Dancing in the Dark (for farmboyhawk)

[study_in_scarlet]

They didn’t get a lot of time off together, at least not enough to make a trip away worthwhile, so for this one weekend they decided to stay in the city and play tourist for the day.

They had started with a walk through Central Park before grabbing an early lunch at one of the city’s many street vendors and then wandering through the American Museum of Natural history. Natasha found the Hall of Minerals fascinating while Clint had gotten a kick out of all the dinosaur bones. They both enjoyed laying under the big blue whale with all the normal people.

Afterwards they went to a nice restaurant for supper, blending into the crowd of normal couples as best they could and Natasha actually forgot if she was playing a role or being herself as they finished their wine and shared their desserts.

“Thank you,” she said sincerely as they left the restaurant, stepping back into the cool night air. Nearby a busker played guitar and sang with surprising melody and soul, barely seeming to notice as people threw change into his open case, so caught up was he in his music.


Comments

[farmboyhawk]

"I'll leave if you need time for yourself, you know that", Clint answered after a moment of thinking.

Maybe it would have been a good idea, tiring himself out on a run, before he could start thinking too much again. Maybe he would, tomorrow, he just needed to get up earlier. Natasha awoke around fairly the same time these days, he just needed to be back in time. But there was no way in hell he would leave her alone in this state if she didn't want him to.

"Until then I'll just be the annoying mother hen and run around to get you whatever you need. I can do it naked if that helps."

He gave her a half-hearted wink and pulled the covers a little higher because now he was actually beginning to feel cold.

[study_in_scarlet]

She knew he would give her space if she wanted it, but she wasn’t sure she did; she wasn’t sure what she wanted at all. Part of her wanted to be alone to wallow for a few minutes before pulling herself together to carry on, while another part wanted to curl up against Clint’s side and stay in bed all day. These two very opposite viewpoints were very clearly at war.

“I don’t know, it’s a little chilly in here,” she said, noting the way Clint covered up a little more despite his comment. “You’re more impressive to watch when it’s not so cold.”

She couldn’t help teasing him despite everything. The warm tea was already helping to revive her, though her empty stomach was still churning away and threatening to revolt again. She felt it might settle without further incident, though.

[farmboyhawk]

"I'll just have to cover up the most important parts."

Clint returned her smile and curled under the covers a little more, forming a comfortable little nest to stay warm in. He would have loved to invite Natasha in but until she felt better this morning, it was better to stay on distance.

He watched her from half closed lids and yawned a little into the soft cotton of the covers. He didn't think he could sleep again, but dozing for a little while, while Natasha let her own body rest and find back its balance, wasn't the worst idea. She didn't look like she wanted to talk right now.

"Just tell me when you need me, okay?" he mumbled, keeping the worst of worry out of his voice somehow.

[study_in_scarlet]

“That sort of defeats the purpose,” Natasha countered.

Sipping slowly at her tea, she watched Clint get settled again. He still looked so tired and she wondered if the nightmares had kept him up again. If so, at least they hadn’t been the disorienting and violent type if the only harm done was a little sleep loss. He seemed in good enough spirits, though, so she hoped that meant he had made it through one night without being haunted.

“I will,” she agreed, and she was determined to try to do so. Shifting her mug to one hand, she ran the fingers of the other gently through his hair. He looked rather adorable all curled up like that and she made sure to commit the picture to memory.

Settling a little more against the headboard, Natasha closed her eyes and let the warmth of the tea and the comfortable silence envelop her. The worst of the morning seemed to be over.

[farmboyhawk]

Natasha didn't steer for a while and breathed calmer, deeper, so Clint assumed, she was getting better and allowed himself to drift a little. He tried to get back to that fuzzy feeling of hugging Natasha's body in the morning, snuggling close to her belly before her stomach had protested. It had felt... nice. Comforting. He just had to remind himself to not do it in the middle of the night.

"Sorry that I woke you", he murmured, sleep thick again in his voice. "It was just... I dreamed of us... of the little one."

[study_in_scarlet]

The tea definitely seemed to be helping, and by the time she had finished half the mug Natasha felt that she wouldn’t need her bucket any more today. All in all, while it certainly was an awful way to wake up, she reassured herself that if that was the worst she had to deal with over the next couple of weeks, at least, then she could handle it.

Her hand in Clint’s hair stilled at his words before moving to rub gently over her stomach. It was a bit funny to think that they could share the same dream, but then considering how much this would be weighing on their minds then it probably should come as no surprise. She thought of her own dream, of the happiness Clint seemed to radiate as he touched her very pregnant belly before the sickness had twisted everything and woke her up. She hoped to see that smile in real life some day, to live out that little bit of her dream.

“Tell me about it?” she asked quietly.

[farmboyhawk]

Clint only realized how comforting that gentle hand touching him had been when it was gone. Yearning to feel it again, he leaned his head back to look up from his little nest to Natasha. When he saw her touching her belly with that thoughtful expression, his heart dropped a little. What did he expect, though? They wouldn't know for sure until the day of birth if everything would be alright. Even if chances were really good that it would work out... Natasha would live with that fear throughout the next months.

He reached out from his little cocoon to place his hand on hers and got that smile on his lips that still was so hard for her to show. It was his job to carry them both through this. Natasha already had something to carry.

"I loved how you looked holding the little one", he said just as quietly, carefully, but still with a hint of that anticipation the dream had left. "Wish I could have seen her face... I mean, or his... You looked so happy. Hard to believe it's only a few months until this happens..."

[study_in_scarlet]

Her gaze shifted to Clint when his hand covered hers and she offered a faint smile in return. If he hadn’t wanted this she would have still tried to get through it on her own, but she was so fucking glad he was in this with her. There was very little she truly needed in life, but right now she needed him.

She listened to his words, but more than that it was his tone that she paid attention to. He was being cautious, careful of her emotions, but she could tell that he was excited. This was no longer just something they would get through, nor something they could try to avoid until things were more sure. He wanted this baby, really wanted it. Natasha wasn’t sure whether to be terrified or excited.

“A few months,” she breathed with a shaky laugh. “It’s still so hard to believe.” Even with the obvious changes to her body and the affects it was having on her, she was still having a hard time connecting it all and accepting that in only a few months, if all went well, they would have a baby. They had made this, together. As many lives as they had both taken over the years, this was their chance to bring one into the world, a little piece of both of them.

Natasha’s smile grew a little more genuine. “You think it’s a girl?”

[study_in_scarlet]

Her gaze shifted to Clint when his hand covered hers and she offered a faint smile in return. If he hadn’t wanted this she would have still tried to get through it on her own, but she was so fucking glad he was in this with her. There was very little she truly needed in life, but right now she needed him.

She listened to his words, but more than that it was his tone that she paid attention to. He was being cautious, careful of her emotions, but she could tell that he was excited. This was no longer just something they would get through, nor something they could try to avoid until things were more sure. He wanted this baby, really wanted it. Natasha wasn’t sure whether to be terrified or excited.

“A few months,” she breathed with a shaky laugh. “It’s still so hard to believe.” Even with the obvious changes to her body and the affects it was having on her, she was still having a hard time connecting it all and accepting that in only a few months, if all went well, they would have a baby. They had made this, together. As many lives as they had both taken over the years, this was their chance to bring one into the world, a little piece of both of them.

Natasha’s smile grew a little more genuine. “You think it’s a girl?”

[farmboyhawk]

"Maybe? I guess..."

Clint's cheeks turned a deep shade of red. No one could know, of course, and it was definitely stupid to wish for something. They would be happy to have that baby either way, thankful for this miracle if everything worked out. But if he was being completely honest with himself, he always saw Natasha with a little girl on her arms when he allowed himself to think about it.

"I mean, it will be beautiful and perfect and everything no matter what."

He threaded his fingers through Natasha's and drew small caressing lines on her belly as if he could already touch the little life that was waiting for them in there.

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha felt a swell of emotions as she thought about it. A little girl. Would she have her mother’s curls or her father’s straight here? Would her eyes be blue? Green? Would she be strong and brave and adventurous?

Looking down at their entwined hands on her belly, Natasha felt her eyes starting to sting with the overwhelming emotions. It didn’t matter, none of that mattered. All that mattered was that she have a better childhood than either of her parents. It was easy to do better than Clint’s, but Natasha’s... she had had parents that loved her once. It wasn’t until she had lost them that her she lost all that love and innocence, and considering her and Clint’s profession, that was a very real possibility for their child as well if things didn’t change.

What were they going to do?

They had time to worry about that later. Right now she had to try her best to keep the worrying to a minimum, at least until they were well out of the danger zone.

“And spoiled no matter what,” she said with the hint of a smirk. Setting her mug aside, she moved her free hand now to Clint’s head, fingers moving gently through his hair again.

[farmboyhawk]

"Definitely."

Clint had spotted the tears in Natasha's eyes and tried to keep the mood light. Every moment they didn't have to spend with worry right now was precious. But he slipped his arm around her hips, softly, without holding her tight, to let her know, he was there if she wanted to talk more serious things.

Until then spending the morning with all these little precious dreams seemed to be the best help for Natasha's rude awakenings. He pressed against her hand with a quiet hum, enjoying the tenderness of the moment between... well, the three of them.

"It's not too early to buy her a bow yet, is it?"

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha was grateful for the gesture, for the offer, even if she didn’t take him up on it right now. It was just a comfort to know that she could, that they could talk about the harder stuff whenever she was ready. She hoped he knew that it worked both ways.

Smiling when he leaned into her touched she continued to work her fingers through his hair, gently mashing his scalp from time to time. “Maybe a little,” she replied. She didn’t even want to tell anyone yet, so buying anything this early felt like tempting the fates, even if it was just a joke. “We don’t know what her favourite colour will be.”

What if it wasn’t a girl? It still felt better using ‘her’ instead of ‘it’, like the life growing inside of her wasn’t human, was just some thing. If they had to change the term later then they would get used to it then. “Unless you mean the type you can tie in her hair.”

[farmboyhawk]

Clint chuckled.

"I guess we can start with that bow and evolve from there. But she can totally have a onesie with a bow on it, right?"

He was exaggerating a little, maybe, just a little. Then again, a baby needed clothes, right? It definitely couldn't hurt teaching little one the basics soon enough... He chuckled again at his own thoughts and turned his hand kiss Natasha's hand.

"I better let you do the shopping."

[study_in_scarlet]

There was a small crease between Natasha’s brows as she watched Clint, listening to his soft voice and carefree sounding chuckle. It was hard to believe that only a few days ago she had been worried that this whole situation would tear them apart, and now they were closer than ever, embarking on a journey together that she never thought she would face. The love she felt for this man right now with his silly thoughts and quiet chuckles, was near overwhelming.

“Nothing you pick out could be worse than what Stark is bound to shower us with when he finds out,” she replied with a soft laugh of her own. “Hopefully Pepper can restrain him.”

[farmboyhawk]

"He'll probably prepare a blue and a pink room in the tower just in case. Well, who knows. He can use the other one when Pepper and him start with the family plans."

Clint made a show of shivering with distaste but that grin never really left his lips. It was kind of fun imagining how they would sit in the tower together and talk over like... well, baby stuff. Clothes and stuff. It was so totally not like them and that somehow made it perfect. It would be their little part of a normal life, give them something else to do then be on the track of death constantly. It would force them eventually to make a decision they'd probably never have made without this until one of them would have fallen in battle... how to go on with their lives, with their jobs.

They would talk about it, about the next months, and definitely before they returned to New York, but right now imagining a little girl in a cute little onesie - including a little bow - on Natasha's arms was so much more fun.

[study_in_scarlet]

It was strange enough to think of them having a child, but to then imagine that child growing up with other children, children of their friends... it made it all seem so much more real.

"He will probably just combine them and go with purple," Natasha teased, running her fingers down to tickle the little hairs at the back of Clint's neck. Tony didn't strike her as wanting a family at the moment, but considering her own situation that didn't always factor in. Could be he would end up not far behind them.

"How much longer?" she asked out of the blue, taking a deep breath. "Until we tell people?"

More importantly, how much longer until they were out of the most dangerous stage? She wouldn't feel comfortable informing anyone before that, nor before another appointment with the doctor to ensure that everything was still normal. Which reminded her. "We should call the doctor today to cancel that... other appointment."

It made her blood run cold now, to think of how close she had come to terminating the pregnancy, a decision that would have been based on fear and lies.

[farmboyhawk]

"I'll give him a call in the afternoon", Clint promised quickly. "They start the day pretty late here. I'll take care of it."

And he would, of course, the sooner this thing was off the table, the better. The decision hadn't been easy for any of them, and things could still go wrong... But at least they wouldn't blame themselves for not trying. It was really a relief to make that call, and he would gladly do it for Natasha.

At that thought, that uncomfortable pressure in his stomach reminding him how close they had come to decide the opposite, he just had to sit up a little and press a short kiss to Natasha's belly. It felt a little stupid, now that he wasn't half asleep anymore, but he just couldn't not do it.

"Two or three weeks or something, then the most dangerous phase is over", he recalled what the doctor had said, at least what he remembered of that awful day. "Then we can start making plans and all."

He grimaced a little. Plans weren't his strongest talents. But this time there really was no choice.

[study_in_scarlet]

The way Clint answered so quickly made it clear that it wasn’t something he wanted to think about either. Natasha had been so sure it was the best option, the only option, until the doctor had cleared up some of the beliefs she had been living with. Now she couldn’t imagine going through with such a thing, didn’t want to imagine it, nor how it would have affected her and Clint’s relationship.

She couldn’t help but smile warmly at him when he kissed her still flat stomach just as he had in her dream. She was so grateful for him, so grateful that he was going through this with her.

“Two or three weeks sounds like an eternity,” she sighed. “I’m going to have to call Nick today or tomorrow,” she admitted, though the last thing she wanted to discuss right now was work. “I’m not going to tell him, not yet. But I was thinking... Angelina already knows, so we wouldn’t be telling her...” A technicality, but it was something.

[farmboyhawk]

"Well, she wanted to invite us for diner anyway. She'll be happy to help us out with every question we have."

Clint smiled up at her and rubbed his cheek against her belly a little, lightly enough to not disturb her if she was still feeling unwell.

"You make your call, I make mine, deal?"

He sighed a little and tried not to think about how this conversation would go. Fury wouldn't be happy that they weren't even thinking about going back to the States just yet. Clint would happily leave that discussion to Natasha.

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha was still scared to talk about it, still scared to make it all that much more real, but she couldn’t sequester herself for the next two weeks, and the last thing she wanted to do was to act rude to Angelina and make the woman feel snubbed after everything she had done for them. One dinner couldn’t hurt, and maybe it could even help.

“Deal,” Natasha replied, ruffling his hair so it stuck up in all directions. He looked rather adorable this morning with his hair mussed and that silly grin on his face as he nuzzled against her belly.

In truth, she wasn’t exactly looking forward to her conversation with Nick either, but she knew she could handle it better than Clint, and she had a plan. She wasn’t sure if Clint still wanted the file on his old mission in the area, but if she asked Fury for it then it would certainly buy them a little more time. If he knew they were delving into the past and working through those issue then he wouldn’t expect them back anytime soon. It should at least buy them the two or three weeks they needed to get out of the danger zone. Then they could discuss their new situation with him. “It’s too early yet, though,” she continued. The doctor wasn’t likely up yet, and with the time difference it was way too early to think about calling Fury. “So I guess we’ll just have to stay in bed a little longer.”

[farmboyhawk]

"I think we can handle that."

Clint dropped back onto the mattress, chuckling, and tried to get some order back into his hair but gave it up quickly. A long, decent shower or maybe a bath later was in order anyway. He wanted nothing more than snuggle with Natasha for a while now but if they were to hide in bed, he wanted to make it a little more comfortable.

"Give me a second, beautiful."

Pressing her hand shortly, he got up, still not bothering with clothes, to bring the bucket to the bathroom. He took just a second to wash it shortly before putting it back under the sink to wait for tomorrow.

With two bananas and a few slices of toast from the kitchen, in case Natasha wanted to get her system going after another episode of nausea, he came back and quickly got comfortable under the blankets again. He could probably just have put om some clothes, but he felt even too lazy for that right now.

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha’s grin widened at Clint’s failed attempt to fix his unruly hair, and she didn’t even want to think of the mess hers was probably in after last night. She was warm and comfortable and there was nobody here to see her but Clint, and while she still liked to look good for him, he had seen her at her very worst so it wasn’t like she had any front left to put up.

Slumping a little further against the pillows, without the tea to block it she could catch the faintest smell of the bucket near the bed, but before she could even say anything Clint was on his feet and spiriting it away to clean it up again for next time. Smiling after him she snuggled down under the covers again and curled up on her side facing the empty half of the bed. She should probably get up and brush her teeth, but the minty toothpaste didn’t sound appetizing right now. She would just have to try not to breath on him.

He was gone a little longer than expected, so when he returned with breakfast she wasn’t surprised, though she was grateful for his choices. Banana’s were more palatable than any overly sweet, sour or acidic fruit they had available, and her old standby of toast was appreciated. The view was also appreciated. While she enjoyed when he teased her and put on a show, it was seeing him like this, so comfortable in his own skin and not giving his nudity a second thought, that she found undeniably attractive. “Keep this up and I may never get out of bed,” she said, pulling a corner off of a piece of toast and nibbling it carefully.

[farmboyhawk]

"You can stay in as long as you want, you know."

Clint curled on his side again with the covers drawn up to his nose and watched her with a tender twinkle in his eyes. It was good to see that her stomach already recovered. He knew that there were women who couldn't eat properly throughout all their pregnancy, so she was glad, Natasha had to spend at leas the rest of the day fairly comfortable.

"Nothing much to do 'cept for these damn calls. We can just stay in and read and rest or something. I'll cook something for us if you like. I mean... We've been through some pretty busy shit since we arrived. We deserve some laziness. Load batteries and all that. And tomorrow we could go for that diner with the neighbor. We'll have to do a little shopping tomorrow anyway."

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha wasn’t sure she’d say her stomach had recovered, but the tea had helped and for now she didn’t feel like throwing up whatever remained of last night’s supper. It was still very carefully and slowly that she ate anything at all, though.

“It’s a shame we missed so many beach days,” she said, swallowing the bite of food and assessing how well her stomach was going to take it. So far, so good.

This morning felt much cooler than the last, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t warm up later, nor that there wouldn’t be a few more warm days to come. One day of hiding in the house couldn’t hurt, and Clint definitely made it sound tempting. They could probably both use a little extra rest “I suppose one day of complete and utter laziness couldn’t hurt...”

She could only see the top of his head from the nose up peeking out over the covers and she couldn’t help but smile at him.