Dancing in the Dark (for farmboyhawk)

[study_in_scarlet]

They didn’t get a lot of time off together, at least not enough to make a trip away worthwhile, so for this one weekend they decided to stay in the city and play tourist for the day.

They had started with a walk through Central Park before grabbing an early lunch at one of the city’s many street vendors and then wandering through the American Museum of Natural history. Natasha found the Hall of Minerals fascinating while Clint had gotten a kick out of all the dinosaur bones. They both enjoyed laying under the big blue whale with all the normal people.

Afterwards they went to a nice restaurant for supper, blending into the crowd of normal couples as best they could and Natasha actually forgot if she was playing a role or being herself as they finished their wine and shared their desserts.

“Thank you,” she said sincerely as they left the restaurant, stepping back into the cool night air. Nearby a busker played guitar and sang with surprising melody and soul, barely seeming to notice as people threw change into his open case, so caught up was he in his music.


Comments

[farmboyhawk]

"Yep, I'm horribly predictable. Hence why I'm such a bad spy."

Clint gave her shoulder just the smallest playful bite and kissed the very same spot then, feather light.

"Also, if I get you a little dirty, I get to clean you up afterwards. Soap, oil, back rub, the full program. So we both win. Still owe you that message, remember?"

[study_in_scarlet]

“You’re not a bad spy,” Natasha replied. “You’re just not a very good one either.”

She just couldn’t resist.

“How could I forget?” He did paint a very nice image, though, and it was very tempting to take him up on the offer right then, but they had just started their day and she didn’t want to waste the good whether, even though time alone with Clint would never be a waste. “Sounds like a good way to end the day.” Sun and swimming first, of course, though that also left room for Clint to get his hand on her since Natasha was a firm believer in protecting her skin, especially when it was him applying the sunscreen.

[farmboyhawk]

"Funny. You want some salt and tequila to rub into that wound?"

Clint put on his best pouting face but never stopped looking at Natasha from the corner of his eyes, more amused by her teasing than anything. He could do that whole secret undercover stuff of course whenever he had to, but he would never reach her level of perfection. That was okay. In return he still sometimes used to needle Natasha about her right shooting hand after all these years.

"So, off to the beach? Lunch is a little early. But hey, we still have to taste our way through all the ice cream brands available."

[study_in_scarlet]

Of course Clint knew it was a joke; what fun would life be if they couldn’t tease each other? Natasha didn’t worry for a second that he would be honestly offended, and she stuck her own lip out in a mocking manner at him. “Aw, poor baby,” she cooed before leaning in to kiss that pouty lip gently, followed by a quick nip. He had been asking for it.

“That sounds like the perfect afternoon,” she replied, though she lingered a moment on their perch before getting to her feet.

[farmboyhawk]

"You're being awfully cruel today."

Clint followed her, chuckling, and worried his lower lip a little in his mouth as if to recover from that teasing bite. Of course he was only searching for another excuse for a kiss, but Natasha didn't need to know everything.

Liho was nowhere to be seen when they returned which hopefully meant, little one was out there doing a little hunting training or just enjoying the sun herself.

Clint definitely intended to do the same. He quickly changed into some bathing trunks to wear under his pants and packed that half-finished King-novel in Natasha's bag. As nice as that unicorn-story had been, continuing to read that would just bring up unpleasant memories, and they didn't need any of these right now.

"Car or scooter?"

He wasn't too keen on entering a car that had been standing in the full sun for hours, but driving the serpentines on a two wheels maybe wasn't the best for Natasha's stomach.

[study_in_scarlet]

“Am I?” she asked. She didn’t fall for his little trick, though it was tempting to kiss him again. It was always tempting to kiss him. “I guess I’ll have to make it up to you later.”

She let that hang in the air, let his imagination run wild, as they made their way back to the house. Once inside she removed her clothes and slipped into a different bathing suit from the other day. It fit just as snugly as the other one and she frowned a little down at her body, rubbing a hand across her stomach. It was only going to get worse.

Brought out of her thoughts by Clint’s voice, she quickly pulled her shirt and shorts back on over the suit before joining him by the door. “Scooter,” she said decisively. Her stomach was feeling better, and she figured if the nausea returned it wouldn’t matter what they were driving. “Wouldn’t want to waste this weather.”

[farmboyhawk]

It happened pretty much out of nowhere. One second he was holding the door open for Natasha - and definitely not eying her legs and behind in these shorts when she passed him by.

One blink later he leaned heavily against that door instead of locking it and blinked away an alarming amount of black dots before his eyes.

That ice-cold, nearly painful feeling in his guts from something just being completely wrong was back, the one he had always woken up with after these nightmares he couldn't quite remember. She had worn shorts like that too, right, a little too tight from a body that was beginning to show, and...

There it was again, just for a moment, he knew who the girl was and why that scar he so seldom remembered between his shoulder blades throbbed faintly from long gone stitches.

But no, it was really only the heavy summer heat making it hard to breathe, not some old injury, and the threatening, overwhelming flashback was gone before he even knew it had rattled its chain.

With gritted teeth, he shook his head, trying to clear his mind and throw off that embarrassing weakness. Jesus, he needed more sleep and some really good energy drinks if a walk through the sun drained his energy reserves these days.

[study_in_scarlet]

Passing Clint on her way out the door, Natasha made it almost to the corner of the house before she realised he wasn’t following. Turning around to chide him about being slow, the words died on her lips when she saw him sagging against the door and suddenly looking rather pale.

“Clint?” she called his name, already moving quickly back to his side. She watched him shake his head, saw the clear distress on his face. Something was definitely wrong. “What’s wrong?” Reaching him she laid a hand gently on his arm, and searched his face.

[farmboyhawk]

"Hey, you should be proud. Your ass still makes me swoon after all this time."

Joking around always made thing easier, even if his grin looked a little shaken.

"I'm okay. Just gonna get an orange or something before we leave. My body is not used to not get stuffed like a hobbit all day."

He didn't tell her about the other thing, about the memories and how shitty they made him feel, simply because there wasn't anything new to tell. Maybe they would have another most entertaining night tonight, and he could dig up some more rubbish from his subconsciousness, but for now he was happy not to think about it.

[study_in_scarlet]

The joke fell flat, as did his explanation. She could buy that he could be hungry, but she knew him, she knew the torture he could put his body through, knew what they were trained for. There was more to it than that, but if he didn’t want to talk about it now she wouldn’t push.

“Okay,” she said, letting him go back inside. “And don’t forget the water.”

They could talk later, after a day out relaxing and enjoying the sunshine and each other Maybe whatever was bothering him wouldn't seem so bad then.

[farmboyhawk]

One of the best things of having Natasha as your partner was that she never pushed, never made him uncomfortable with things he didn't want to face at that moment, even if she didn't like it. Just one of the reasons why there was no one else whose company he enjoyed so much. Clint made sure to caress her arm shortly before he went back, letting her see that thankfulness, but hurried to get to the kitchen then. They were about to leave for another afternoon of fun, and he definitely didn't want to be the one stalling that.

His stomach nearly pulled one of these stunts that Natasha had to go through every morning recently when he peeled that orange. He forced himself to get down all of the slices anyway while he hacked the peel into tiny little pieces with the knife, just to give his hands something to do. He wasn't lying when he told Natasha, he wasn't hungry. His appetite was still caught somewhere between facing that they would be losing a child soon they hadn't even planned, and the new loop that they were actually planning it now.

He knew shit about psychology - the basic stuff you needed for all that spy shit only, really - but he supposed, his subconsciousness was trying to do some cleansing here. Which he was okay with, basically, as long as he didn't faint in the middle of the street.

He definitely wasn't okay with the fact that it seemed determined to dig out old ghosts for elimination as well. As if he didn't have enough of these yet, without dreaming of crying, disowned babies and dead cats every night.

Not disowned, Barton, don't be cute. Much too easy trackable. Hail to DNA databases. Disposed, erased. Still think, this is a good idea? Go back to your mission. You're looking for innocence in the wrong place here.

Clint cursed and drew his hand back quickly before the tip of the knife had done more than pierce a little through one of his callouses. He sucked the faint trail of blood away absent minded, tasting salt and left over juice, and got rid both of knife and the peels with a sigh. For escaping from his work for a while, he had an awful lot of inner conversations with Hill lately. Maybe he should call her about this bullshit after all, another footnote to his medical file or not. Monologising to his own cracked up mind became tedious and frustrating.

Well, at least he was awake enough now, even to remember these bottle of waters Natasha had asked for.

"I guess you better drive, if you feel up to it", he mumbled apologetically when he finally locked the door behind them.

[study_in_scarlet]

While Clint went back inside to get a snack, Natasha seated herself on the front step and waited. They had been doing so well, but clearly there was still much more for them to work through. Between the uncertainty of the baby, what their future held, Clint’s nightmares, and her own, they were far from stable, far from perfect, but they had each other. Through it all they had each other, and that would be enough. It had to be.

Placing her hands on the step behind her Natasha stretched her legs out and tilted her head back. Closing her eyes, she tried not to think about how long Clint was taking, tried to not dwell on what was going on in his head. Of course she had her own fears, fears she refused to face right now; fears... and hopes. Somehow the latter was even worse.

Opening her eyes and looking up at Clint she gave him a gentle smile.

“Maybe we should take the car,” she offered. If Clint was feeling lightheaded, even being a passenger on the scooter probably wasn’t a good idea. “I’ll drive, if you still want to go. We don’t have to.” She had to offer though she was pretty sure he wouldn’t take it.

[farmboyhawk]

"Nah. A day by the sea is exactly what the doctor prescribes for such cases", Clint answered with a smile. "We just need to let a little air in that car and run the ac for a minute."

Natasha looked just too cute, the way she was sitting there. He had to lean down and kiss her, upside down and a little awkward, but at least these times without seeing black spots. Maybe his body just needed two breakfasts to get really awake lately, in good old hobbit tradition.

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha was pleased that he didn’t want to hide away for another day.  It could be that he was putting on a strong face for her but she didn’t think so.  It felt more as if he wanted to push through and get on with the day, build some more good memories, than to dwell on what was bothering him.  She could certainly understand that.

The kiss was awkward but perfect in the moment and she was left grinning up at him when he straightened back up.  Holding her hand up she didn’t clarify if it was for him to help her to her feet, or to hand over the keys to the car.

[farmboyhawk]

"Come on, red. Beach is waiting."

Clint pulled her to her feet gently and swapped her in his arms for another quick kiss. He couldn't get enough of how her sun-warmed skin felt against his, how her body was soft and melting into his, or how her cheeks were gaining that certain healthy color back. Definitely a lot better sensations than the crap going on in his subconsciousness.

He kissed her cheek and then her mouth again and then tore himself reluctantly to lead the way to the car. It was pretty much like a ride through the dune, opening the door, and he was very quick to put the key in and turn the ac on before closing that door again.

"Well, maybe two minutes."

He walked back around the car since the idea was that Natasha was driving anyway and got his arms around her again, grinning.

"We should make the best of that time."

[study_in_scarlet]

Before they could get too carried away on the front stoop Clint pulled away and headed for the car. Natasha grabbed the bag and followed, hanging back when he opened the door to a blast of heat and managed to get the air conditioning running before he completely melted. Maybe they should have taken the scooter, but she didn’t want to take any chances, and besides, that’s what the ac was for anyhow.

Looping her arms comfortably around him when he pulled her into another embrace, she grinned at his words and bumped her nose against his. “Hmm... you mean like spending it making out like teenagers against the car?” she asked, backing him up a step or two until she had him against the door. “Unless you have other ideas?”

[farmboyhawk]

"There we go again. So predictable."

Clint let his hands wander from her waist lower shamelessly and slipped his fingers into the back pants of her shorts. He couldn't help but notice they fit a little tighter than he remembered it, and that thought brought all that warm, tingling, confused excitement back he felt about this situation. Soon she would be showing much more... He couldn't wait for it.

Also, it was a lot more exciting if things were so close, and he made sure to give her ass a good nice squeeze, letting her know how much he enjoyed her body, touching her. Her lips were too tentatively close to not steal another kiss, slow and lazy, between quiet, content sighs. Well, yeah, he could get used to that.

[study_in_scarlet]

With only two minutes Clint didn’t waste any time finding some naked flesh to get his hands on, and it came as no surprise that her ass was his immediate target. “Predictable indeed,” she said, pressing her body against his.

She knew he loved her body now, but would that change as she did? Would he still find her attractive when her stomach protruded and her face filled out and she got puffy and ended up waddling more than walking? What about afterwards when she was still stretched and heavy? What if her body was never the same again, would he still love the ruin that was left?

She tried to ignore those thoughts, instead losing herself in his kiss. It was still too far away, still too uncertain, and it was stupid to worry about something she couldn’t change. She had always been one to live in the now, and this was not the time to change that. Pulling him closer she deepened the kiss while still keeping it nice and slow.

[farmboyhawk]

The invitation was too tempting to not suck her tongue in his mouth, stroking it playfully, while one hand traveled slowly from her butt lower, massaging the soft warm flesh of her thigh and pressing her lower body just a little tighter against his. They were probably being watched by one or two people in the houses nearby, but he couldn't really care. The memory of their quickie in the middle of the ocean surfaced promptly, and he had to direct his thoughts to cleaning up the bathroom or writing reports immediately, before this could get embarrassing.

"Jesus, Tash'."

He nuzzled his face against her neck with a sigh, just to get drunk on her beloved scent once more before he had to keep his hands off her for a few hours.

"Sometimes I think you don't know how crazy I am for you."

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha wasn’t really one to put on a show for anyone, but she had grown to care less over time if anyone saw them. She was done deliberately hiding, especially in a place like this where nobody knew them. Besides, it was silly to try to hide their relationship in any way. It wasn’t like everyone didn’t already talk, and by the time they returned home...

Settling into his embrace, content to just hold him for a moment, she smiled lazily. She couldn’t really argue. She knew he was crazy about her, but sometimes she forgot just how much of an affect she could have on him with just the littlest things.

“Sometimes it takes a little reminder,” she said, kissing his shoulder through his shirt before settling her head there.

[farmboyhawk]

Clint was kind of glad they stopped before temptation could grow too big to go back inside the house instead of to the beach. Maybe Natasha wouldn't have minded being taken to bed now and he seldom did. But the days of going to the beach would soon be rare. She needed some time by the water. Maybe he did too.

The interaction had revived his senses a little but he still gladly let Natasha take over the car. He could always drive home when a little swim would hopefully have given him the rest of his energy back. At least you could sit in the car without being baked now.

He made sure to buy enough water for them on the way from the parking lot to the beach anyway and chose a place close to a few sunshades, where they could get out of the worst heat anytime if necessary. Probably coddling again? At this point he wasn't sure anymore. He could just hope, she would tell him if it got too much.

[study_in_scarlet]

It was reluctantly that Natasha finally stepped out of Clint’s embrace, though settling into the now cool car was nice. The drive to the beach was actually relaxing and helped to settle her into a rather content state. With her life and her body feeling so much out of control, it was nice to take complete control of something, to turn the wheel and have the car obey, to know that it all relied on her reflexes, directions and clear mind.

Once they reached their destination she let Clint pick them a spot to settle down. Spreading out their towels, Natasha stripped down to her bikini and sat down in the centre of her towel. Propping her sunglasses on the top of her head, she fished the sunscreen out of the bag and waggled it in front of him. “Sunscreen duty today or is it a little too tempting?” she asked.

It was an honest question, and also an unspoken implication. As much as she had enjoyed their activities in the water the other day she wasn’t up for a repeat venture, and she didn’t want to get Clint worked up when she wasn’t planning on finishing anything. She was perfectly capable of applying her own sunscreen if he preferred.

[farmboyhawk]

"You're making it a challenge, but I'll behave."

Chuckling, Clint took the bottle from her hands and coaxed Natasha to lean back so he could start treating her body with the sunscreen, with the same tenderness and accuracy as the other day. Only he kept his hands from wandering this time, concentrating fully and only on his job to reach every inch of Natasha's soft bare skin with his gently working fingertips. Of course she was a walking, breathing temptation when he allowed himself to revel in that, but he wasn't exactly 13 years old anymore. He had had his hormones under control in much more lascivious settings on former missions before.

With a small smile he realized that Natasha's skin started to show a faint bronze colored tone from their many hours in the sun, an unusual but pretty sight and definitely better than a painful sunburn. He allowed himself to press his lips to her shoulder and neck from time to time while he worked, especially after she had turned on her stomach to let him take care of her back. But still he didn't linger anywhere longer than necessary until he could be sure, he had finished his job well and settled next to Natasha with a content sigh to reach for one of their water bottles.

He was still restless, he felt it in the way his fingers worked the bottle cork and how he kept a closer eye on their surroundings, the strangers around them, than in the last days. That overload of unwanted burdens in his mind wasn't forgotten yet, and though his half-finished book was waiting in Natasha's bag, he knew that he couldn't find enough focus to remember even half a page right now.

"You good here?" he asked with a small sigh. "I think I need to swim for a while."

[study_in_scarlet]

As Clint moved his hands gently and soothingly over her body Natasha thought she could melt right into the sand. He covered every inch of her, not missing a single spot, and his fleeting kisses made her smile. Her stomach was feeling much better now, and even the pressure on it when she laid on it wasn’t that uncomfortable. By the time Clint had finished she was already half asleep, her head resting on her folded arms and her now protected back exposed to the sun.

Her brow pinched just slightly in concern at Clint’s statement but she nodded. “Enjoy yourself,” she said, and it was more than a suggestion. If he needed time to think, time to himself to clear his head, then she would certainly give him that. “Do you need sunscreen before you go?” Opening her eyes just a crack she peered up at him.

[farmboyhawk]

"Nah, I don't burn that easily."

It had been a few days, and Clint was pretty sure, his skin and body had adapted, as long as he didn't have such brilliant ideas as walking and sitting under the raw noon sun. He just stole a small dollop of Natasha's sun screen for his face and neck to not risk another escapade of his body and hurried to the water then. It was still warm enough from the heat peak of the day to be comfortable, so he wasted no time wading in, impatient to leave the shallow coast with playing toddlers and splashing adults behind. He wasn't feeling awfully social today.

The embarrassing incident by the house still on his mind, he took it easy, making his way to the border of the buoys, with calm, long strokes instead of a mad crawling pace. He shut his senses down and relied on his instincts, small irregularities and noises in the waves around him to avoid other swimmers, until he left them behind. Going slow but without stopping, until the thick rope connecting the buoys finally bumped against his fist and he brought his body to a halt.

Immediately the memory wanted to emerge how Natasha and him had made out here and he grinned. But when he turned his head to the beach, he could hardly make out her pale shape in the distance. Not paying attention on the way, he hadn't even realized how far the tide had carried him west, away from their remote little family beach. No wonder he was a little out of breath. He was half way on the far arm of Naxos. Well, that would be a long swim back.

"Any more bad ideas for today, Barton?"

With a half amused, half unnerved sigh, he forced his body to relax and lay back with one arm lazily slung around that rope, until only the waves carried him. The sun was too bright, too stinging, so after a few seconds he rolled around just as drowsily. Might as well use the chance to get his eyes used to salt water again. It was embarrassing how little he could see between these masses of blue and green.

After a minute or two at least something like relaxation kicked in, in spite of the growing tightness in his chest, and he could make out more than blurry shapes of fish and sea urchins around. Not that much too see that close to the coast. He remembered that boat trip Natasha and him had talked about and wondered if they would actually get around to do that. Somehow he had a feeling, her stomach wouldn't agree.

He had done a lot of diving and breath control exercise when he had been out with the Seahorse, he remembered. Not much else to do when you were bordering an Italian island, to wait for some dealer's meeting that would probably never happen.

Promptly, that damn scar between his shoulder blades began to tickle as if it had just waited for his brain to go to this place. He could swear to have felt a touch right there where he just couldn't fucking see, just a fingertip... Before he could reach back, it was over and he huffed at his own paranoia, wasting precious oxygen from his lungs. It didn't matter. The heaviness in his limbs felt good, the pressure wasn't painful yet. Maybe this was a good day for a new record.

He closed his eyes and wrapped his arm tighter around that rope, giving in to the dancing lights and flickers before his closed lids. This time it was his own inner ocean he tried to see through, tried to set into shape, without much success. Was it in there? This one face he could never place, so awfully young and helpless looking and yet...

Again the touch right along his scar, but this time he knew it was memory and ignored it, instead tried to hold on to this single outstanding moment he could see clear this time. Why was she touching him? Had she tried to help when they had come from behind? She shouldn't be here anymore. He had sent her away, to freedom, to safety, along with the others, her and her baby...

You have no business here.

Really, again? Maria and him had gone through this. As if he would leave a bunch of young girls in the hands of Sicily's worst underground scam. If she wanted him out of here, she would need to send a fucking extraction team.

Only when he turned around - in truth it was just a labored, weak tilt of his head - he saw that it hadn't been Maria talking to him at all. The girl looked at him with her cold, dead eyes and wiped her blood-stained fingers on his cheek, while the first wave of pain rippled through his chest and his lungs started to protest against even the smallest breath.

You should have stayed away, signore. Living at the foot of a volcano teaches you how to survive. We don't need your kind for that.

She was fading again, he couldn't make out half of what she was saying - or maybe he was just feeling too dizzy - but what he did see was that bloody blade suddenly much too close to a helpless wriggling tiny body. A terrifyingly trained, swift stroke...

He wanted to scream, to order, to control, the way he had been taught, but there was no air for that in his lungs. He felt himself reach out and slip, slip away like that whole mad, fucked up, blurry scenario, salt in his mouth and the deafening drum roll of his own heart in his ears...

Then he found himself spitting and wheezing back in the heat without really remembering how he got there. Nausea was sitting in his stomach, from swallowing water or too much bullshit in his head or both. Leaning heavily on the underwater rope, he tried to get his shit together enough to swim back. Enough fun in stranger tides for the moment.