Dancing in the Dark (for farmboyhawk)

[study_in_scarlet]

They didn’t get a lot of time off together, at least not enough to make a trip away worthwhile, so for this one weekend they decided to stay in the city and play tourist for the day.

They had started with a walk through Central Park before grabbing an early lunch at one of the city’s many street vendors and then wandering through the American Museum of Natural history. Natasha found the Hall of Minerals fascinating while Clint had gotten a kick out of all the dinosaur bones. They both enjoyed laying under the big blue whale with all the normal people.

Afterwards they went to a nice restaurant for supper, blending into the crowd of normal couples as best they could and Natasha actually forgot if she was playing a role or being herself as they finished their wine and shared their desserts.

“Thank you,” she said sincerely as they left the restaurant, stepping back into the cool night air. Nearby a busker played guitar and sang with surprising melody and soul, barely seeming to notice as people threw change into his open case, so caught up was he in his music.


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[study_in_scarlet]

Taking her seat beside Clint, Natasha sat in silence while he took care of his business, lining everything up that needed to be taken care of while they were gone. Personally she had nothing to worry about in that vein, which would have struck many as sad. She had nobody to call who would care she was gone, nothing that depended on her. As long as her bills were all paid up she was free as a bird.

When Clint finished and put away his phone she threw a quick glance at him and noticed the set of his jaw, the hardened expression. If she was going to help him there was no halfway, no hiding like she was ashamed. She had to go all in, had to prove to him that she was here for him, no matter what.

Slipping her hand into his, she threaded their fingers together and rested her head against his shoulder.

[farmboyhawk]

Clint turned his head to her, more than surprised by a kind of affection they usually didn't show in public. Though the wagon was fairly empty and no one seemed to be watching... He knew it couldn't be easy for Natasha, and bit by bit he began to realize how important it really was for her to help him. To be there for him. He just had to allow himself to accept that.

"Sometimes I feel like going out and try rebuild it all with my own two hands", he murmured tiredly, his lips just quickly touching her forehead to thank her for her concern. "But that won't bring the people back who died in these buildings."

[study_in_scarlet]

It was difficult. Last night in the park had been easier, it had been dark and rainy and nobody had paid them any mind, but here in the subway car, though there weren’t many people sharing it with them there wasn’t a lot else to look at, and the lights lit up their features for everyone to see. It was hard to cast aside years of programming, two decades of keeping herself private from the world. It was hard, but Clint was worth it, he was worth anything, everything.

“Nothing will bring them back,” she said quietly, running her thumb along his hand. “I know it’s little consolation, but none of it was your fault, and had you not been with us in the end we wouldn’t have been as effective. We wouldn’t have protected as many people as we did.”

She too had been brainwashed and controlled, but many of her crimes she had done with a clear mind, no matter how muddy the circumstances. She knew guilt, knew wanting to atone, and she knew she couldn’t let Clint dwell on it or it would destroy him.

[farmboyhawk]

"I've kind of stopped looking for consolation. It feels like lying to myself."

He looked down on their entwined hands and pressed hers gently, letting her know that he appreciated her words anyway.

"The most I can ask for right now is not being faced with open blame everyday. Having someone still turn to me and believe in me... Having you still... You don't know how much that means to me, Nat."

[study_in_scarlet]

She wished she could make him believe it, wished she could absolve him of all the guilt he felt for things that had been beyond his control, but she knew it was no use. Maybe some day he would come to believe it, but she knew Clint’s way of blaming himself for everything, and if that day ever were to come it would be a long time from now.

“I will always believe in you,” she said, closing her eyes a moment and taking a deep breath. “And I will always fight for you.” Even if it meant fighting his inner demons. When the train pulled to it’s next stop she raised her head and gave his hand a tug. “This is us.”

[farmboyhawk]

As soon as they were headed for fresh air, Clint felt better, at least not so crowded with too many people potentially staring anymore, locked up in a place that offered no escape. He let Natasha lead the way to her apartment though he thought to remember it with every step more and struggled to shake off their conversation.

When they reached the entrance, he stopped to turn to her, gently put his hands on her hips, nothing like the unwinding passion from yesterday. Just a gesture of tenderness, a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"Thanks, red. I should have remembered earlier how easy it is with you. That you understand."

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha led him quickly along the streets, not pausing until they reached the entrance to the building. Fishing the keys from her coat pocket, she didn’t get chance to open the door before Clint was turning her towards him. Smiling softly when he kissed her cheek, she cupped his face in one hand and met his eyes.

“Better than anyone,” she said. She might even understand better than he knew. He knew a lot about her past, but the details weren’t something she talked about, preferring to leave it in the past and focus on the present. “We’re going to get through this,” she assured him, holding his gaze a moment longer before moving to unlock the door and head inside.

The building was a bit shabby, but even an old, tiny, third floor place in New York City with windows facing a brick wall costed way more than any apartment should

[farmboyhawk]

"As charming as I remember. You'll love the view over the ocean, red. It's like... waking up to freedom everyday."

Clint chuckled quietly and made straight for the sofa to not be in the way. After Natasha's last reassurance, so firm, so completely confident, he felt a little better about making the way here again harder than it should be. Just this it was that had been lacking lately. Someone to not constantly frown upon him.

"You just tell me if I can help you with anything."

[study_in_scarlet]

“You certainly make it sound appealing,” she said, locking the door behind them. Hanging her jacket up and setting the keys in the little dish by the door, she was pleased that Clint didn’t hang back, instead heading right for the sofa to make himself at home.

“You just relax. Take a nap or something,” she said, offering a smile. “I think I can handle getting a shower on my own.”

Heading toward the small bath, she stripped his shirt off over her head before disappearing inside. “Though if you get bored,” she called out. “You’re always welcome to keep me company.”

[farmboyhawk]

"You know, sooner or later we'll have to worry about how to get shopping done."

Clint tried it for exactly five seconds to resist but damn... That wasn't something, Natasha was offering everyday. And though he really had all good intentions of not getting caught up in another game before they were ready to go tomorrow... No one said, you couldn't stir anticipation, right?

So after a moment of hesitation he did take the invitation of the half open door and made himself comfortable leaning against the sink, watching every of Natasha's moves with an appreciative smile.

"Someone has to take care of you, right? I mean, the things that could happen to you while you're under the shower..."

[study_in_scarlet]

“It’s early yet,” Natasha called out her reply with a smile in her voice.

She wasn’t really looking to go another round so soon, but the opportunity to tease him had been too good to resist, and he predictably joined her just a moment later.

“My own personal bodyguard,” she said, stooping to mix the water. If she really wanted to get him going again she would have undressed first. Maybe she just wanted to keep him close; how quickly his mood shifted, how he had acted at the subway station... she would be lying if she said she wasn’t worried about him.

Once she was satisfied with the temperature she flipped it to the shower and pulled the curtain across. She didn’t turn to face Clint, but she didn’t turn her back on him either as she removed her bra and tossed it aside. “But you’re right, there are many things that could happen to me in the shower,” she said. Undoing the belt she dropped the borrowed pants to the floor and stepped out of them. “Whether you’re with me or not.” Pulling the elastic from her hair, she finally threw a teasing grin at him and flicked the elastic his way before stepping into the shower and pulling the curtain into place.

[farmboyhawk]

"Sure. I know how clumsy you are."

Since Natasha had again taken the perfect view so cruelly from him, Clint used to the time to turn to the mirror. Wiping away the steam, he checked up on what had hardly been more than rubbing the sleep from his eyes before. He found, he didn't look much better than he felt. The lack of sleep was showing. And with what his body politely called a growth of beard... Well, he usually ended up frustrated sooner than with this shabby shadow on his cheeks.

Suddenly it unnerved him. Natasha really tried to help and be there for him and after what had really been a wonderful day yesterday, he already started go all self-pity on himself again.

"Speaking of it, mind if I borrow one of your knifes? No promises I won't cut myself but I can't take a walk through the city with such a beauty by my side, looking like a hobo."

[study_in_scarlet]

For once Clint didn’t read the innuendo in her words, and he made no move to join her either. Ducking her head under the warm spray, she let it thoroughly soak her tangled hair before pouring a dollop of shampoo into her palm.

Clint’s sudden request made her pause a moment before he explained himself. He wanted to shave, wanted to improve his appearance. That had to be a good thing.

“Cleaning up just for me? How sweet,” she said. “There’s probably a razor and some shaving cream under the sink if you prefer. You know where the knives are.” Natasha normally waxed, it lasted longer, but sometimes a quick shave was in order.

[farmboyhawk]

"Perfect. Should have known you're prepared."

Clint got out of his shirt before he started fumbling around with the cream, to not get a new garment dirty half an hour in. Following her provocations from before, he hang it up on a hook on a door neatly, so she would see it from her hiding place behind the curtain and got to work then.

At least on his hands he could still rely, no matter how drained he felt after another restless night. There was less trembling than he would have thought, so he made himself look at least half way human again, without leaving any blood.

Some of these lines around his eyes and lips that had settled deeper after New York showed much more clearly now, but he'd have to live with that. He hadn't been Mr Helicarrier 2013 even before taking a ride on the Asgardian mental roller coaster.

"Need any help in there while I'm on it?"

He just couldn't let it be, teasing her a little.

[study_in_scarlet]

While Clint shaved, Natasha rinsed the shampoo from her hair as best she could before applying a liberal amount of conditioner. Working it through, she carefully untangled every strand until she could run her fingers through it easily. Once she was finished she rinsed out all the soap and peered around the curtain to see how Clint was making out. The first thing she saw was his discarded shirt before her eyes moved to his finely toned back. Maybe tonight, after they had finished with their shopping and preparations, she would drag her tongue along every bump of his spine...

Drawing her eyes quickly upwards to meet his in the mirror when he spoke, Natasha gave him her most innocent look. “Well, there is this one spot on my back that I just can’t seem to reach,” she said. Two could play the teasing game, which was how it always ended up escalating.

[farmboyhawk]

"Always glad to be of service."

Clint quickly washed the last of cream of his chin and got out of the rest of his clothes without to join Natasha in the small cabin. Pulling her close softly, he nudged her wet hair with his nose, appreciating one of his favorite smells, while his hands started wandering up and down her back.

"So... Where was that evil little spot?"

[study_in_scarlet]

It had started as a bit of teasing, but Clint wasted no time in shedding his clothes and joining Natasha in the shower. She hadn’t intended on getting carried away, had meant to only come back to her place long enough to get clean, changed, and pack a bag, but as soon as he wrapped his arms around her all thoughts of hurrying fled.

Winding her arms around his neck, she rested her head comfortably against his chest and let out a content sigh. “A little higher,” she said, closing her eyes and relaxing against him.

[farmboyhawk]

She looked a little surprised so he made sure to let her know that he hadn't joined her to derail their necessary activities for much longer. Maybe he just was in a particular intensive need of her touch today. Especially after he had learned how much it really helped him to keep his mind in the here and now.

He just held her gently against him while his hands cupped her delicate form, wandered upwards, fingertips meeting right between her shoulderblades in small, harmless rubs while the water washed over them.

"Better?"

[study_in_scarlet]

If he needed her touch to ground him then she would be there for him as much as she could to get him through this hard time, but she knew she had to be careful. For now, while she helped him fight his demons, there was little she would refuse him, but she couldn’t allow him to grow completely dependent on her, not in the long run. A healthy relationship couldn’t work that way, she couldn’t be his be all and end all. There was a big difference between being the most important person in the world to someone and being the only thing that mattered. They both had to have their own lives as well, even if they spent most of their time together.

“Mm, much better,” she replied as Clint rubbed that hard to reach spot on her back. This was nice, just holding each other and being together, like the bath had been last night. Raising her head Natasha rubbed her cheek against his and smiled. “Smooth.”

Sometimes she liked the scratch of his stubble against her skin, but others she preferred when he was cleanly shaven. As long as he didn’t grow a full beard she wasn’t likely to complain, except to tease him.

[farmboyhawk]

"I am trying. Guess if age is catching up with me I might as well stop to run from it."

Chuckling, Clint caressed his chin against her forehead and rested his hands on her waist to softly step away from her before the nearness and the atmosphere of the warm water playing between them could lead to something more after all.

"Sorry, didn't mean to... We should be good little grown ups and start packing, huh? Guess I just needed to catch up a little. Just haven't had you for too long."

He flipped a strand of her damp hair out of her face and caught the drop of water threatening to run into her eye with his lips, leaving a kiss on her brow.

"If I'm distracting you, I could offer to take a walk around the block, though."

[study_in_scarlet]

As nice as it was being in his arms, Natasha didn’t protest when he stepped away. If they were going to get everything ready that they needed so they could leave tomorrow right after clearing it with Fury then they couldn’t waste too much time.

“It’s fine,” she said, offering a soft smile. Running her hands over his shoulders, she slowly dropped them back to her sides before she could get carried away exploring his body. “I won’t be much longer.” Unable to resist she gave him a quick peck on the cheek before making a shooing motion with her hands. “Could you get my suitcase down off the top shelf in my closet? And if you want to look into some flights my laptop is in the living room, unless we want to ask Pepper for use of their private jet.”

[farmboyhawk]

"Another time that jet might come in handy."

Clint forced himself to step out of the cabin and quickly dried off, not bothering with more than his pants for now, though... A little teasing was in order after all.

"But I don't think I'm in a mood for Stark's idea of humor right now. Maybe I should ask them to give me back my own baby."

And there it was already again, the ever lasting bitterness- he wasn't even sure he would have wanted to fly that jet again. No matter how many years he had spent to polish that small Falcon from a wreck into a quinjet engine-equipped beauty. But he doubted he would ever be able to forget what he had last used it for. Or what had happened there.

It was the simple anger that S.H.I.E.L.D. still kept their hand over his property even so many months after, that stirred his anger.

Scheduled flight it was, then.

Cracking his way into Natasha's laptop after getting that suitcase, wasn't exactly hard. The password was one of the codes common between the two of them to communicate. At least that had him smiling.

And the journey from JFK to Catania had only one stop, that sounded bearable. The options were quickly sought out, with either leaving right before dawn... which would bring them away before anyone could ask. Or early afternoon. Which would mean less trouble and much more possibilities to get held up.

Clint leaned his head back against the back rest with a sigh, rubbing his eyes. Maybe he should better keep in mind that they were not gone yet.

[study_in_scarlet]

Natasha noted the bitterness in Clint’s tone but said nothing; there wasn’t much to say on the subject, not now. Getting away for a while was what he really needed right now, and maybe by the time he returned things could finally get back to normal, or closer to normal than they currently were. If she could help him, and if she could convince Fury of the fact later, then maybe they could get Clint back on full active duty again. For now, though, there was no point rehashing it.

Finishing her shower, Natasha dried off and wound her hair up in the towel before pulling on her robe. It didn’t escape her notice that Clint’s shirt still hung where he had left it earlier and she shook her head with a slight smile. Gathering up the clothes she had borrowed from him, she padded into the bedroom in bare feet, calling out to him as she went, “Find anything?”

It was tempting to slip back into Clint’s clothes, to surround herself in him, but she folded them carefully and set them on her bed beside the suitcase he had obediently retrieved for her. He had said it would be colder in the evenings, so she might have to pack a little of everything.

[farmboyhawk]

Seeing Natasha getting ready to pack made the short moment of doubt forgotten immediately. Why the hell was he doubting her again? When she was actually carrying through with this more consequently than he was?

There was no reason to believe, she wouldn't do anything to get them away from here tomorrow. If they failed, it wasn't her fault. He shouldn't make it his in giving up the mission before it even had begun. Worst that could happen was the little amount he still had left of reserves shrinking down for nothing.

"JFK 4 pm, all ready to go on your command", he shouted to the bedroom, violently pushing all hesitation aside.

"Is that pink you're wearing, Tash'?"

He couldn't help but grin.

[study_in_scarlet]

Sixteen hundred hours tomorrow and they could be out of here. Maybe they should wait to talk to Fury first, see how long he would give them so they could book a return ticket, but Natasha wasn’t worried. Maybe Clint had worked through his reserves, but she had more money hidden around the world than anyone knew, even him. She doubted they would be living the high life while away, and she could certainly keep them living modestly and comfortably for a very long time.

“You know I don’t wear pink,” she called back, even though that was precisely what colour her bathrobe appeared to be. He didn’t need to know that it was because a red sock had gotten left in the washer that one time, and he certainly didn’t need to know that she kind of liked it pink.

“Book it.” No hesitation, no question. This was what Clint needed so this was what they were doing. She would convince Fury if she had to threaten insubordination to do so, though she doubted it would come to that. Fury wasn’t always to be trusted, but he had a special soft spot for Natasha and if she had to use that she would.

Slipping a pair of panties on under her robe, she neatly placed a week’s worth into her suitcase, assuming there would be laundry facilities they could use.