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The first few nights were the worst; that initial moment of panic when she awoke alone before remembering where she was and that Clint was thousands of miles away, the emptiness she felt not just in the bed but in her heart when he wasn’t near. Eventually that faded but with each passing day Natasha grew more worried about how he was holding up. How was he coping with the nightmares without her to sooth them away? Was he working himself too hard as a distraction?
More than any of that, though, was that unshakeable expectation that her phone would one day ring and she would be called back with those three words that made her blood run cold and still haunted her dreams.
Barton’s been compromised.
She couldn’t shake the fear, but worse than that was the realisation that the phone call never would come, even if something did happen to him. With Coulson gone, who else would know to call her? Who else knew how important Clint was to her? Sure, many people had their suspicions, but none of them knew for certain because she had never allowed it. She had been so insistent that they keep their relationship secret, and with each passing day it became harder and harder to remember why. Over the years he had become a very important part of her life, the best thing in her life, so why was it so hard to give herself over so completely? What was she so afraid of?
His last words to her ran through her mind constantly, the clear desperation in his voice making it clear that it was something he had been holding back for a long time. He loved her, and he didn’t say it expecting to hear it back, nor did he say it in some last ditch effort to get her to stay, or to stall her for a few more minutes. He said it because he felt it, because he meant it, and because he needed her to know how he felt. There was no manipulation behind the words, only truth.
And she had said nothing in return.
She could argue all she wanted with herself that there hadn’t been time, that the doors had closed and cut off any reply, but ultimately it was a lie. She could have stopped the lift, she could have gone back up or even called him. She could have been a few minutes late getting to the base, but she had just walked away like she always did. Now she couldn’t stop thinking about it, couldn’t stop regretting it.
“...if something did happen and I didn’t say it I’d never forgive myself.” Those were the words that haunted her the most. She knew how he felt, now without question, but she kept her own feelings so guarded, kept them even from herself, that there was no way he could know. What if something happened to him while she was gone? Or to her? She had a lot of time to analyze her own feelings during this mission, but what if she never got to tell him? What if he never knew?
All these thoughts plagued her every waking hour so Natasha threw herself into the mission more than ever. She took more risks, pushed harder than normal. It was dangerous and she very well could have blown the entire mission, but it seemed that luck was on her side. The job was expected to take at least four months.
She finished in three and a half.
Every second felt like a full minute as she sat through her debriefing. Director Fury praised her speed even as he showed disapproval for her recklessness, but in the end it was a mission accomplished and a job well done.
Walking out of his office, Natasha made a beeline for the weapons range. She had asked Agent Hill about Barton’s status, her heart pounding in her chest, and had been beyond relieved to hear that he was currently on base, safe and sound. She could have called him the second the mission was over, but having finished so early she had hoped to surprise him. Of course it also played a factor that if she had called him and received no answer she wouldn’t have known how to handle that.
Stopping just outside the archery range, she took a deep breath. He wouldn’t be expecting her, and while she hadn’t done anything so drastic as shave her head or go blonde, she did look a little different. She hadn’t cut her hair since before their last conversation, and while it hadn’t grown that much in their time apart she had taken the time to straighten out the curls which gave the illusion of extra length. He would probably look just the same, she hoped he would, and after a moment’s pause she pushed the door open and walked in.
More than any of that, though, was that unshakeable expectation that her phone would one day ring and she would be called back with those three words that made her blood run cold and still haunted her dreams.
Barton’s been compromised.
She couldn’t shake the fear, but worse than that was the realisation that the phone call never would come, even if something did happen to him. With Coulson gone, who else would know to call her? Who else knew how important Clint was to her? Sure, many people had their suspicions, but none of them knew for certain because she had never allowed it. She had been so insistent that they keep their relationship secret, and with each passing day it became harder and harder to remember why. Over the years he had become a very important part of her life, the best thing in her life, so why was it so hard to give herself over so completely? What was she so afraid of?
His last words to her ran through her mind constantly, the clear desperation in his voice making it clear that it was something he had been holding back for a long time. He loved her, and he didn’t say it expecting to hear it back, nor did he say it in some last ditch effort to get her to stay, or to stall her for a few more minutes. He said it because he felt it, because he meant it, and because he needed her to know how he felt. There was no manipulation behind the words, only truth.
And she had said nothing in return.
She could argue all she wanted with herself that there hadn’t been time, that the doors had closed and cut off any reply, but ultimately it was a lie. She could have stopped the lift, she could have gone back up or even called him. She could have been a few minutes late getting to the base, but she had just walked away like she always did. Now she couldn’t stop thinking about it, couldn’t stop regretting it.
“...if something did happen and I didn’t say it I’d never forgive myself.” Those were the words that haunted her the most. She knew how he felt, now without question, but she kept her own feelings so guarded, kept them even from herself, that there was no way he could know. What if something happened to him while she was gone? Or to her? She had a lot of time to analyze her own feelings during this mission, but what if she never got to tell him? What if he never knew?
All these thoughts plagued her every waking hour so Natasha threw herself into the mission more than ever. She took more risks, pushed harder than normal. It was dangerous and she very well could have blown the entire mission, but it seemed that luck was on her side. The job was expected to take at least four months.
She finished in three and a half.
Every second felt like a full minute as she sat through her debriefing. Director Fury praised her speed even as he showed disapproval for her recklessness, but in the end it was a mission accomplished and a job well done.
Walking out of his office, Natasha made a beeline for the weapons range. She had asked Agent Hill about Barton’s status, her heart pounding in her chest, and had been beyond relieved to hear that he was currently on base, safe and sound. She could have called him the second the mission was over, but having finished so early she had hoped to surprise him. Of course it also played a factor that if she had called him and received no answer she wouldn’t have known how to handle that.
Stopping just outside the archery range, she took a deep breath. He wouldn’t be expecting her, and while she hadn’t done anything so drastic as shave her head or go blonde, she did look a little different. She hadn’t cut her hair since before their last conversation, and while it hadn’t grown that much in their time apart she had taken the time to straighten out the curls which gave the illusion of extra length. He would probably look just the same, she hoped he would, and after a moment’s pause she pushed the door open and walked in.
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Date: 2013-02-14 12:24 am (UTC)From:He let her shift him however she wanted, moved his legs so she could slide one between his. One hand reached under the cover to rest on the leg hooked over his hip. Clint held her close, free hand trailing fingers softly through her hair, untangling small knots here and there as he went. "You're telling me.. this has probably been my favourite day." He smiled although she couldn't see, smiled because he was happy. There'd be misery, there'd be arguments, but the fact that she'd confessed what her heart said was enough to see him through whatever lay ahead.
"Y'know, I thought you were gonna tell me to get lost. I expected the worst but this, this is perfect Tasha. I know this is a big gamble, but we'll get through anything and everything together." Thick as thieves.
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Date: 2013-02-14 05:08 pm (UTC)From:As comfortable as she was, though, she couldn’t help but wonder… what now? Did they just continue on as they always had? Did they go seek out the others and tell them? She wasn’t big on public displays of affection, she felt there were some things better kept to themselves, some things she didn’t want to share, but at the same time she wanted to give him more. Maybe it was best to not plan anything and just let it happen naturally.
Pulling back enough that she could look at him, Natasha’s brow pinched together slightly. She wanted to ask why he would think that, but she probably didn’t want to hear the answer. She had been so closed off, so insistent they keep their relationship a secret, and had always changed the subject when he tried to talk about anything deeper than the surface. It was understandable that he would think she’d run, but didn’t he realise she was lost without him? One hundred and seven days; that was how long she had had to contemplate his declaration and decide what she wanted to do about it, and in all honesty the time away was probably a good thing. Had she had to answer him right away things might have gone very differently, and his fears might have been realised. As it was she had one hundred and seven days to miss him, to think about him and what he meant to her; she had the space and the time to analyse her own feelings and decided what to do about them. The mission had really been a blessing in disguise, even if she might never admit that aloud.
“Good thing I like to gamble,” she said, moving her hand up to brush over his cheek and along his jaw. “I didn’t finish the mission early because it was easy,” she admitted, but didn’t elaborate, instead relying on him to fill in the blanks.
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Date: 2013-02-14 09:44 pm (UTC)From:If it wasn't for her he'd be dead, or still doing Loki's bidding, but probably dead. He'd never been so happy to admit that Natasha was just better at hand to hand than he was.
Her words made his own features curve into a frown, her silently admitting that she'd put herself at risk just to get the job done. That's what he took from that statement anyway, and he'd believe it.
"No more.." He nodded, leaning in to kiss her softly, hand trailing fingers along her leg slowly. "No more risks unless I'm watching your back.."
The same also went for him, not that Clint took risks, he stuck to the dark of the shadows and watched.
"Now that I've got you I don't want to lose you.."
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Date: 2013-02-14 10:42 pm (UTC)From:“I just wanted to get back to you,” she said against his lips when he pulled back from the kiss, her eyes still closed. Shivering slightly under his touch, her own fingers trailed up into his hair, threading the short strands between them. “You won’t lose me,” she said, and she felt as sure of that answer as could possibly be, maybe even a little more than she should be.
Finally opening her eyes again, his own blue ones were so close she could have fallen into them. “I can’t guarantee Fury won’t still send me on some solo missions,” she explained. “But no more deep cover, that much I swear.” She was one of SHIELD’s best agents; they would not defy her wishes completely. She could just as easily leave them high and dry.
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Date: 2013-02-17 02:10 am (UTC)From:His smile widened at her words, "I'm glad you're back early." He mumbled, softly against her lips. He was, without her he'd fall apart. Sure he'd coped, but only because he threw himself into anything and everything to take his mind off her, to forget that she'd ignored his admittance, to forget she'd just left him high and dry with no way of knowing how she'd reacted. "Good, don't know what I'd do without you.."
He didn't care about the solo missions as much, it happened. They both had different skill sets no matter how much they tried to stick together they each could do things the other couldn't. It was the deep cover, the lack of communication, the lack of seeing each other, hearing each other. That's what got him the most. "I'll take that deal.."
Then again, it was already obvious Clint would take any deal so long as he still got to have her like this. He moved quickly to pull away from her, although that took it's toll as he already missed the scent of her skin. But still, he had to remove this greasy pizza box from his lap. He sat up, bundling the towel up and dumping them both on the floor before returning quickly to her, hands pulling her softly ontop of his body. "Does this mean I can start calling you those cutesy pet names?"
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Date: 2013-02-17 01:35 pm (UTC)From:The solo missions would be good for them every once in a while. They couldn’t come to completely rely on one another; if they did that, that was the moment they would have to dissolve their partnership. They could never let their feelings cloud their judgement nor distract them from the mission. They had to still be able to work on their own or with others. As long as they could still be in contact then that was easy to accomplish.
Whining in protest when he suddenly pulled away, Natasha mourned the loss of his body heat immediately, but he was only gone for a few seconds to unceremoniously drop the box of pizza on the floor before returning to her arms. He also wasted no time in pulling her up to lay on top of him, an action she almost laughed at. This position was how they had spent the majority of their last night in bed together, and she suspected that this was actually his favourite, having her draped over him like a human blanket.
“No,” she answered, feigning sternness. “But you can start showing me just how much you missed me, unless you had other plans for the afternoon and wanted to save it all up for tonight.” Grinding her hips against his just slightly, she raised an eyebrow in question.
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Date: 2013-02-19 12:21 am (UTC)From:This was his favourite. She was warm, he got to hold her close and smooth hands over every curve and ridge of her ribs, hook his hands around her hips and hold onto her as if she was his life buoy. Which she was.
Clint smiled up at her, hands indeed returning to her sides, letting her hips moved under his fingers which were straining to grip her and hold her right over the growing problem in his pants.
"I have no plans, none at all. You're my plan." He pushed back a groan at the contact because jesus, it had been too long. Wrapping one hand behind her neck, stroking fingers through her hair, feeling it slip through his fingers like silk. She was truely beautiful, from her vivid hair all the way down to her delicate toes, toes he'd seen crush a mans wind pipe. "I cna show you how much I missed you, and how much I love you." He tried it out, tested the careless on his tongue and it felt far too good to keep to himself, hence why he pulled her down softly until lips met hers and yeah, he was a goner, with hips arching up into hers and hands tangling into her hair.
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Date: 2013-02-19 01:00 am (UTC)From:Not all change had to be bad.
“I like this plan,” Natasha replied as he ran his fingers gently through her hair. Of course he couldn’t let it go with just missing her; he had to tell her he loved her again, and while it made her heart beat faster and her stomach tighten she didn’t say it back this time. It had taken a lot for her to admit it once, and they simply weren’t words she would be so liberal with, even if they were true. Fortunately he didn’t said long for a response, pulling her down into a kiss instead, so instead she poured those feelings into the kiss; she was much better at show than tell. Pressing her hips into his again as he met her halfway, she slipped a hand down between them to slip under his shirt, her fingers sliding along his well defined muscles.
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Date: 2013-02-20 12:50 am (UTC)From:He'd latched onto that word as if she wouldn't believe him. He knew she did, she'd had too long to dwell on it and Clint knows Natasha did dwell on it.
The kiss is everything he wanted. She doesn't need to say it over and over like a mantra, the fact she'd said it once was enough to mend all the hurt in his heart that one word had caused so long ago.
He rolls them over, lips meeting her neck, nuzzling himself into her skin and taking in her familiar smell. He's missed it. Things hadn't been the same without her wandering around like the ghost she is, noticable only by the smell of her shampoo or her soaps.
He reaches to pull his shirt off, defined muscles a littlemore prominant than before she left from the weights he'd forced himself to push, from the running and the climbing and the strain of forcing her out of his mind. "Plans are good, we like plans. I like your plans, you like some of mine. Win win." His words are hurried as if this is the last night they'd spend together again.
Really he's just pushing away that tiny fear that in the morning when she'd spent a full night in her own bed she would push him away and tell him she'd made a mistake.
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Date: 2013-02-20 09:17 pm (UTC)From:Helping to remove his shirt, she let her eyes travel over him, her fingers quickly following suit. “You were busy,” she said appreciatively. She knew his body almost as well as she knew her own so the changes were very obvious to Natasha, no matter how long it had been since she’d seen him last.
His hurried words earned a laugh and she caught his face between her hands and brought his lips back to hers in a slow, lingering kiss to try to settle him. “Mmm, win win,” she agreed, still holding him close so when she licked her lips her tongue brushed along his as well.
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Date: 2013-03-02 02:03 am (UTC)From:Her hands on his face slowed him, brought him back down to earth and the feeling in his gut returned. It had been too long with so many unspoken words and the reality came crashing over him in waves so he kissed her back, moved to bury his face into her hair and take her in. She was here, solid, warm and pliant and she loved him.
He felt like his world was partially complete considering before she left it felt like it had broken apart into a million tiny pieces.
His hand brushed her hair away from her neck, working lips along her skin, sucking and crowding her skin into his mouth to leave a tiny dark red mark just below her ear, soothing it with his tongue. "I've missed this so much" Words were whispered as if it was some kind of secret and in reality it was, rocking hips into hers softly while he started his descent in relearning the column of her throat, nipping at her collarbones as he found them and licking the dip between them slowly.
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Date: 2013-03-02 02:47 am (UTC)From:She felt him relax against her, the frantic edge fading, and she slid both of her hands around his back, dragging her nails lightly over his skin as he worked on her neck. Her lashes fluttered as his mouth moved down her throat, her own hips rolling up to meet his. God, she had missed this too, had missed him. He made her feel like the most important and beautiful woman in the world, someone to be worshipped, and he did just that with his lips and his tongue and his teeth. “It has been far too long,” she said back just as quietly, her back arching as she leaned her head back to give him better access.
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Date: 2013-03-02 03:11 am (UTC)From:He couldn't stop the groan that left his lips at the bite of her nails into his skin, until he pulled back slowly to steady himself up onto his knees, one hand reaching to clasp behind her neck to pull her up to meet him while he worked her shirt off quickly and took a moment to stare at her, eyes raising back up to meet hers with a coy smile on his face. "Yeah, I really, really missed this." It was like looking at a fine art print, so much so see that you could spend all day just staring.
He removed his hand from her neck, trailed fingers down her body, over her breasts until palms covered her and his lips found hers again and he thought he could die with how blissfully happy he felt, at how this woman made him feel.
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Date: 2013-03-02 01:02 pm (UTC)From:The groaning only made her dig her nails in a little harder, filing away that reaction for later. He was always so patient, methodical and precise in the field, and she loved that she could make him lose control in any way, even if it was merely an involuntary noise.
Letting him pull her up to sit, she raised her arms over her head so he could easily remove her shirt. Placing her hands on the mattress behind her she leaned her weight back on them, not the least bit shy or embarrassed as his eyes traveled over her naked flesh. “Are you sure you didn’t just really, really miss these?” Natasha asked playfully, shimmying to make her breasts bounce.
She didn’t move as he almost reverently trailed his hands down her body, just watched the storm of desire in his eyes. She loved the feel of his calloused hands on her skin, somehow both rough and gentle at once, and only when he captured her lips again with his did she shift her weight to one arm and allow herself to touch him again, fingers teasing the soft hairs at the nape of his neck.
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Date: 2013-03-02 03:31 pm (UTC)From:His eyebrow perked as she moved and he watched, almost mesmerized, hell if it was appropriate to drool he would but that movement gave him the opposite effect considering his mouth had gone completely dry.
"Oh wait, I missed those. Can we just agree that I missed every inch of you, from every strand of your hair to the tips of your toes?" But yeah no, he really did miss her assets, and he made that very apparent after breaking the kiss and leaning down to well, show her assets just how much he'd missed them.
And boy had he missed them.
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Date: 2013-03-02 04:53 pm (UTC)From:She had missed everything about him: his smile, his voice, the way he made her feel. She missed sleeping on top of him like a blanket, his breathing and heartbeat lulling her better than any man made concoction could. She missed his inane commentary during movies, his cooking and how gentle he was when he washed her hair. She missed the comfort of his voice in her ear on missions, knowing he had her back even if she couldn’t see him. She missed watching him shoot, his perfect stance and the way all his muscles grew taut as he drew back the arrow with that fucking sexy archery glove. She missed his stupid jokes, his obvious adoration, and his unshakeable faith in her.
She missed everything that made Clint Barton who he was, but what she said was “I missed every inch of you too,” as she slid her hand down cup the front of his trousers.
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Date: 2013-03-06 11:09 pm (UTC)From:Although the powers that be would mean he'd have to bow down in front of Fury and well, Clint was still pissed at him for this deep cover shit in the first place.
He lifted up, looking down between them to where her hand sat and raised eyes up to her. "Is my reacquaintance with my favourite pair of breasts in the world boring you?" He was joking, of course he was joking, evident with that stupid grin that played on his lips, even if he cocked his hips into her hand and let her feel just what she did to him. As if she wasn't already fully aware.
Oh well, just in case she'd forgotten.
"What you want Tasha?"
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Date: 2013-03-07 12:10 am (UTC)From:Of course she didn’t mean it seriously... mostly. Even though she had felt a twinge of jealousy back at the base when she had seen him with that blonde agent she knew he would never cheat on her, although things had been rather strained between them. Could she really blame him if he had after she had walked away from his confession? Well, of course she could. It might have been understandable that he could want to end things thinking she didn’t feel the same about him, but they hadn’t ended things and... now she was just thinking too much. Besides, he had asked her a rather important question that had only one simple answer.
“You,” she replied. Moving her weight off her hand she wrapped it around the back of his head and pulled his lips down to meet hers again. Part of her wanted to skip all the foreplay and just get down to it, months of tension begging to be released, but there was another part that wanted to prolong it, to let him do whatever he wanted to her and see how long he could hold out.
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Date: 2013-03-07 12:42 am (UTC)From:"Two months in and I tried. Ended up at this dive, just kept driving until I found it. Got cold feet after one drink before anything even happened and left when she went to the bathroom. Just kept thinking about this red head I know who I couldn't get out my head." He's honest, completely honest with her because he wouldn't hold back any secrets.
"Thought it might help, it didn't. I came back here bored, angry and upset but still loving you. Couldn't replace you, didn't want to. Even if you came back and told me you didn't love me... I still couldn't have kept away."
He's glad she's kissing him, because he's an idiot and she's perfect and amazing and if he'd have gave in at that dive of a bar where the whiskey was watered down he would never have forgiven himself.
He presses into her, hands reaching everywhere all at once, but he slows it. He's not terribly keen on the idea of prolonging his own agony, he'd rather save the exploration for later but he still traces fingers down her stomach and slips them into her bottoms. It's apparent she's ready so maybe foreplay isn't what either of them need right now.
He still breaks the kiss, sucks her bottom lip into his mouth and grazes teeth along it. "Do you want me go down on you Tasha? Or do you just want to feel me? Because this is all for you, whatever you want me to do.."
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Date: 2013-03-07 01:12 am (UTC)From:Above everything else, though, she appreciated his honesty. Natasha’s entire life had been filled with lies and she had come to believe that she hadn’t met an honest man in her life until she had met Clint. She wished she could be so forthcoming but while she wasn’t always completely honest, she didn’t lie to him either. She was working on it at the very least, it would just take more time.
She didn’t know what to say to his confession so she said nothing and just kissed him harder, deeper, her arms wrapping around him to hold him tighter. Her stomach muscles tightened as his fingers passed over her skin and dipped lower, sliding under the waistband of her shorts and gauging her readiness.
Any idea she had of drawing this out was shot down by his words, his absolute surrender to her and willingness to do whatever she wanted, not to mention what he was doing with her lip. Again the answer was simple: she just wanted him. Sliding her hands down his back she started pushing at his trousers, pushing them down over his hips. “I want all of you. Now.”
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Date: 2013-06-15 01:46 am (UTC)From:It didn't matter that she kept secrets, a lot of those were from a time before them, he could forgive her for not telling him details of her past because he wasn't sure how he'd take it, whether it would internally make him angry and force him to do something ridiculous like pull up files or if he'd just end up mollycoddling her more.
The kiss sent a shudder rolling down his spine, groaning into her mouth, vibrating against her tongue but it broke quickly in a flurry of movement with her trying to rid him of his pants. "Greedy and impatient..." He wasn't really berating her, in fact he wasn't even fussed that she was impatient, instead he simply moved off of her to rid himself of his pants and boxers, kicking them off and throwing them away, a hand slipping down to palm himself slowly. "Take your shorts off.."
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Date: 2013-06-15 02:06 pm (UTC)From:Her eyes traveled down over his body, more defined and sculpted than she remembered, before lingering on his hand as he touched himself. Tearing her gaze away when he spoke, his words more an order than a request, she met his gaze, a smirk curling up one corner of her lips. Pressing her heels and shoulders into the mattress she pushed her hips up enough to slide her shorts down before falling back to the bed. Stretching her legs straight up in the air, she pulled the last offending scrap of clothing off over her feet and tossed them aside. Lowering her feet back down to the mattress again, she kept her knees together and peered up over them at him, raising an eyebrow as if asking what he wanted next. It took a lot of self control when what she really wanted to do was pull him down on the bed and ride him so hard he forgot the past few months had even happened.
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Date: 2013-06-15 08:16 pm (UTC)From:Words caught in his throat as both his hands reached up to slide along her legs, parting them easily and pitching forward, lips finding hers, making himself comfortable back between her legs. It was still easy, this was still easy. They can slip back into these roles perfectly much like they could slip back into being partners after solo missions.
Lips break from hers, dipping down to her neck, lips at her ear, "Ride me?"
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Date: 2013-06-16 01:23 am (UTC)From:She had never wanted a man more in her life than she wanted him, and she swore he was like an addiction. These past few months had been torture, and finally having him back again, naked and wanting her, she wanted to obliterate any space between them, to feel his hands all over her, to feel him inside of her, filling her up and making her feel whole again.
His question made her suck in a breath, more because he had formed it as a question instead of a want. She didn’t waste time in answering, instead smoothly rolling them over so she was now straddling him. Trailing kisses down his neck and chest, she stopped to twirl her tongue around his nipple while pressing herself against him and sliding up along his length. She was already slick and wet, and she could feel how hard he was, but she still looked up at him and grinned, placing her hands on his chest and pushing herself up. “Are you ready for me?” she asked with a wicked smile, her nails digging slightly into his chest.
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Date: 2013-06-16 01:40 am (UTC)From:He rolled with her, reached for another pillow to prop himself up so he could see her better, hands pushing her hair away so he could watch what she was doing, sucking a breath in at her lips and tongue and when she sat up at her nails which bit into his chest. "You know I'm ready, should be obvious." Hands dropped to her hips, rocking her against him slowly. "Don't drag this out Tasha, we've waited long enough."
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