study_in_scarlet | Dancing in the Dark (for farmboyhawk)

"Tease."

Clint hissed quietly through his teeth and forced himself to step back or they would never have made it out of here.

"Hey, you don't need to. We can try cover your neck with the collar of your jacket. But I will not be responsible for any accidents."

Somewhere from the back of his bureau, where a good part of his undercover stuff was waiting, he brought up a quite thin, narrow black scarf, a little more fitting for a woman than the rough cord stuff he preferred. He stepped behind her while she was still busy and pretended for just a second to place it over her eyes, just to play a little more, before he wrapped it around her neck.

"Perfect as usual."

Chuckling when Clint stepped away, Natasha threaded the belt through the remaining loops and cinched the pants tighter, adjusting them on her hips. “Well, I would hate to make anyone jealous. Might be best to cover up.”

Gathering her hair up off her neck, Natasha tried to smooth the top down into something at least halfway presentable. Her breath hitched the slightest bit when he placed the scarf over her eyes, but she smiled when he wrapped it around her neck. Securing the elastic in her hair, she turned to face him, resting her hands on his shoulders.

“Hardly,” she said, giving him one last quick kiss before stepping away, not daring to linger. In all honesty there was something very alluring about her current getup, even despite the messy hair. “We should probably get going. The sooner we can go, the sooner we can get back.”

"Here we go with the reason again."

After another unwilling sigh, Clint lead the way to the door because well... One of them had to.

The next subway station wasn't far from his house and he tried not to linger... But he could feel the tension return to his shoulders that had nearly fallen off completely last night, with every step more. Subway meant people. People meant potential trouble.

He kept his eyes mostly on the dull greyness of the concrete and let his instinct take over, to choose a quiet corner between the waste bins and the information boards once they were down in the station.

Maybe he should just get a car again.

Natasha could tell that the moment they left the house Clint’s mood shifted again. Gone was the carefree, playful one of only moments ago, and she could practically feeling him withdrawing, trying to shrink away from everything.

At first she gave him space, not wanting to crowd him, but once they were in the subway station and he practically crammed himself in the smallest space he could find, she knew this wasn’t something to ignore She had let it go for far too long, hadn’t seen how bad he was, hadn’t let herself see. That was over now, from now on he was her top priority.

Moving in close to him, she silently reached for his hand, just holding it for a long moment before finally speaking. “Why don’t we go get a cab instead,” she offered. “Take the scenic route.”

"Done that for quite a while", he answered quietly, because really, what use was it to lie to her? He didn't want that, not after last night. If she put her trust in him like that, he couldn't go on excluding her from his own problems.

"Not exactly the cheapest way to travel, though, and you know. My hidden reserves and all have mostly be eaten by tech to destroy the planet. Sometimes it gets better, then I'll walk the streets for weeks like I used to and I think I'm over it. Then I pass by another memorial... Or I meet an agent on home base whom I used to catch bullets for and who suddenly doesn't know me anymore. And it's all right back to the start. It will never stop, Tash'. And running from it doesn't make it better."

He pressed her hand weakly, thankful for her support. It also helped not rubbing that one spot on his wrist where a faint throbbing of memory wants to kick in, from another of these not so pleasant meetings on the Helicarrier. She didn't know about that one, no one did. He didn't want anyone to.

He shoved his other hand deep down in his pocket instead, his sight locked on the arrival board, counting the minutes left until the train would arrive.

Natasha’s brow creased slightly as he spoke. She understood what it was like, how it was to go through life thinking everything was okay until one little thing triggered it all back. His last statement, though, was what stuck with her. She knew he was referring to avoiding the everyday things, but what of this trip they were planning? Was that running away too? She thought it would help him, to get away from everything for a while and coax him out of his shell, deal with all the problems head on instead of continuously putting it off, deal with everything without the constant reminders nearby. She thought that best, but would it only make it worse on him in the long run to come back to all this after experiencing the world beyond it?

No, she still thought it the right thing to do. She could help him work through things much easier when he wasn’t surrounded by them, help him find himself again. If she could help him properly deal with his demons then it should make things easier, she was sure of it... but maybe he wasn’t.

They could talk about it once they got to her place.

She didn’t say anything to his confession, just pressed his hand as comfortingly as she could and followed his gaze to the arrival board until they could hear the approach of the train to their platform. “At least with the subway it never takes long to get to where you’re going,” she said. And thankfully, this early on a Sunday, there were only a few people scattered about the platform so hopefully they wouldn’t have to cram in like sardines.

As soon as they were inside and had snatched two seats in the back of the wagon for themselves, Clint reached for his smartphone and spent the next minutes staring at it grimly, ignoring his surroundings as good as possible.

The few messages he had to send everytime he was leaving town for more than a few days soon were done with. He even thought of telling his substitute to look into that damn generator and replace it if necessary. Couldn't get worse than doing overtime for a few months if the bill was too high.

Before temptation could come up to get lost in a new Angry Birds high score, he finally put the phone away and took a short look outside to see how long they had left to go. Couldn't be more than one or two stations, but of course they were passing another not even half way repaired block just this moment. Another of these neighborhoods where it was no use denying what had happened. Where even Tony's regular donations to help didn't seem to do much.

His jaw tightened and this one painful knot in his stomach was back immediately. But he forced himself to keep on looking at the scars of explosions and fires, to remind himself.

Taking her seat beside Clint, Natasha sat in silence while he took care of his business, lining everything up that needed to be taken care of while they were gone. Personally she had nothing to worry about in that vein, which would have struck many as sad. She had nobody to call who would care she was gone, nothing that depended on her. As long as her bills were all paid up she was free as a bird.

When Clint finished and put away his phone she threw a quick glance at him and noticed the set of his jaw, the hardened expression. If she was going to help him there was no halfway, no hiding like she was ashamed. She had to go all in, had to prove to him that she was here for him, no matter what.

Slipping her hand into his, she threaded their fingers together and rested her head against his shoulder.

Clint turned his head to her, more than surprised by a kind of affection they usually didn't show in public. Though the wagon was fairly empty and no one seemed to be watching... He knew it couldn't be easy for Natasha, and bit by bit he began to realize how important it really was for her to help him. To be there for him. He just had to allow himself to accept that.

"Sometimes I feel like going out and try rebuild it all with my own two hands", he murmured tiredly, his lips just quickly touching her forehead to thank her for her concern. "But that won't bring the people back who died in these buildings."

It was difficult. Last night in the park had been easier, it had been dark and rainy and nobody had paid them any mind, but here in the subway car, though there weren’t many people sharing it with them there wasn’t a lot else to look at, and the lights lit up their features for everyone to see. It was hard to cast aside years of programming, two decades of keeping herself private from the world. It was hard, but Clint was worth it, he was worth anything, everything.

“Nothing will bring them back,” she said quietly, running her thumb along his hand. “I know it’s little consolation, but none of it was your fault, and had you not been with us in the end we wouldn’t have been as effective. We wouldn’t have protected as many people as we did.”

She too had been brainwashed and controlled, but many of her crimes she had done with a clear mind, no matter how muddy the circumstances. She knew guilt, knew wanting to atone, and she knew she couldn’t let Clint dwell on it or it would destroy him.

"I've kind of stopped looking for consolation. It feels like lying to myself."

He looked down on their entwined hands and pressed hers gently, letting her know that he appreciated her words anyway.

"The most I can ask for right now is not being faced with open blame everyday. Having someone still turn to me and believe in me... Having you still... You don't know how much that means to me, Nat."

She wished she could make him believe it, wished she could absolve him of all the guilt he felt for things that had been beyond his control, but she knew it was no use. Maybe some day he would come to believe it, but she knew Clint’s way of blaming himself for everything, and if that day ever were to come it would be a long time from now.

“I will always believe in you,” she said, closing her eyes a moment and taking a deep breath. “And I will always fight for you.” Even if it meant fighting his inner demons. When the train pulled to it’s next stop she raised her head and gave his hand a tug. “This is us.”

As soon as they were headed for fresh air, Clint felt better, at least not so crowded with too many people potentially staring anymore, locked up in a place that offered no escape. He let Natasha lead the way to her apartment though he thought to remember it with every step more and struggled to shake off their conversation.

When they reached the entrance, he stopped to turn to her, gently put his hands on her hips, nothing like the unwinding passion from yesterday. Just a gesture of tenderness, a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"Thanks, red. I should have remembered earlier how easy it is with you. That you understand."

Natasha led him quickly along the streets, not pausing until they reached the entrance to the building. Fishing the keys from her coat pocket, she didn’t get chance to open the door before Clint was turning her towards him. Smiling softly when he kissed her cheek, she cupped his face in one hand and met his eyes.

“Better than anyone,” she said. She might even understand better than he knew. He knew a lot about her past, but the details weren’t something she talked about, preferring to leave it in the past and focus on the present. “We’re going to get through this,” she assured him, holding his gaze a moment longer before moving to unlock the door and head inside.

The building was a bit shabby, but even an old, tiny, third floor place in New York City with windows facing a brick wall costed way more than any apartment should

"As charming as I remember. You'll love the view over the ocean, red. It's like... waking up to freedom everyday."

Clint chuckled quietly and made straight for the sofa to not be in the way. After Natasha's last reassurance, so firm, so completely confident, he felt a little better about making the way here again harder than it should be. Just this it was that had been lacking lately. Someone to not constantly frown upon him.

"You just tell me if I can help you with anything."

“You certainly make it sound appealing,” she said, locking the door behind them. Hanging her jacket up and setting the keys in the little dish by the door, she was pleased that Clint didn’t hang back, instead heading right for the sofa to make himself at home.

“You just relax. Take a nap or something,” she said, offering a smile. “I think I can handle getting a shower on my own.”

Heading toward the small bath, she stripped his shirt off over her head before disappearing inside. “Though if you get bored,” she called out. “You’re always welcome to keep me company.”

"You know, sooner or later we'll have to worry about how to get shopping done."

Clint tried it for exactly five seconds to resist but damn... That wasn't something, Natasha was offering everyday. And though he really had all good intentions of not getting caught up in another game before they were ready to go tomorrow... No one said, you couldn't stir anticipation, right?

So after a moment of hesitation he did take the invitation of the half open door and made himself comfortable leaning against the sink, watching every of Natasha's moves with an appreciative smile.

"Someone has to take care of you, right? I mean, the things that could happen to you while you're under the shower..."

“It’s early yet,” Natasha called out her reply with a smile in her voice.

She wasn’t really looking to go another round so soon, but the opportunity to tease him had been too good to resist, and he predictably joined her just a moment later.

“My own personal bodyguard,” she said, stooping to mix the water. If she really wanted to get him going again she would have undressed first. Maybe she just wanted to keep him close; how quickly his mood shifted, how he had acted at the subway station... she would be lying if she said she wasn’t worried about him.

Once she was satisfied with the temperature she flipped it to the shower and pulled the curtain across. She didn’t turn to face Clint, but she didn’t turn her back on him either as she removed her bra and tossed it aside. “But you’re right, there are many things that could happen to me in the shower,” she said. Undoing the belt she dropped the borrowed pants to the floor and stepped out of them. “Whether you’re with me or not.” Pulling the elastic from her hair, she finally threw a teasing grin at him and flicked the elastic his way before stepping into the shower and pulling the curtain into place.

"Sure. I know how clumsy you are."

Since Natasha had again taken the perfect view so cruelly from him, Clint used to the time to turn to the mirror. Wiping away the steam, he checked up on what had hardly been more than rubbing the sleep from his eyes before. He found, he didn't look much better than he felt. The lack of sleep was showing. And with what his body politely called a growth of beard... Well, he usually ended up frustrated sooner than with this shabby shadow on his cheeks.

Suddenly it unnerved him. Natasha really tried to help and be there for him and after what had really been a wonderful day yesterday, he already started go all self-pity on himself again.

"Speaking of it, mind if I borrow one of your knifes? No promises I won't cut myself but I can't take a walk through the city with such a beauty by my side, looking like a hobo."

For once Clint didn’t read the innuendo in her words, and he made no move to join her either. Ducking her head under the warm spray, she let it thoroughly soak her tangled hair before pouring a dollop of shampoo into her palm.

Clint’s sudden request made her pause a moment before he explained himself. He wanted to shave, wanted to improve his appearance. That had to be a good thing.

“Cleaning up just for me? How sweet,” she said. “There’s probably a razor and some shaving cream under the sink if you prefer. You know where the knives are.” Natasha normally waxed, it lasted longer, but sometimes a quick shave was in order.

"Perfect. Should have known you're prepared."

Clint got out of his shirt before he started fumbling around with the cream, to not get a new garment dirty half an hour in. Following her provocations from before, he hang it up on a hook on a door neatly, so she would see it from her hiding place behind the curtain and got to work then.

At least on his hands he could still rely, no matter how drained he felt after another restless night. There was less trembling than he would have thought, so he made himself look at least half way human again, without leaving any blood.

Some of these lines around his eyes and lips that had settled deeper after New York showed much more clearly now, but he'd have to live with that. He hadn't been Mr Helicarrier 2013 even before taking a ride on the Asgardian mental roller coaster.

"Need any help in there while I'm on it?"

He just couldn't let it be, teasing her a little.

While Clint shaved, Natasha rinsed the shampoo from her hair as best she could before applying a liberal amount of conditioner. Working it through, she carefully untangled every strand until she could run her fingers through it easily. Once she was finished she rinsed out all the soap and peered around the curtain to see how Clint was making out. The first thing she saw was his discarded shirt before her eyes moved to his finely toned back. Maybe tonight, after they had finished with their shopping and preparations, she would drag her tongue along every bump of his spine...

Drawing her eyes quickly upwards to meet his in the mirror when he spoke, Natasha gave him her most innocent look. “Well, there is this one spot on my back that I just can’t seem to reach,” she said. Two could play the teasing game, which was how it always ended up escalating.

"Always glad to be of service."

Clint quickly washed the last of cream of his chin and got out of the rest of his clothes without to join Natasha in the small cabin. Pulling her close softly, he nudged her wet hair with his nose, appreciating one of his favorite smells, while his hands started wandering up and down her back.

"So... Where was that evil little spot?"

It had started as a bit of teasing, but Clint wasted no time in shedding his clothes and joining Natasha in the shower. She hadn’t intended on getting carried away, had meant to only come back to her place long enough to get clean, changed, and pack a bag, but as soon as he wrapped his arms around her all thoughts of hurrying fled.

Winding her arms around his neck, she rested her head comfortably against his chest and let out a content sigh. “A little higher,” she said, closing her eyes and relaxing against him.

She looked a little surprised so he made sure to let her know that he hadn't joined her to derail their necessary activities for much longer. Maybe he just was in a particular intensive need of her touch today. Especially after he had learned how much it really helped him to keep his mind in the here and now.

He just held her gently against him while his hands cupped her delicate form, wandered upwards, fingertips meeting right between her shoulderblades in small, harmless rubs while the water washed over them.

"Better?"

Dancing in the Dark (for farmboyhawk)

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