Wherever You Will Go (for inevermiss)

[study_in_scarlet]

The mission was finally over and Natasha was home, a fact that left her with both relief and trepidation. For the past three weeks, besides the job at hand all she had thought about was Clint. Of course she worried; after his confession she couldn’t not worry, no matter how well he had seemed that last morning, but it wasn’t just that. Sometimes she wondered if they could really make it work, if they could have a real romantic relationship amidst their chaotic lives; sometimes she thought the entire thing was a mistake. Had they ruined their friendship? Could they ever be efficient partners again? Was it too late to go back? Could things ever be as they were between them again? Did she want them to be? Most nights she went to be determined that nothing would change, that it wasn’t worth the risk, but most mornings she awoke wishing he was there with his sleep mussed hair, his warm skin, and that content and happy smile.

Now that she was back she still wasn’t certain which side of her inner war had won; all she knew was that she had a promise to keep. Once her debriefing was concluded she went in search of her partner. It didn’t take long for her to find him, and while the counsellor’s office was not a place she liked to be, she knew Clint felt the same way. Perhaps a friendly face in the waiting room when he emerged from his session was just what the doctor ordered.

Grabbing a magazine, Natasha settled down in one of the chairs and crossed her legs, her eyes only briefly scanning each page as she flicked idly through, her eyes drawn to the clock then the door every ten seconds or so. Patience was always more Clint’s thing.

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[inevermiss]

Clint had spent his fair share of nights lying awake and thinking about the time that they had spent together, though he had considerably less questions about what it all meant. He knew what it had meant to him and he could only hope that it had meant the same to Natasha.

Since then he had kept his unspoken promise to keep fighting to get back to the man he had been. He had stopped taking unnecessary risks. Stopped chasing the release of an accidental death and had hunkered down to weather the storm.

That didn't mean that these psychiatric evaluations were any less painful or invasive. The questions the doc asked him were too obvious. To guilt centered and always made him go back to all of the pain and suffering that he had caused.

Today's session had been particularly brutal, but he'd managed to get out of it in one piece, and he hoped had managed to bluff enough to get a satisfactory stamp of approval.

As he walked out, his eye caught a flash of red and a smile dawned on his face, touching his weary looking eyes.

"You found me."

[study_in_scarlet]

It seemed like hours that she sat in the reception area, waiting for him, when in reality it was only fourteen minutes.

Well, fourteen minutes and twenty three seconds, but who was counting?

Finally she heard footsteps approaching the door, and the handle turning before the door opened to admit Clint into the room. The way his face lit up upon seeing her made her feel warm from the inside out. Closing the magazine she set it aside and uncrossed her legs, getting smoothly to her feet.

“You doubted that I would?” she replied, raising one eyebrow at him.

[inevermiss]

"Not really. No." He gave her an easy grin. If he had wanted to make it difficult for her he could've, but that had never been part of the plan. His eyes locked with hers and held them for a moment. There were so many things he wanted to do right then. To reach out and touch her. To draw her in for a kiss, but it wasn't appropriate here.

Even if he thought Doctor Samson would have a field day with that on their next session. He glanced around the waiting room. There weren't many people there, but still too many to risk a genuine sign of affection. He nodded towards the door, moving towards it to hold it open for her.

"Did you just get back?"

[study_in_scarlet]

When their eyes locked Natasha felt a current run through her that was definitely new. She could read it in his eyes that he was unsure of how to handle this, and that what he wanted to do he couldn’t exactly act on right here, and she was a little surprised to note that she felt the same. She was not the most affectionate person by a long shot, but the urge to just wrap her arms around him and hold him close for a moment was almost overwhelming. She had known that he was okay, but had needed to see him with her own eyes, wanted to touch to assure herself he was fine.

“Yes. I came right here after my debriefing,” she admitted, passing by him and through the door. “I had a promise to keep, though I must admit that I am glad you were in the building.”

Would she have tracked him down on assignment had he been out on one? Possibly, if there was no risk of compromising his position. "You look well."

[inevermiss]

"Yeah, shrink day." His enthusiasm for it is evident in the way the statement falls completely flat. If it wasn't a requirement, he wouldn't even step foot on the floor that Dr. Samson's office is located on. However, SHIELD understandably wanted to take a few precautions to ensure that Loki wasn't hanging around. Or that Clint wasn't about to be driven postal from guilt about the things he'd done. Which, would be kind of a redundant reaction but whatever. It was clear no one was interested in hearing what he thought he needed.

But considering that a couple of days ago that was a bullet to the brain, maybe that's a good thing.

He shoots her an amused look as they move down the hallway, passing agents moving along. He lowers his voice.

"Nowhere near as good as you do."

[study_in_scarlet]

She knew he hated this, and she couldn’t blame him. She had done her fair share of psychiatric tests and discussions when Clint had first brought her in, but unlike him she had been trained to withstand all types of torture, as well as how to read people and tell them exactly what they expected to hear and make it believable. She had lied her way through most of the exams, but she had known that the truth was not something that any of them were prepared to accept.

Clint was different. He was softer, and he had a much stronger moral code than Natasha. It wasn’t that she didn’t feel guilt for the things she had done, but she was able to leave them in her past where they belonged and move on. She didn’t dwell on them, didn’t cry for those she had killed, because none of that would make any difference. All she could do now was try to atone for her sins. Clint, however, didn’t see it that way. He let the guilt and the fear eat at him, and he took it all to heart. None of it had been his fault, he hadn’t been in control of his actions, but he still blamed himself for all of it, no matter what anyone tried to tell him. It was the kind of thing people like Dr. Samson ate right up. The doctor wasn’t a bad guy, but Natasha would never warm to him because of his profession.

Walking along beside Clint, one corner of her mouth curved up at his words and she shot him a quick look. “I don’t know about that. Anyone who doesn’t slick back their hair with a pound of grease and sport a terrible mustache is a sight for sore eyes to me right now.”

[inevermiss]

This earned a chuckle that turned into a laugh.

"You know, I almost wish I had been there to see their faces." His mouth dropped, his voice barely a whisper as he he launched into a halfway decent Marlo Brandon impression. "I guess you made them an offer they couldn't refuse."

He grinned and shook his head. "Are you hungry? I've got a sudden craving for Italian."

It was easy to switch gears when she was here. Maybe it was because he immediately felt lighter by just having her there. Or maybe it was because after the last hour the last thing he wanted to do was be serious, though he knew there were serious things that needed to be discussed. Things that should be discussed without the threat of death or compromise hanging over their heads.

[study_in_scarlet]

It was so good to hear him laugh again that Natasha felt any lingering tension fade. He was alive and uninjured and alright, and he didn’t seem to have gone downhill at all while she was gone. The relief she felt was tremendous, and when he started hamming it up with impressions she laughed easily. This was the Clint she remembered.

“Famished,” she replied to the question of dinner. She was a little surprised how easy this was, how they fell right back into routine. She had been afraid that their one night together would change everything, somehow make it awkward, but while there might have been different elements lingering below the surface she didn’t feel pressed to talk about it and clear it up. Maybe it could just be that easy.

[inevermiss]

"Good," he said with a small nod. The truth was he was itching to get outside and away from the prying eyes of curious agents. Not that anyone had really paid attention to them. Well, no more than they usually did. They both had reputations now, reputations that were usually the first to reach the ears of new recruits.

He turned their footsteps towards the helicopter pool. Officially, they weren't sanctioned to take out one of them, but that had never stopped Clint before. He'd had enough of the helicarrier for one day and if he was honest with himself, he wanted to be alone with Natasha.

"Did you bring me back some cannoli?"

[study_in_scarlet]

When Clint turned toward the deck Natasha threw him a quick look but didn’t protest. She probably shouldn’t leave the helicarrier so soon in case there were followup questions about her mission, but, well, if there were they would have to wait. Clint didn’t seem to keen on sticking around, and if Natasha were to be honest with herself then she would admit that she was looking forward to having him all to herself for a while.

“Sadly I didn’t think it would survive the trip back,” she said. “We will just have to make do with the knock off stuff they have here.”

She couldn’t help herself from sneaking a few secret glances at him as they walked. She would be lying if she said she hadn’t been worried about him while she was gone, but it was a bigger relief than she had imagined seeing him looking so well.

[inevermiss]

"I'll take it," he said, hitting the button that opened the doors to the main deck. He quickly took in the position of the maintenance crew and the pilots.

He moved closer to Natasha, his shoulder brushing hers. "Our best bet is probably Fury's, the downside being that it's Fury's."

Still, there was an undeniable look of mischief in his eye when he glanced at her to see what she thought.

[study_in_scarlet]

Of all the aircrafts on the helicarrier he could have chosen, Natasha shouldn’t have been surprised when Clint suggested Fury’s own. 

“You’re just asking for another reprimand, aren’t you?” she replied, though there was a glimmer in her eyes that matched his own.  Fury would not like this one bit, but she had the feeling that whatever punishment he came up with, this would still be worth it.  “You’re lucky I didn’t tell him about your little visit.”

It was a joke for sure, but there was also a little more behind it.  She was testing the waters to see how he reacted to the mention of that night so she could better gauge whether to seriously broach the subject later or not.  In all honesty she wasn’t sure that she wanted to talk about it, but she also wasn’t certain it could be avoided for long.

[inevermiss]

"You only get reprimanded if you get caught," Clint noted as he shifted direction and made straight for the aircraft. He didn't miss her comment, but he didn't react immediately to it. Still, it was good to know that he wasn't the only one who hadn't stopped thinking about it. He wanted it to mean so much. Knew that it had meant so much.

To him. Still, he couldn't and wouldn't assume that Nat felt the same way, and he didn't want to ask anywhere near the helicarrier where they may be interrupted or assigned at any moment.

He stepped out of sight of the crew, tapping in the code for the door before stepping back to let it be lowered. "Ladies first."

[study_in_scarlet]

“And you don’t think someone on the flight deck with report an unauthorized flight the second we take off?” she said, though if anyone was unlikely to be questioned it was Fury. Maybe this plan was more genius than she had thought. A regular jet taking off without orders would be noticed, but if Fury left it might just be assumed he had somewhere to be and didn’t bother to inform anyone.

Natasha moved like she owned the place, like she had every right to be there and nobody should question it, and so far nobody did if they even took notice at all. Once they were out of view she moved a little more stealthily, though, and more quickly.

Climbing into the cockpit, she buckled herself into the copilot’s chair and waited for Clint to get them off the ground, so to speak.

[inevermiss]

"You think anyone wants to tell Fury his helicopter took off without him?"

Clint slid into the pilot's chair and started preparing for take off. If anyone did question them at the last minute all they'd have to say was they were on business for Fury. Unless of course it was Fury himself, but Clint figured he'd been in worse shit with the Director before. If he didn't pull a stunt like this every couple of months the big guy might assign him even more psych evals.

He got the helicopter off and moved them in the direction or New York. The roar of the blades was dulled in the cockpit and the radio stayed silent as they moved.

"For the record, I'm glad you didn't tell him about my visit. But for reasons that don't have anything to do with Fury."

[study_in_scarlet]

Glancing over at Clint when he joined her in the cockpit, one side of her mouth turned up in a slight smirk. “I know I wouldn’t,” she said. Maybe he was right, maybe the flight crew would be so worried about the consequences if they told Fury they let someone steal his helicopter that they wouldn’t say a word.

They managed to take off without any trouble or question, and Natasha let out a brief chuckle and shook her head as she settled back in the seat, letting Clint take full control. There was nobody else in her life that she trusted as completely as him, and that included his piloting skills.

When he broke the comfortable silence she looked at him again, searching for the meaning behind his words. There were so many possible reasons he could have, and she couldn’t quite settle on which one he was referring to. “What reasons?” Sometimes it was best to just ask, even if there was a hint of trepidation in her voice as she did so.

[inevermiss]

He glances over at her, but his eyes don't stay away from h is piloting or long. He takes a deep breath and lets the silence continue for a moment as he gathers up his thoughts.

"If you have to ask, I must not be doing a very good job at showing them," he says after a long moment. He flashes a soft smile to make sure that she knows he's half teasing. Still, it's hard to know if he's doing the right thing. The last thing he wants to do is give Natasha a reason to distance herself.

"I guess it's because that night was about the two of us. For a couple of hours, I actually forgot the rest of the world existed and I was okay with that."

[study_in_scarlet]

For a moment she wondered if she’d said the wrong thing. Perhaps she was supposed to just know without asking, but this was all pretty new to her and definitely territory they hadn’t crossed into before. He was important to her, the most important person in her life, so she had to be certain. She couldn’t risk assuming anything right now.

She’s grateful for the smile as he had her worried for a second, though she can see that he’s not entirely teasing. This isn’t just about her, she’s not the only one this affects, and clearly not the only one questioning how best to deal with all of it. Just as she’s trying to tread carefully, she can see in that moment that so is he.

Looking out the window she contemplated his words, trying to decide how to respond. She understood completely, and at the time she had felt the same way, but the morning light changes things, and now that they were both back home, what did it mean going forward?

“I enjoyed it too,” she admitted, going for the cautious answer. She didn’t say say that those few hours had been a blessing, that she had felt like herself for the first time in months when she was with him. She didn’t say that the next morning she hadn’t wanted him to leave, that she had wanted to stay in that little bubble where nothing else mattered. She didn’t say any of that, but maybe she should have.

[inevermiss]

It wasn't much, but it was enough to tell him that he wasn't the only one that had thought twice about that night. Still, he was careful not to look over at her to study her face the way he wanted to. Part of him was afraid that he wouldn't be able to read it. Tasha's poker face was impenetrable when she wanted it to be and this was one thing he didn't want it to be impenetrable about.

"I'm glad I wasn't the only one," he said, as he busied himself with the helicopter system. He checked the frequencies to see if it'd be reported missing yet. So far, so good.

"So I figure we've got about an hour before Fury's threatening an assignment in Antarctica. Where do you want to go?"

[study_in_scarlet]

She knew it wasn’t what he wanted to hear, knew that she was being too closed, too cautious, but she didn’t know how to really open up about this. How could she tell him how she felt about it when she didn’t know herself? But for now she just told herself that it was because they were flying, that the conversation would come easier when they were on the ground and no longer distracted.

She had always been good at lying, even to herself.

“Fast food and somewhere quiet?” she suggested. She didn’t want to sit in a restaurant, or anywhere where there would be crowds of people. She wanted him to herself, even if that meant that the talk was inevitable. Better to do so alone than with other people around to make them put on masks and act out a show.

[inevermiss]

"Sounds good to me," he said, giving her a quick grin as he directed the helicopter towards the city. He concentrated on the controls and picking out a suitable helicopter pad before saying more. He needed a moment to try to prepare himself for whatever was coming next. Whatever it was, it would be enough to keep him from crashing her next assignment. She had kept him going when he had little of himself left to go on.

He landed downtown, knowing there would be plenty of restaurants with take out within walking distance. He shut off the helicopter and unbuckled the seat belt.

"Thank you for flying Fury Air. Your dinner awaits."

[study_in_scarlet]

As always Clint seemed to understand; she wasn’t ignoring what they had shared, she just didn’t want to start the conversation until they would have time to finish it. Part of her didn’t want to start the conversation at all, true, but she knew they had to talk. Clint was her best friend, the most important person in her life, and she would not allow this to come between them because she was a coward.

“We should probably pick up some donuts on the way back. If Fury is aware of this joyride we can use them as a peace offering,” she said after disembarking the helicopter. “What do you think: burger and fries or an old fashioned vendor hot dog?”

[inevermiss]

Clint gave a small snort at the idea that Fury would forgive them if they brought back a couple of bear claws. If he found out, which he probably already had, it would most likely be used in order to push them towards their next missions. Missions which Clint had a sinking feeling would once again separate them for a long length of time.

Which was why it was important to make the most of the time they had together.

"Man, you are a cheap date," he said, giving her a small grin. "Come on, I can do better than that."

He moved to the roof access door and held it open for her. "Besides, might be the last decent meal we get for a while."

[study_in_scarlet]

Date. Natasha tried not to take the word seriously. She wasn’t really the type to ‘date’. She had had various hookups over the years, maybe a dinner or two, but she had never really considered it dating. Of course none of those men had been Clint either.

Assuring herself he was just joking, she gave him a playfully skeptical look before passing through the door he held for her.

“So I get home in time for one good meal and then it’s soldier’s rations in some desert location for the next few weeks?” she said, brushing her hair back over her shoulder and looking over at him. She doubted Fury would be so cruel. If Clint was still attending psychiatric appointments then he hadn’t been completely cleared yet. That should buy them some leeway on the punishment.