Dancing in the Dark (for farmboyhawk)

[study_in_scarlet]

They didn’t get a lot of time off together, at least not enough to make a trip away worthwhile, so for this one weekend they decided to stay in the city and play tourist for the day.

They had started with a walk through Central Park before grabbing an early lunch at one of the city’s many street vendors and then wandering through the American Museum of Natural history. Natasha found the Hall of Minerals fascinating while Clint had gotten a kick out of all the dinosaur bones. They both enjoyed laying under the big blue whale with all the normal people.

Afterwards they went to a nice restaurant for supper, blending into the crowd of normal couples as best they could and Natasha actually forgot if she was playing a role or being herself as they finished their wine and shared their desserts.

“Thank you,” she said sincerely as they left the restaurant, stepping back into the cool night air. Nearby a busker played guitar and sang with surprising melody and soul, barely seeming to notice as people threw change into his open case, so caught up was he in his music.


Comments

[farmboyhawk]

"I'm afraid I'll fall asleep on you then", Clint chuckled. "And then I can't move again tomorrow. Remember, you've hooked up an old man."

He craned his head aside for demonstration matters which brought him comfortably close back to Natasha's neck and wasted no time continuing his little kisses and bites there.

[study_in_scarlet]

“Oh, I forgot you’re ancient,” she said, grinning wider as he continued his assault on her neck. Opening one eye she located the remote on the coffee table, just out of her reach. The menu music was getting a bit annoying on its constant loop, but she was loathe to move.

“Although you know what they say,” she continued, stretching out her leg to try to push the remote closer. “With age comes experience.”

[farmboyhawk]

Natasha's movement had her wriggle against him a bit, and Clint hissed quietly, trying to push certain associations out of his head. Before this could go from harmless to being completely dead for that meeting tomorrow. Unfortunately he could seldom resist watching when Natasha demonstrated just how flexible she was.

Grumbling to himself, he reached for the remote once it was close enough and shut the TV cold.
When his hand returned, it made its way down Natasha's pants all by itself again, stopping definitely a little lower this time.

"Hm-hm. Dirty old man, that's what you got yourself for a partner."

[study_in_scarlet]

A comfortable silence settled over the room and Natasha let out a breath. It wasn’t that she didn’t like a good Bond theme, but hearing the same clip of it played continuously would get to anyone after a while. Settling back against Clint again, of course she didn’t fail to notice that when he returned his hand to where it had been it happened to rest a little lower than before.

“Mmm, good thing I like it dirty,” she muttered. Despite the age gap between them, the last thing Natasha ever thought of Clint as was old. Watching him in action and knowing how young at heart he was she knew he could give even an eighteen year old a run for his money.

[farmboyhawk]

"Might just hold you to that."

Clint curled his hand to playfully tap his fingers against the soft sensitiveness below her belly, which left the crotch of her pants rubbing tighter around her middle. His lips had reached her ear by now and closed around the lobe most gently, just the smallest of pulls and licks to tickle her senses further.

[study_in_scarlet]

There was a lot more room in the shorts she had borrowed from Clint than there had been in her jeans, but he still managed to pull them just right to make her suck in a breath. Well, at least if they were going to have sex every two hours she wouldn’t have to worry about finding a way to work off all the rich food she planned to eat on vacation. Best workout routine ever.

“I get the feeling there are a lot of things you’d like to hold me to,” she said, her voice taking on a husky tone to tease him. He knew how hot she got when he nibbled her ear, and while he was just clearly playing with her so far she was already getting excited again.

[farmboyhawk]

"Me? Not at all. I thought we had just agreed that it's your job to seduce me."

Grinning widely, Clint pulled his hand back to wrap his arm around her completely harmless again. Not that he would stand the least chance in resisting this woman, but sometimes he couldn't help tease her a little.

"We should probably be reasonable and go to sleep. Long day ahead and all."

[study_in_scarlet]

“Actually, I think we agreed that you wouldn’t need seducing,” she said, letting out a huff when he withdrew his hand. He was such a tease sometimes. She loved every minute of it, of course, but sometimes he left her torn between shutting him down for the night and tearing his clothes off. Decisions, decisions.

“True,” she agreed. “And you haven’t even packed yet.” Anything else could wait until they were safely away at their destination without a care in the world and no obligations.

[farmboyhawk]

"True. I'm afraid, you'll have to let me get up for that. We'll work that seducing part afterwards."

Clint sighed a little heavier and more reluctantly than necessary and let go off Natasha just as reluctantly. Emptying the washer-dryer and throwing a few things into a suitcase wouldn't take much time, and in the meantime Natasha could get more comfortable in his bed- definitely something to look forward to upon his return...

[study_in_scarlet]

“Unfortunately I can’t see another way around it,” she replied.

Once Clint had let her go, Natasha turned to give him a lingering kiss before getting to her feet. “If I can trust you to pack on your own, I’ll take care of this,” she said, gesturing to their dishes and empty food containers. She wanted everything taken care of tonight so they wouldn’t have to rush in the morning to finish up anything last minute.

[farmboyhawk]

"What, you mean I can't bring my playstation and and the purple underwear?"

Sighing and chuckling at the same time, Clint shoved himself off the sofa to head for the bathroom. Watching Natasha handle the dishes had him both smiling and shaking his head in amusement. They were kind of getting used to that domestic thing, it seemed.

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha pursed her lips for a moment. “The playstation, no,” she said before grinning at him. “The purple underwear, yes.”

Once Clint was gone to get ready, Natasha gathered up the dishes and carried them to the kitchen. There wasn’t that much, only their dinner and breakfast dishes, so she washed them all by hand, an exercise to pass the time. Once they were done she grabbed the trash bag from the bin under the sink and gathered up all the garbage, tying the bag and leaving it by the door to take out in the morning.

When she was fully satisfied that they wouldn’t return to anything disgusting, she collected her vase of flowers and moved into the bedroom, setting them on the bedside table.

[farmboyhawk]

"I'll take your word for it."

Clint winked at her and headed for the bedroom, amused. Maybe he'd actually pack one or two things like that, just to make her laugh, and though they had never made it to the adult store today... He might have one or two toys to take along somewhere in his closet too.

Just finished and closing his suitcase when Natasha returned, Clint looked up and watched her with a soft smile. That she brought the flowers in here, that she wanted to look at them for a while longer, kept that small warm spark in his heart alive, that might be a little kitsch but was mostly love and happiness. He stayed in his kneeling position for a moment and tried to come up with something witty but got lost in watching her instead. Trying to comprehend that feeling without looking too much like an idiot.

Just one day left until they could escape from everything for a while. Still sounded surreal.

He had already prepared the bed for them and wasted no further time getting out of his pants, leaving just a pair of short tight underwear to sleep in, before he slipped under the cover. Slow enough to let Natasha have a good look at him of course.

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha could feel Clint’s eyes on her as she moved about the room, could almost feel the smile in his gaze. He had already fixed up the bed and turned it down so it looked warm and inviting as he finished up his packing.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, she watched him undress and slip under the covers, admiring his physique unabashedly, and debated her own clothing. More often than not when she stayed over she slept in the nude, but tonight perhaps it would be better if she kept the clothes on to discourage any friskiness that could keep them from a good night’s sleep. In the end she settled on something in the middle and slipped off the shorts while keeping the oversized t-shirt she had borrowed in place. I was long enough to mostly cover the more tempting bits, though he did have a healthy love of her legs as well.

Chuckling to herself, Natasha crawled under the covers beside him. They were full grown adults; certainly they could resist a little temptation for one night, especially considering just how much they had given in over the rest of the weekend.

[farmboyhawk]

Clint had felt her hesitate and held back once she laid down beside him, just shortly reached out to caress her arm, press her hand, letting her know, he agreed. Plenty of time tomorrow night when they would have gone through all the bullshit on the way.

"Stay aware please, in case I wake you up again", he muttered, sleepiness seeping through his voice. "Don't want to hurt you by accident."

[study_in_scarlet]

“You won’t,” she had said softly, curling up against his side. It wasn’t too long before they were both fast asleep.

The night passed with no incident, surprisingly, and they both woke rather refreshed and ready to face whatever was to come. They were ready early so they had a full breakfast out before meeting Fury for their appointment. He already had a pretty good idea of what to expect when they walked in, and while Natasha was armed with statistics on how much vacation they had earned over the years and how little they had both taken, it seemed that he had already made up his mind before they walked in. Clint’s state of mind had been noticeable to those who knew him best, and despite their issues Fury trusted and respected Clint and wanted what was best for him. While he was loathe to lose Natasha as well he had granted them an extended leave on the condition that they check in periodically, allowing no more than a week to pass before doing so. He made it no secret that if they didn’t he would find them.

Overall the day had been as painless imaginable, and even the flight overseas had gone well. The plane had even had the newest Bond film to watch and make fun of to pass the time.

They had a stopover in Germany, and with a few short hours to kill they tried to pass the time with a little browsing.

[farmboyhawk]

Clint felt tired, and the day wasn't even half over.

The meeting with Nick hadn't been half as bad as expected. The fact that in the eyes of his employers, he couldn't leave the country without a babysitter he'd already put up with, after all. And Nick at least wasn't trying to be an ass about it.

The look that Maria had thrown him on the way out, hadn't exactly been harmless. Just as little as those of some other agents they had met. But nothing he wasn't used to.

At least he had full control of his accounts again and didn't make an idiot of himself anymore when he wanted to buy coffee for Natasha and him. And the small duty free bar where they wanted to wait for the next flight was remote enough.

Still it was there when Clint remembered why he hadn't been too happy about the flight route. It was ridiculous how much it should not bother him and did anyway. Two hours from here was just a little close for his taste.

He tried to distract himself with surfing on his phone but the thought that S.H.I.E.L.D. was certainly monitoring his history, wasn't making it fun.

He sipped on his still too hot coffee and stared outside at the runways, trying to get lost in the promise of powerful machines to take off to the skies, the way he had once enjoyed it so much. Instead the few jets waiting for their next tour blurred into the shape of a sharp small Falcon on his mind. A machine that he shouldn't miss as much after what he had done with it and experienced in it, and still did.

Unnerved from his own restlessness he finally went to watching the passing people outside which turned out to be the worst of idea of all. Everyone who looked at him for longer than a split second made him nervous. As if it was just a matter of time, until someone would recognize him and call for local police. Knowing that every potential mug shot had long been killed by the network guys, helped only until the next person hurried by, probably scared off by the scowl on his face.

"Great... Add paranoia to the list of your mental evaluation about me", he groaned, frustrated.

[study_in_scarlet]

Clint was distracted, and at first Natasha thought that it was just the tension of the day finally catching up with him. When she finally realised what was wrong she kicked herself for not seeing it sooner.

Of course he had been in Germany that day, the reports had said so later, but she didn’t like to think of it, didn’t like to think that she had been there as well but had fallen for Loki’s distraction instead of going to find Clint. She couldn’t have known he would be there, of course, but that didn’t keep her from regretting that she hadn’t.

She noticed how he was looking around, how he was searching every face for signs of recognition, and it was this attention that was earning him the strange looks, not the other way around.

“If you ignore them they won’t even notice you,” she said, placing on hand lightly on his arm. People saw anything if they looked close enough. “Look at me,” she continued. “Pay none of them any mind, okay? Just look at me.”

[farmboyhawk]

Following that order should be easy enough. Looking at Natasha was one of Clint's favorite hobbies, after all.

Instead he found himself lock his eyes on her hand, and his, after he took it over the distance of the small round table. She was always there, always understanding, that was why he trusted her with this trip... But sometimes he couldn't help but wonder what she really thought when another situation like this happened. He wasn't the man she had got to known and appreciate anymore.

"Sometimes I feel like there's nothing left of me but this. Nothing but fear and anger."

[study_in_scarlet]

It was hard. Seeing Clint like this, knowing how damaged he was, was so very hard, but Natasha wasn’t ready yet to accept that it was irreversible.

“I don’t believe that,” she said, squeezing his hand. She couldn’t believe it. She knew that there was more to him, that the man she trusted and loved was still in there. “I have seen men consumed by fear and anger, and men like those would not have bought me flowers.” She smiled softly at him. “And they would not be here today, trying to get themselves back.”

[farmboyhawk]

Clint could vaguely remember that they had this conversation before... many years ago. Only their places had been reversed back then. No matter how hard Natasha had tried to push him away, convince him that it was useless... He had never stopped believing in her. And she had not disappointed him. He didn't owe her any less than trying the same.

This wasn't the place for deep discussions, so he just pulled her hand close and pressed his lips to her palm.

"I'm trying. I'm not the giving up type, at least that I can say for myself."

[study_in_scarlet]

Clint had never given up on her, and he had helped her discover who she really was, so there was no way she would turn her back on him now.

Leaning forward a little when he brought her hand to his lips, she brushed her thumb over his cheek. “You never were,” she said. “And neither am I.” Only once had she been close to giving up everything, and that was when Clint had found her, when she had been at her lowest point, and he had pulled her back and raised her up. She owed him everything. “You know how stubborn I can be.”

[farmboyhawk]

Clint just nodded, with a weak smile. There probably wasn't a more stubborn person on this whole planet. He couldn't imagine someone having gone through everything Natasha had and still fighting on like that.

If she could do that, it should be more than easy for him to overcome a few days of horror, technically he knew that, but that knowledge didn't help just set his heart right. And he couldn't wait for it to happen. He had to make first steps himself.

"Sometimes wonder if I should visit the guy I took down here", he murmured, turning his sight vaguely into the direction of that one city not far from here. "The one who survived. Don't know if it would make things better or worse for any of us."

[study_in_scarlet]

Despite the similarities in their situations, never once did Natasha ever feel that Clint was overreacting. Yes, she had gone through years of being brainwashed and manipulated and his encounter had only lasted days, but that didn’t make it any less traumatic. He hadn’t gone through what she had, he couldn’t know how it felt, just like she couldn’t really know what he was dealing with. Painful situations weren’t measured in time.

She watched his face when he mused about the survivor of his attack here, and though she understood where he was coming from she shook her head.

“It may not make things worse, but it wouldn’t make them better either,” she said. “Do you think he would want to hear that you had been forced to shoot him? It won’t make him feel any better about it, and would only cause him to relive a pain he has probably moved on from.” She didn’t mean to sound harsh, and her voice was anything but, but sometimes people needed to hear the direct truth. “You can’t live in the past, Clint. You can’t go back and fix things, you can only try to atone for them now.”

If anyone knew about atonement it was her.

[farmboyhawk]

After pondering about it for a few more seconds, Clint pressed Natasha's hand gently and let go off it then.

"You're probably right. I should really talk about these things more with you."

It wasn't any easier being here now, so close where only the first of many murders had encountered, but at least the weight of being stuck had been lifted off his shoulders. He couldn't take it back, no one ever could. There was only moving on, no matter how much it hurt. That pain probably was a part of this atonement thing too.