Dancing in the Dark (for [personal profile] farmboyhawk)

Aug. 11th, 2013 07:32 pm[personal profile] study_in_scarlet
study_in_scarlet: (Default)
They didn’t get a lot of time off together, at least not enough to make a trip away worthwhile, so for this one weekend they decided to stay in the city and play tourist for the day.

They had started with a walk through Central Park before grabbing an early lunch at one of the city’s many street vendors and then wandering through the American Museum of Natural history. Natasha found the Hall of Minerals fascinating while Clint had gotten a kick out of all the dinosaur bones. They both enjoyed laying under the big blue whale with all the normal people.

Afterwards they went to a nice restaurant for supper, blending into the crowd of normal couples as best they could and Natasha actually forgot if she was playing a role or being herself as they finished their wine and shared their desserts.

“Thank you,” she said sincerely as they left the restaurant, stepping back into the cool night air. Nearby a busker played guitar and sang with surprising melody and soul, barely seeming to notice as people threw change into his open case, so caught up was he in his music.


Date: 2013-11-12 03:09 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Aaron smiling down)
"Good thing, we don't do too normal anyway, huh?"

With a deep sigh, Clint turned away from the window to lock out these useless heavy thoughts and put his arms around Natasha instead which evidently helped much better. She was warm and life against this freezing body, touching him like a good part of all that destruction out there wouldn't be his fault, and he knew, without her by his side, he wouldn't be standing here now. She had become his anchor in a time when even standing up in the morning had felt like a unbearable burden. If he'd already loved her before, the last year had only steeled this deep emotional foundation.

He shouldn't be thanking her in letting himself drown in useless melancholy, the moment she wasn't looking.

"Didn't want to wake you", he murmured into her hair, fingertips gently caressing up and down her back. "Wanna get some rest?"

Date: 2013-11-13 06:32 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Aaron naked stare)
"Hm-hm. Don't wait for an apology for that."
He grinned, but he made sure to lean down for a quick kiss, showing her how thankful he was to have her around especially in such moments of weakness, to ground him, tear his mind away from the dark places.

"Just need one or two human minutes. Make yourself comfortable."
He pointed shortly at the bedroom door and left for the bathroom after another tender kiss on her hair.

He felt a little fresher, clearer after cleaning up better than he had it done before, when Natasha had been in the bathroom. His eyes were caught by several certain marks from their game before on his skin, and now smiling was easier. There would be evenings for bad memories again, but this wasn't one of them.

Though the heaters had finally started to work again, he wrapped himself back in the track pants and his sweater before he went to the bedroom. Natasha would probably laughing at him, and with good reason, but he just always needed a while longer for his body temperature to regulate, when he had just been freezing his balls off.

He was quiet, in case she was already asleep and stopped for a moment at the door, with still that half of a smile on his lips.

Date: 2013-11-14 11:31 am (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Jem thoughtful smile)
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I'm a wuss. It's a sign of getting old, I guess. It's gotten worse with time."

More relieved than he liked to admit, Clint fled from the still chilly air under the covers with her, but didn't reach out for her, not yet, not before his hands had warmed up. It was pretty much since he had spent a full year in the middle of the desert that he took low temperatures even worse than before. P.E.G.A.S.U.S. had left a mark in more than one way.

He ignored the humorless little chuckle inside his head, telling him, he knew exactly that it wasn't the sudden withdrawal from the Mojave dune right into the middle of bloody mess in New York, that had taken its toll. It was not this waking him up in the middle of the night, trembling all over his body.

He had already decided he didn't want to mope any more tonight. And certainly not about details of his captivity that had not even made it into the medical file.

He preferred to look at Natasha to channel his thoughts into a better direction, burying both his hands under the pillow for now to get rid of the last effects of useless mind games.

Date: 2013-11-14 11:07 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Aaron naked stare)
"As long as I still win every single wheelchait race against the other Sunday afternoon chess guys..."

The smile had a hard time staying on his lips. Now that Natasha had started mentioning it, it became even harder clearing his mind from stuff that he didn't want there anymore.

"It's okay."

He reached out for her hand under her pillow, holding it right there to keep them both warm. Still there was no way to prevent that hard shudder down his back, when he tried to drop this as quick and clean as possible.

"I've promised myself that this poor excuse of a tin God isn't worth even thinking about him. He won't have that triumph."

Date: 2013-11-15 10:09 am (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Aaron naked stare)
He could have answered with another witty remark but preferred to just pull her close, one hand still under the pillow, the other softly caught in her hair. It was worst in his hands and he didn't want her to freeze more than necessary.

The softness of her body close to his helped shut his eyes, breathe slowly through the quickest, easiest of meditation. To channel his thought on this one positive anchor inside, the way he had learned it from his first supervising officer back then.

In this case it was Natasha's beloved clear scent engulfing him, along with her warmth, the associations of their passionate game before tied to it until his body responded with the weak memory of arousal. Just a little quickening of his pulse really, and a deep, content sigh.

It was simply physically impossible to think of any torture bullshit with his partner's body pressed close to his.

"Maybe I should just start calling you every time this happens", he murmured, hand just softly tightening in her hair to caress the sensitive skin of her neck.

Date: 2013-11-15 10:50 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Aaron smiling down)
She didn't exactly sound enthusiastic, and for a moment he thought about forcing a chuckle, telling her, he wasn't planning on playing the obsessive boyfriend, giving her a call every other night because he couldn't stand being without her. But truth was, it touched his heart in a very special way how much she just wanted to be there for him, just like it was the other way round, and he didn't want to play that down.

So he just murmured a quiet "Thanks" into her hair, his voice on the edge of choked, and relaxed back against the bed so she could rest on top of him, the way they both seemed to enjoy it so much.
"I'll try not to be a pain. Though you do make a good therapist."
He stretched out a little, sighing with relief when he felt finally comfortable again.

Date: 2013-11-16 11:03 am (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Aaron smiling down)
"Well, I do like to think, that's my job."

When he felt like he wouldn't shock-freze her anymore, Clint caressed softly from her neck down, fingertips drawing the beautiful thin line of her back inch by inch before he rested his hand on her hip. Gently holding her against him, he took her other hand in his again, moving it against his chest. Softly, without any pressure, just to let her feel she was just as safe with him as he felt with her and could still back out anytime she needed more distance.

"I'm just a simple carnie and all, so I can't give any of these intellectual speeches they feed you in these mental eveluations."

He grimaced shortly, violently pushed aside the new unpleasant memory. Not about him now.

"But I'm the guy who will always be there when you need it. That works both ways."

Date: 2013-11-16 03:17 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Jason naked frown)
His arms around her tightened for a long moment, a silent, thankful acknowledgment and an answer he didn't need to give her. Not the whole time, not when she knew it, had known it for years.

He focused and anchored his mind on that beautiful smile of hers, the way she looked at him now, tonight, sometimes when she had thought he would not see, before today. And from now on more often hopefully.
Things were alright, he just had to hold on to that security.

She was here, with him, he had not hurt her when he had been asked to. These things were over, if there was anything he thankfully took with him from these fucking evaluation bullshit and therapy appointments, it was that. The people with S.H.I.E.L.D. still didn't really trust him but Natasha did, and that was he needed most to move on.
New York... was over and he sure as hell wouldn't be silly enough to get himself into another situations like this ever again.

She would be safe with him. Nothing to worry about.

But when he closed his eyes, trying to relax his still stiff muscles, he was faced with the ghostly image of a cruel smile right before his eyes, the faint blue glowing around it threatening to ice cold radiate through his body again, and he sighed, frustrated. It wasn't fear of the future still weighing on his mind, it was the past that just wouldn't fucking shut up.

"Think I'll just stay awake for a while longer."

Date: 2013-11-16 05:20 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Jason naked frown)
"Like you don't know what that sound does to me."
He laughed quietly and bent down for a long kiss, still chaste, tongue just brushing her still slightly swollen lower lip. That wouldn't the only place sore after their encounter before. He found his heart battling with that immediate heat rising inside, from both her touch and just that certain sound in her voice, from her breath against his skin.

Gently, he brushed her hair from her face, trying to show her with his smile and the slight flush of his cheeks, how much he appreciated her offer. Great, this would be awkward again. Why couldn't he just try and be happy for one fucking weekend?

"Don't want to hurt you", he finally mumbled. "I mean... We've been in quite a wrestle on that sofa before, and..."
He paused, blushing even a little more.
"I mean, it's not like... Like I don't want to. Being so close to you... is just wonderful."
His arm tightened a little around her waist again, slipping little lower, fingertips brushing over her bare butt, the backside of her thigh. Whom was he kidding? This was something that made him happy. He just didn't like to sound like a shallow sex junkey or give her the feeling, she had to serve as a distraction.

So he went on explaining himself, no matter how silly it might sound.

"When we do that, especially when you're over me, when I can look at you and be inside you... Just that, just feeling you and seeing... Then I know, things are alright. That you trust me and enjoy being with me... that you're happy. I want you to make you happy, Tash', because you deserve it and because I'm happy with you. Guess that's why I'm such a mother hen about all this. I..."

That's where he paused again because it was the hardest part, because he had sworn himself not to tell her, not tonight. But the way the evening was going he would be awaking later anyway, trembling violently in the sheets, and there was no way she would miss it. He could as well tell her now.

"I still dream about hurting you. It's like that nightmare he gave me doesn't want to go away."

His voice broke with the last words and he leaned his head back against the pillow with tightly shut eyes, trying to chase that horrifying image of blood off.

Date: 2013-11-16 09:14 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Aaron naked stare)
"You're helping already, Nat, better than anyone else could."

With her face pressed so closely against his skin, his breath warming where the shivers had started again, Clint had another thing to focus on, leave that dark place his thoughts had once more settled in.

She was there, still, maybe he should just stop trying to be afraid that she wouldn't. She hadn't ever been scared off by this whole mess, why should she now?

"You haven't run from me like everyone else close to me did, though maybe you would have been right to. I mean, I do mess up a lot of things. I've never tried to pretend, all the shit that ever happened to me was not at least partially my fault. And P.E.G.A.S.U.S. was just one of them. I should have... don't know. 've been faster. I wasn't in the greatest of shapes."

He shrugged tiredly, just rubbing his eyes shortly to tear his mind away from these useless self-reproaches before he started stroking Natasha's back again, turned his head to press his too cool lips against her temple. That wasn't the point now.

"But you've always been there, in spite of everything I fucked up. It's part of the reason I love you so much, you know. I just need to find a way to forget these visions, the bastard planted into me."

Date: 2013-11-17 03:31 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Aaron smiling down)
"That sounds really good."

Clint lowered his head to bury his face into her hair, let the faint sweet smell left of her shampoo sink into his senses along with the warmth of her body engulfing him. Every of his muscles seemed to melt from this half frozen state before into her touch. His arms gently pressed her to his chest while he caressed up and down the smooth skin of her legs with his, sighing deeply.

It helped, with every minute more, he could feel his mind relax into her as much as his body. And if there maybe were one or two drops of salt getting caught in her curls from his cheek, he didn't need to fear her frowning upon it.

This was just what he needed, how he needed her when time and place was right for them spending it together. To feel, how close they were and how trustful she submitted herself into his arms, no matter how many people he had killed with them.

Her body felt relaxed like it never happened when they were on the clock, steeled muscles giving in to his touch of her back, her waist. So different from their games before, no matter how satisfying they had been, and not just because he had his clothes on this time.

This was just... feeling. Taking her in with every sense, her body moving so smooth and calm against his, her beloved smell, the perfect silhouette of her beautiful body draped over his. Just her, for him, the way he belonged to her just as much. Maybe they could indeed make a whole new bunch of memories with unforgettable nights like this.

There was just one thing, one moment she wouldn't be able to get out of his head, no matter how much they tried to replace the violence in his head with reality. This night, these few hours of horror in a plane to Germany, he had to keep for himself. It wouldn't change anything except for putting another burden on her when she already carried so many of his. Some things couldn't be undone.

Clint could just try overshadow them in his head, hold on to what he still had, what had never had happened, no matter how badly that bastard Asgardian had wanted it. Natasha was still here, with him, and he meant to enjoy every single minute that he could have with her.

"Think I'm okay", he murmured quietly, unwilling to let go off her for even a second. But she would like it better to not have rough fabric against her skin the whole night. "Let me just get out of this damn sweater so you have a proper pillow, hm?"

Date: 2013-11-17 05:39 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Aaron smiling down)
"I see what you're doing there."
He chuckled quietly, the half-hearted sound driving away more off the melancholy. It was followed by a not so half-hearted sigh, when he arched his back just a bit so the sweater could slide upwards and just Natasha's soft, warm fingertips met his skin.
"Think we can make this teamwork?"
He pushed her hair carefully out of her face to kiss her forehead, her cheek. Slowly, he made his way down to her lips where he just stopped, pressing his mouth down on hers gently, with the softest caress of his lower lip against hers where it was still sensitive. His hand on her waist moving her just a little closer to his body, he arched his back off the mattress again so she could continue.

Date: 2013-11-17 06:46 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] farmboyhawk
farmboyhawk: (Aaron smiling down)
"Well, I see, we still have it in us."

Very reluctantly, Clint took his hands off her to get the piece of clothing out of the way and fell back onto the mattress, relieved. Smiling up at Natasha, he reached out for her face, thumb brushing over her cheek and down to her neck. Much better though he probably would lose these pants also somewhere in the course of the night. Just to wake up with the feel of her body nude against his, the reminders of the evening before playing among them and just the security, that it was her, her warmth, her silhouette pressed into his, every detail of her body he knew so well. No ghost.

His hand on her back started wandering again, lightly tracing every line, every curve of her torso, the sensitive backside of her arm, the small hollow right over her butt, until it came to rest there, just that little much on the teasing side with his fingers half sprawled over her round cheek.

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September 2020

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