Dancing in the Dark (for farmboyhawk)

[study_in_scarlet]

They didn’t get a lot of time off together, at least not enough to make a trip away worthwhile, so for this one weekend they decided to stay in the city and play tourist for the day.

They had started with a walk through Central Park before grabbing an early lunch at one of the city’s many street vendors and then wandering through the American Museum of Natural history. Natasha found the Hall of Minerals fascinating while Clint had gotten a kick out of all the dinosaur bones. They both enjoyed laying under the big blue whale with all the normal people.

Afterwards they went to a nice restaurant for supper, blending into the crowd of normal couples as best they could and Natasha actually forgot if she was playing a role or being herself as they finished their wine and shared their desserts.

“Thank you,” she said sincerely as they left the restaurant, stepping back into the cool night air. Nearby a busker played guitar and sang with surprising melody and soul, barely seeming to notice as people threw change into his open case, so caught up was he in his music.


Comments

[farmboyhawk]

Everything hurt, mostly his neck from where had slipped awkwardly half off that damn bench. Clint blinked a few times and realized dully that the plan of catching his breath with closed eyes had somehow lead to passing out in the middle of his workout. Probably should be glad he hadn't thrown up and choked on his own breakfast.

He came up with a few colorful insults for his own stupid ass while he waited for his brains to catch up and then very slowly, carefully reached out for the barbell-pole to pull himself in a less contorted position. His throat was as dry as an Egyptian dune and only produced something between a gargle and an "Oomph", when his muscles reminded him of every single sin of the last hours. Finally he was on his back again and tried to stretch very carefully but rather let it be for the moment. There was a very high possibility of one or two vertebra slipping out of place if he tried.

Well, that had been fun.

With a little strain he could reach one of his water bottles at least and emptied half of it over his head which helped at least not feeling like passing out immediately again. He managed to get some down his throat too, but shit, that hurt too. He needed a shower and a professional Chinese torturer to beat his body parts back where they belonged.

Through the half open door he couldn't hear much so he hoped at least that Natasha was as alright as could be. And that she had spent her time wiser than him. He got to his feet somehow, like an old man, or like just having been punched out of some mess by an extraction team. It became a challenge, just trying to climb the stairs as graceful as possible, with his head tilted aside in an awkward angle.

He wasn't much surprised to find Natasha crying, and his first impulse was going there at once, but he probably smelled the way he felt. And the whole point of this had been alone for a while, even if it hurt, right?

"Can I do anything, red? Just need... Gonna take a shower, then I'm with you, okay?" At least his voice sounded half-normal again.

[study_in_scarlet]

For a long time Natasha sat and imagined all the different scenarios that could come from this. She thought of all the joys and all the sorrows that could come from every possible outcome, thought of how each one would affect and change their lives and the life they led together. By the time she heard Clint’s footfalls on the stairs she felt a lot less lost though no less terrified than before.

Turning her head toward the sound of his voice she slowly opened her eyes to look at him.

“Okay,” was all she said, her eyes traveling quickly over his sweat drenched form. She could tell from the way he held himself that he had overdone it and was in a world of pain and probably in desperate need of a massage. She would offer once he’d finished his shower.

Bringing her forgotten mug of tea to her lips, she made a face at the now cold liquid. It was funny how hot tea that had gone cold was not a pleasant thing, yet iced tea was still good. Maybe she should make a pot and put it on ice for later. It would be a nice alternative to just chugging bottles of water.

[farmboyhawk]

The warm water helped a little, though Clint still preferred to keep his head slightly tilted to the left, that hurt the least. After two or three attempts he gave it up to soap himself up and just stood there under the hot spray, leaning against the wall with closed eyes.

He felt like shit but that was better than feeling even worse on the inside, he found. At least he had something else to focus on now than circling always the same question in his head like a broken record. Natasha would ask him again, sooner or later, he knew that, and he knew he had to answer her. But what if he still didn't know then? What if there would be only fear and pain through the next months?

And even if it did work out... Maybe they could somehow get this done, take time off like they had talked about it. And tell Fury to piss off if he didn't play along. If they needed help, Stark would probably be happy to build them a whole tower on their own, but...

That wasn't it. Clint was a train wreck but he had gotten that far in his life without crashing down over some bridge. He thought he could get Natasha and him through alone, even if they decided they wouldn't be alone anymore.

But he wasn't an idiot, at least not when he didn't decide to crash his body against a wall like today. He was very aware that a child needed more than money. It needed more than he was, it deserved more than he was. How was he supposed to help Natasha with this, when he had not an ounce of faith in himself?

Knowing this and thinking about how they would get rid of this were two completely different things, though. Just the thought made him want to puke his guts out at this point. How was he supposed to do, to watch this? This... this thing on that picture, it could be their baby. If it made it...

He winced a little when he leaned his head back to hold it under the spray but it helped, to clean his too hot, dazed head, his sticky hair, the old and new salt on his cheeks. Going in circles again, and it wouldn't stop, no matter how much time he spent in that damn shower. Natasha was crying, probably still, that thought finally got him to turn the shower off and awkwardly climb out of the tub to wrap a towel around his hips. He could help that at least. He was great as a shoulder to cry on.

"Hey."

He sat down next to her as carefully as he had climbed the stairs and made it mostly without grimacing. Only then he realized that he probably should have asked her if she wanted to eat or drink something. Oh well. Just the right punishment for his stupidity if he had to get up again.

"You hungry?"

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha listened to the sound of the shower, letting it calm the nerves that were threatening to to get fired up again. When Clint came back out they would have to talk again, and part of her was tempted to join him in the shower now and distract him. For how long, though? For how long could they keep dancing around each other or answering with I don’t know when they finally did talk? It didn’t matter that that was the honest answer, it wasn’t helping their situation at all right now.

Clint stayed in the shower a lot longer than usual and she was just wondering if she should go check on him when she heard the water turn off. Clearly he hadn’t fallen and injured himself, he just needed more time, something she understood perfectly.

She cleaned her face the best she could with the bottom of her shirt, but she knew when Clint emerged from the bathroom that she probably still looked like shit. Her eyes were red and puffy, but it wasn’t as bad as last time, and when she offered a small smile it wasn’t completely strained.

Turning to face him when he sat beside her she wrapped her arms around him and pressed her lips to his shoulder, absorbing him, breathing him in. “I’m fine,” she said, followed by another kiss. “You smell good...” One more kiss against his freshly washed skin and she let him go and sat back. “Now turn,” she instructed, making a turning motion with one finger that he should know all too well. She doubted he would agree on a full massage right now as he didn’t seem to want her to do anything for him, wanting to do everything for her right now instead, but maybe he was submit to at least his neck and shoulders.

[farmboyhawk]

"Always knew you had a sadistic streak", Clint murmured with half a grin.

He would much rather have spend time hugging Natasha close and feeling her lips on his skin, something so perfectly normal in contrast to all the crying and brooding. But he wasn't of much use to her if he couldn't move to her. And while her hands were evil and relentless when she wanted it, she would be a lot more effective than just trying to smash all the pieces back into places himself tomorrow or so.

So he turned obediently, bracing himself for the worst, and chewed on words that didn't want to come. And here they were back to silence. It couldn't go on like that. The situation was bad enough without both of them making it worse.

"So... Do we give talking another shot? Or do you need more time?"

[study_in_scarlet]

“You love my sadistic streak,” she said, giving his shoulder a quick nip before he turned around. She could see him favouring his neck, his head mostly unmoving and tilted to one side, so that was where she started.

Her touch was gentle, just feeling him out a little first to find the worst of his injuries. He had really done a number on himself and she felt her stomach sink. They couldn’t go on like this or there wouldn’t be much left of him by the end of the week. Thankfully he recognized this too, and broke yet another uncomfortable silence that had fallen between them.

“I think we should try,” she said, placing a kiss right between his shoulder blades and lingering a moment before she leaned back again. She knew there wasn’t much Clint could really say at this point, not much he would say. He clearly didn’t know what to think, nor did he want to influence her decision; her decision, as he had been so adamant about. It was up to her to start the conversation, then.

“I have been weighing all the options, been comparing logic to entirely emotional responses. Logically it isn’t a question if you take all practical things into consideration, but it’s not that simple. It’s not like buying the right car or... I don’t know, something else.” She couldn’t think of another good example off the top of her head though there were a million of them. So many decisions had to be made logically and didn’t need to factor in emotions at all. This wasn’t one of those.

She paused to give him chance to speak if he wanted to.

[farmboyhawk]

Clint managed to stay mostly silent when Natasha started touching him, biting the inside of his lip and trying to will his muscles to give in. It didn't work as usual. Not only because there was a nerve where it didn't belong.

It was hard to relax when his mind was immediately on alert again, warning him that they were entering dangerous territory once more. But they had to. They had to go through the possibilities together. Natasha didn't want to let him out of this, so much was clear by now. He still didn't think he was a good choice to have a say in this but... He had promised her to be there for her. If that was what she needed for it, he had to get over his reservations and fears. It would hurt either way, no matter if he just went with her decision or laid out his thoughts.

"Not like we've always been very logical", he mumbled when she stopped, because she wanted him to talk and that was the first thing that came to his mind.

If he had been logical, rational back then, Natasha wouldn't be here to straighten his back where it belonged now. Then he would have fired that arrow into the right place and take care of the ruthless traitorous Russian murderer like it had been his job. Needless to say, he more often than not preferred to not act on his orders or on what other people would do. And Natasha wasn't exactly known as S.H.I.E.L.D.'s star pupil in every mission either.

The difference was that this wasn't about them only. This time their decision affected another life, not just for a moment, a day, a mission. This was about a whole new life either being started and maybe being fucked up or not. How could anyone make such a decision? He already felt his stomach flutter again and his back went even more tense.

"Fuck, Nat, this is... This is just too big. But I don't want to say no just because I'm a fucking coward. If you want that child, if you want to be a mother... I know that you'd do great, you know? It would make you happy and you would make the baby happy. That has to count for something too, right?"

[study_in_scarlet]

For a moment Natasha thought that was all he was going to say. No, they weren’t the most logical of people, and if Clint thought with his head always she wouldn’t even be here, and if they both followed the rules and what was logical they wouldn’t be together. Some of the most important decisions that had shaped her life had little to nothing to do with logic.

She felt him go even tenser under her hands, and before she could say anything else he actually opened up a little and she felt her heart ache at his words. He had so much faith in her, more than anyone else in her life ever had, and he truly believed she could do anything, but at the same time he had so little in himself. Luckily he had her.

“I don’t know if that’s what I want, and I have no idea how to be a mother,” she said, working steadily at his neck. “But... I don’t think I can go through the procedure to get rid of it.” There, she’d said it, it was out there, and while still terrified she also felt relieved. “I’ve killed so many people, but inside me right now is life. I can’t...” Her breath hitched and her words faltered.

[farmboyhawk]

Clint winced again, louder this time, when one of Natasha's strong fingers hit just the right spot and a sharp burn shot through his neck, followed by a relieving prickle. Well, now he could at least lift his head again, and turn it enough for a short kiss on her hand. When she started talking, he reached back, ignoring the pain from over-strained muscles this time and held her hand right there, with his lips pressed against it. It was okay, his kiss was supposed to tell her, she could say it, whatever her feelings on this, the worst part, were. He had her like he had her hand.

And then she said it, the hardest part, and while the fear remained, that voice of panic wanted to start fluttering in his head again, that painful clench in his stomach was gone. He hadn't dared to hope so, but they were on the same page here. And this was the point where he could let her know. He would still be with her if she changed her mind, but right now this was the better solution for them. Maybe not the right one but the best.

"You don't have to."

He turned to her as fast as he could right now and wrapped his arms around her stomach, searching her gaze firmly.

"Okay? No one can make you. Not S.H.I.E.L.D., not anyone who might think to know what's good for us and what not and certainly not me. And I'm glad you feel that way. I mean, I could... We both could do it if you wanted it. But maybe we should leave this to chance. It will still hurt as fuck if... you know."

He pressed his lips against her forehead, let her feel the tremble going through his body that wasn't pulled muscles this time.

"But at least it's not our responsibility then. And maybe, I mean... We have a few months, right? We can prepare and..."

He shrugged, helplessly, still terrified to the bones just by the thought of it. But if it really did happen, if they were lucky... Then there was no way out. Then they would have to learn what they didn't know yet.

"We can learn how to do this, I think. How to have a kid and stuff. I mean, together..."

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha winced slightly herself when Clint did, but he soon reassured her he was okay, and not just with the pain. He held onto her hand, kept his lips pressed to her skin, and she was able to get the words out, the words she had been afraid to tell him. He said he would stand by her no matter what, but since he wouldn’t give his opinion on any of this she couldn’t judge which would be easier to live with to him.

The way he turned and pulled her into his arms, the way he looked into her eyes... she knew this was what he had been hoping for. He didn’t want to get rid of it, and the thought of losing it scared him as well, she could tell by the tremble that coursed through him, but he wanted to try. He wanted to take that risk with her.

Her arms moved around him and for a moment she forgot how to breathe. They were really talking about this, about having a baby, about raising a child together. It felt like a dream, this couldn’t actually be real, could it? Strike Team Delta, Hawkeye and the Black Widow, raising a child, their child?

She let out a choked noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob. “We’re really going to do this,” she said in disbelief, though the beginnings of a smile curved her lips. She was absolutely terrified of every option, but she didn’t feel like she was falling apart anymore. That must mean she had made the best decision, right?

[farmboyhawk]

"We're going to do everything we can", Clint agreed with a firm nod.

That still hurt his neck but he decided he didn't care about that right now. Natasha looked so relieved, so happy suddenly, that a great weight was lifted off his heart. He thought, he could live with the fear for the moment. For the next months. They would share it and carry each other. They would carry each other when the worst happened, when something happened to the baby after all. But he didn't want to think of that now. They had a chance, a good chance. Heck, that was more than they often had had in the past on a mission.

"I want to believe in this", he added quietly, softly stroking Natasha's reddened, sensitive cheek with his thumb. "Whatever happens, we'll be able to say, we tried. Maybe we should take another ultrasound or something next week and then again and... you know, just to go sure and all. And we'll talk about everything and how we get this done and...
I just..."

He tried to rest his head on Natasha's shoulder but no, that wouldn't work yet, so he just held her close and tried to breathe in shaky, long sighs through the new threatening panic.

"I'll need you in this, red. You need to watch me, you need to tell me if I'm doing something wrong."

His voice broke and he held her even closer to his chest, with tightly closed eyes, to chase away ghosts emerging from 30 years old graves. Natasha believed in him, she had told him that, and maybe if she did, he could, at least a little. But he was scared. So fucking scared.

[study_in_scarlet]

Clint was just as afraid as she was about losing the baby, but he still wanted to try, had wanted to try all along, she could see that now. He hadn’t wanted to effect her decision, hadn’t wanted her to keep it for him or to be afraid he would resent her if she got rid of it. He really would have supported her no matter what she decided, but she was now even more glad she had decided this.

She felt him wince again as he tried to move his head too far, and she softly rubbed the back of his neck, not putting any pressure on for now, not while they were still discussing something so important. It was a promise, though, that she wasn’t finished with him.

“I’m with you. Always,” she said, kissing him wherever she could reach when he pulled her closer. “And if you decide this isn’t what you want at any time, that’s okay. I’ll understand.” She had to give him that out, to make that standing offer just in case, just so he knew she wouldn’t hold him to this, wouldn’t trap him if it became too much.

[farmboyhawk]

Clint shook his head against Natasha's shoulder so she would feel it. As uncertain as this whole thing still was for them and partly would be until the end of the pregnancy... This at least he could say without the slightest of doubt.

"I've never left you alone, Nat. Unless you send me away one day, I'm with you, no matter what. You know me."

He backed away from her enough to give her a weak smile.

"Much too stubborn to give up, remember? We'll just... hope for the best."

Very slowly, still hesitating, one of his hands went from her back to her stomach, ready to pull away anytime if she wasn't comfortable.

"This is... still pretty freaky, you know. But in a good way."

[study_in_scarlet]

She did know him, but she had to be sure, she had to give him that option even if he never took it. He kept saying this was her decision and she had decided to keep the baby, but it had to be his decision to stay with her, with both of them.

“Sometimes I do love that stubborn streak,” she replied returning his smile, though hers was a little stronger than his.

Dropping her gaze to his hand as it moved slowly to rest against her stomach, she drew her bottom lip in between her teeth. Even though she was expecting the touch her muscles still contracted involuntarily under his hand, but she quickly covered his with her own to keep it there and let him know it was alright.

“Believe me, I know,” she said with a bit of a strained chuckle. She hadn’t thought it even possible, hadn’t expected to ever have to deal with this, and now... it would take some time to truly sink in, she was sure. Her body had already started to change, and it was probably that physical aspect that would finally drive the point home. He had said it was a good thing, though, and she raised her eyes back to his face, just reading his expression.

[farmboyhawk]

It was ridiculous, this shouldn't be such an issue. Clint had touched her a million times before, and nothing had changed since the last time... Well, maybe not exactly nothing, because this time he knew that her skin and that unusual softness of her bell felt different for a reason. And that thought alone was enough to make his heart beat faster and made it harder to breathe, but he fought the unease bravely.

He had told her he would try, and he would. Every day again. He had no other choice. They had made this together and he would do his best to act accordingly.

He couldn't fuck this up, he just couldn't. Not this. This wasn't an important shot or some gala diner where he had to behave and ended up embarrassing himself anyway. There was a tiny human being in there in Natasha's body, her baby, his baby... His hand trembled badly, but she held it and it was okay. She was there. He wasn't alone in this, just as little as she was.

And if they did right... If they could raise the child just the right way, they would bring a new life into this world, their life, their responsibility, their legacy. Something they had created together...

It sounded still so abstract, so far away, but there it was, right under his hand. He imagined how her belly would feel in a few weeks, when she would really start to show, and that thought suddenly had him smile with anticipation. Well, here he was, a silly sap after all. They would have to go shopping, buy her bigger clothes and... They would have to buy baby stuff too, right? Clothes and a bed and all and where the hell was it supposed to sleep?

Sure, they had her apartment and his roof loft in New York, but hers was small and his neighborhood wasn't exactly where he wanted to have a kid. He could rent that damn thing out just like the rest of the house, he was pretty sure, there had been people interested in the past... More money was always good, they would need it for wherever they were going to live. They would have to talk to Nick and maybe Tony and... Oh God, Stark, they would never hear the end of this.

He nuzzled his cheek against her neck with a sigh, seeking closeness. But he kept on softly caressing that still mostly flat part of her body where all their hopes and fears now were, and pressed his lips to her skin again and again.

"Oh my God, we're having a baby", he murmured against her neck, still in disbelief, but at least it didn't sound that scared and defeated anymore.

[study_in_scarlet]

She felt his hand trembling under hers but she didn’t let him go and she didn’t take her eyes off of his face. She could still see the fear, the worry in his eyes and she knew that would take some time to get past for both of them, if they ever did. Then, suddenly, he smiled and for the first time since this had started she felt like maybe, just maybe, they would really be okay.

Breathing out a sigh of relief Natasha smiled too and gave his hand a squeeze before letting off so he could touch her as he wanted. Wrapping her arms around him again she cradled him against her and rested her head on his shoulder, one hand still softly caressing his neck.

His words were muffled against her skin but she still heard them clear enough, the exclamation of the reality they were facing. This wasn’t a dream, this was really happening. “We’re having a baby,” she repeated, but the words didn’t sound any less strange from her own lips.

[farmboyhawk]

For a long while Clint just held her like this and enjoyed that they could embrace and comfort each other like that again. It had been a few bad days and there would be more of them to come, but what they had, what they shared, always stayed the same. They would try and hold on and maybe... Maybe they had a shot at something they had never thought possible. Never even considered...

"Jesus."

Clint shook his head against her shoulder again and huffed out a quiet laugh, followed by a wince when he raised his head again to look at her. He would have loved to sit with her here all day, but then he probably couldn't move anymore at all by tomorrow. And tomorrow would most probably be another morning of Natasha feeling sick and needing his help.

"I should lay down for a while", he murmured, apologetically, but didn't let go off Natasha just yet, instead leaned in to capture her mouth with his. Because that was another thing he definitely had missed.

The last hours had taken their toll on both of them, though, her lips felt just as dry as his own, and she tasted of salt. The bad, sour, sad kind, not the fresh breeze of a good long swim in the ocean.

"You need to drink, red", he sighed but still made no move to let go off her. It felt just too fucking good to be in her arms right now, especially sincea part of him still felt like drowning in a shady bottomless ocean.

[study_in_scarlet]

Time stretched on but Natasha didn’t seem to notice. Yesterday had been one of the most emotionally exhausting days in recent memory, but now as they held each other it wasn’t painful and awkward, nor was the silence uncomfortable. Things would change, she knew that, but for now they seemed to have found their balance again, that indescribable thing that made them work so well together.

When Clint finally stirred Natasha smiled at his laughter even as she felt him wince against her. Leaning back to meet his eyes she brushed on hand through his hair, over his cheek, along his jaw. She returned his kiss and part of her wanted to lose herself in it, but once again his focus was on her needs and well being. At least he wasn’t too quick to get rid of her, as she was content to stay in his arms a little longer.

“How about I get some water and you get into bed and then I’ll try to work out some of this damage you’ve done?” she replied with a small smile and the barest hint of that familiar twinkle in her eye. She wouldn’t tease him too much for pushing himself too hard because this wasn’t just him being bored or competitive. She knew why he had done it and she couldn’t be hard on him for that. It was as much her fault as his.

[farmboyhawk]

"Hm-hm. Make it bad, okay? Like, really painful. That keeps me from working out ever again."

Clint grimaced a little and pushed himself up with a sigh. By now the last of water from the shower before had dried, so he stopped by his dresser to trade that towel for a pair of light underwear. Attempting to put on more clothes sounded far too exhausting right now.

It was a relief to get comfortable on the bed, not only because he felt like he had just jumped from yet another building. The day had been challenging to say the least.

He stretched out on his back while Natasha was busy in the kitchen and stared out of the balcony windows to the still very bright afternoon sky, trying to comprehend what had happened in the last hours. A baby... It still sounded like a bad script from a daily superhero soap or something. Forget Stark, the rest of S.H.I.E.L.D. would make this the joke of the century on the bulletin board. Not that he gave shit what people thought.

But admittedly, the whole thing didn't miss a certain hint of irony. And here he had been sure that Pepper and Tony would produce the first baby in their team. Or like, Jane and Thor. Wasn't the guy the God of fertility too or something?

It would be absolutely horrible and he would probably have to keep Natasha off Stark's throat on a regular base but... He couldn't get the picture of her holding a baby in her arms out of his head. That was so much stronger than silly team bickering and even the fear of fucking this up spectacularly. They weren't there yet, not by a far stretch, and he should be glad probably because hell, they both knew shit about how to bring up a child. But it could be. It could very possibly be...

His head felt too hot with stupid giddiness suddenly and he reached for a pillow to press it against his face with a chuckle. Cold ruthless rational master assassins. Right. More like a family business suddenly.

[study_in_scarlet]

“So you can become soft and pudgy like me?” she teased. “Ever again is a long time.”

Taking her mug to the kitchen and dumping the rest of the tepid tea, Natasha got a bottle of water from the fridge and took a few small sips. She would probably have to start drinking more milk for calcium, along with other things. There was probably a whole list of foods to eat and another of foods to avoid for the next few months. That part she definitely wasn’t looking forward to. S.H.I.E.L.D. usually provided healthy meals for their agents, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t eat other things if she wanted to. Then there was the drinking alcohol, not that she really did that much, but still. Maybe she should see if there was a library nearby to get some books on the subject.

Taking the water with her to the bedroom, she stopped in the doorway and grinned in amusement to find Clint stretched out on the bed with a pillow over his face. “Now it’s not that bad,” she said, setting the bottle down for a moment as she swapped out the long pants and restrictive blouse for a pair of shorts and a tank top. Easily locating a bottle of massage oil she settled at the foot of the bed and started with his calves.

[farmboyhawk]

"Just wait until I've lived off pizza and pasta for a month, red."

Clint peered down at her from under that pillow, and his teasing grin turned into something softer at once. It was a great relief that they were back to joking around, and that touches didn't feel so forced anymore, but even better was seeing that Natasha honestly seemed to get better. She didn't hide in these baggy, too hot clothes anymore, they were done with crying at least for the moment and her stomach seemed to be okay except for the mornings. That was good, right? That was normal...

And she could still kick his ass if he behaved like an idiot, thank God. There would be no time for beating himself up on a damn workout bench in the next months. He needed his body and mind fully functioning if he was to carry her through this. Natasha had her own very memorable ways of making him remember that.

But she had oil, and that made it so much more endurable. It was definitely wrong how much he enjoyed her hands on him, even when he had to grind his teeth and breathe through the only slowly ceasing cramps in his legs.

As soon as she was close enough, he placed his hand on her thigh and gave her a soft, just a little fuzzy smile.

"Thanks, red. Promise, I'll return the favor."

[study_in_scarlet]

It was amazing how relieved she felt now that the decision was past them. She was still terrified of the future, of the possibilities that still remained, but for now the decision was made and Clint was standing by her, no matter what. That made all the difference in the world.

It felt good to touch him, to feel his skin beneath her fingers, to feel his muscles flex and relax under her touch. They had been almost as strangers, their touches awkward and unnatural, but that much of it seemed to have passed without the pain and uncertainty hanging over them.

“I’ll hold you to that,” she said, returning his smile as she moved on to his thighs. “You really did a number on yourself, didn’t you?” she said, working the muscle a little harder than necessary. She would never be too hard on him, but if he wanted it to hurt then she could make it hurt. Just a little. Then maybe he wouldn’t do something this stupid again for a very long time. “Maybe you should stick with water sports from now on.”

[farmboyhawk]

He could have told her that he had just forgotten to warm up properly - not at all was more like it - and that he wasn't that young anymore, but why lie to her? She'd know, anyway. She already had her way of telling him what she thought about his stupidity. A way that had him groan between his teeth from time to time or bite down on that pillow. It would just bring back this unbearable tension between them to make up excuses.

"Adrenaline helps, you know. Mostly I just got wasted in the past when I wanted to forget, but sometimes... Can't really remember how often I woke up in some dirty side valley because I ran too long and too far in the middle of the night. Especially after all this crap with... after New York. Probably lucky they didn't just shoot or stab me somewhere by accident."

His hand on her thigh caressed her softly, just a little to not distract her from her task, and his eyes rested on her face unflinchingly. Only these little pained sounds were on his lips from time to time, but they already came less frequent. Natasha knew what she was doing, always had. He definitely didn't plan on making this a habit anyway. Or at least not in a way that she had to watch.

"Sometimes I need that. Sometimes it needs to hurt outside instead of inside."

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha was very glad for his honesty; it made her feel like they really were on the road to healing. Had he lied to her now... she wasn’t certain how she would have reacted, but that probably would have signaled the end of the massage.

Of course it still hurt to hear it. All those times he had ran, would they have been better had she been there? Maybe they should have taken this vacation earlier, or she shouldn’t have accepted so many missions without him, but maybe they were both running from something. Either way, there was no point dwelling on it now. It was in the past, and while she preferred to live in the present, for the first time in her life she really had to think about the future.

“I understand,” she said quietly, and she did. They all had their vices, their ways of dealing with the things that were difficult to accept or get through. Moving a little further to kneel at his side, she bent forward to place a soft kiss to his stomach before continuing her work. “For what it’s worth, between drinking, running, and this... I’m glad it was this.” Had he run off she would have worried about when he’d actually return, or if something would happen to him in his emotional state, and while he could be fun when he was drinking, not so much when he was doing so to drown his sorrows. She was pretty sure that would have only led to more tears for both of them. He was in a lot of pain now, but it was the less stressful of the options, and the one she could help him through as she was doing right now.

[farmboyhawk]

"Thank you."

Clint's eyes fluttered close and his body went a lot more pliant under Natasha's hands. They were both grown up people, master killers, for fuck's sake, they sure as hell didn't need the other's permission for their ways to handle their demons. But knowing that Natasha didn't judge him, wasn't disgusted by his weakness, made it so much easier to melt into her touch.

He felt a lot better already in fact (though he would agree to cook her a five course meal in an instant if she wanted to go over his back just one more time). When her hands were close enough, he lifted his head to kiss her fingers, one after the other, ignoring the faint layer of oil. His hand wandered from her thigh up to her back to caress her in soft circles. Better, definitely.

His right biceps would be pouting for another few days but he knew his body well enough to be sure, nothing had torn, and being able to move again just felt amazing. Slowly, piece by piece, he could feel balance slip back into his body and mind. By now he really enjoyed Natasha's warm, skilled hands treating him with the soft warm oil. He made a mental note to use it next time when he gave her a massage. When she was touching him too lightly or brushed over sensitive places, he shivered a little, another sign of his vitals coming back to life.

He still felt drained but that was probably more to not exactly having eaten much in the last few days. And his stomach was still on holidays, but a small bite for diner wouldn't hurt anyway.

But first he wanted to hold Natasha in his arms for a while. They had allowed themselves too little of that in the past days.

"Come here?", he whispered softly, raising his hand to her face, his thumb gently brushing her lower lip.