness, but in the end it was a mission accomplished and a job well done.
Walking out of his office, Natasha made a beeline for the weapons range. She had asked Agent Hill about Barton’s status, her heart pounding in her chest, and had been beyond relieved to hear that he was currently on base, safe and sound. She could have called him the second the mission was over, but having finished so early she had hoped to surprise him. Of course it also played a factor that if she had called him and received no answer she wouldn’t have known how to handle that.
Stopping just outside the archery range, she took a deep breath. He wouldn’t be expecting her, and while she hadn’t done anything so drastic as shave her head or go blonde, she did look a little different. She hadn’t cut her hair since before their last conversation, and while it hadn’t grown that much in their time apart she had taken the time to straighten out the curls which gave the illusion of extra length. He would probably look just the same, she hoped he would, and after a moment’s pause she pushed the door open and walked in.
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Date: 2013-06-15 08:16 pm (UTC)From:Words caught in his throat as both his hands reached up to slide along her legs, parting them easily and pitching forward, lips finding hers, making himself comfortable back between her legs. It was still easy, this was still easy. They can slip back into these roles perfectly much like they could slip back into being partners after solo missions.
Lips break from hers, dipping down to her neck, lips at her ear, "Ride me?"
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Date: 2013-06-16 01:23 am (UTC)From:She had never wanted a man more in her life than she wanted him, and she swore he was like an addiction. These past few months had been torture, and finally having him back again, naked and wanting her, she wanted to obliterate any space between them, to feel his hands all over her, to feel him inside of her, filling her up and making her feel whole again.
His question made her suck in a breath, more because he had formed it as a question instead of a want. She didn’t waste time in answering, instead smoothly rolling them over so she was now straddling him. Trailing kisses down his neck and chest, she stopped to twirl her tongue around his nipple while pressing herself against him and sliding up along his length. She was already slick and wet, and she could feel how hard he was, but she still looked up at him and grinned, placing her hands on his chest and pushing herself up. “Are you ready for me?” she asked with a wicked smile, her nails digging slightly into his chest.
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Date: 2013-06-16 01:40 am (UTC)From:He rolled with her, reached for another pillow to prop himself up so he could see her better, hands pushing her hair away so he could watch what she was doing, sucking a breath in at her lips and tongue and when she sat up at her nails which bit into his chest. "You know I'm ready, should be obvious." Hands dropped to her hips, rocking her against him slowly. "Don't drag this out Tasha, we've waited long enough."
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Date: 2013-06-16 02:18 pm (UTC)From:She needed this, they both did, and when she wrapped her hand around him and positioned herself above, she wasted no more time before sinking down around him, drawing him in as deeply as she could and letting out a long, drawn out sigh as she did so, like she finally felt complete and whole again. “God, you feel good,” she breathed, rotating her hips just slightly as she adjusted to his girth.
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Date: 2013-06-16 08:03 pm (UTC)From:He pushed himself up far enough to wrap a hand around the back of her neck, pulling her down with him to kiss her, sucking her bottom lip into his mouth and biting it softly. "You all right?" Confirmation, before he started moving, because even though she was on top he wasn't about to sit back and do nothing.
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Date: 2013-06-16 09:18 pm (UTC)From:“More than alright,” she said against his lips before drawing him into another kiss as she started to move, raising her hips before lowering over him again.
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Date: 2013-06-18 12:05 am (UTC)From:He held her close,hands tangled in her hair holding her lips close to him as he breathed and breathed and caught her lips back in return while she moved.
She felt so good, more than home, everything he'd ever wanted and more, everything he'd thought he'd lost over the years, his. He groaned, shifted hips up to meet hers, smiled slightly against her lips.
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Date: 2013-06-18 09:55 pm (UTC)From:Swallowing his groan she rocked harder against him, her pace increasing as he moved to meet her.